[stylist] Hindsight story with some revisions

[Shelley Alongi]

Hello Jennifer,

Check the spelling of Dr.Glence as it appears spelled different ways in the text. I noticed this because when I was publishing my book I noticed the spelling 01 name was different and so I had to go and check all the spellings to make sure they were the same. I suppose this is why we edit our work so many times.

The other thing you want to watch for is sentence construction. A very good example of this is in the dream sequence when Kelley is a lifeguard one sentence states when the mother is expressing her gratefulness "rescued her son's life."The sentence can be written "rescued her son. "We already understand that she rescued his life. Normally rescued and life aren't use the same sentence when what was rescued was her son there are many sentence constructions like this and also another thing that shows up in the sentence construction is that incorrect use of grammar. The sentences are constructed in both the present and past tense which is very confusing. Sentence construction and use of grammar are the things that make the story almost unreadable. Many other things have been covered that will help make the story flow more smoothly. I would say before even going any further with your story that you look at the grammar and correct all the sentences. This action alone will smooth you're writing significantly. An example of a sentence that is constructed in this way is the one at the very end when the parents weep loudly. You are telling the story it seems from the past so a better construction would be wept loudly. Check your tenses to make sure they are correct.

It does look are working on making descriptions shorter. I do have one question. What is the point of having a description at the beginning of what objects are on the teachers desk? Do you refer back to this at any time? Is there something significant about this? It almost reads like the setting for a movie. When you describe for example what she is wearing it is almost as if you are writing this for someone who is creating a costume for a character in a movie. In a movie this is all important so that the people writing the script can help coordinate it and get it correct on the screen. If I am sitting down and reading a story and I come across a description of what she is wearing it distracts my attention from the story. Maybe that's just me but many times description is very difficult to work with him it takes a lot of practice to get it right. I like to know what people are wearin but not in such detail. Maybe it is just my personal preference. There is a lot more that can be said on the subject but I will leave it for now. Description is good don't avoid it. Just make it shorter and also have it help move the story forward. I know you hear that a lot and there are many schools of thought on that subject.

Over all, if you concentrate on correcting the grammar and us moving out your sentence construction and also putting the tags for the dialogue in the correct order your story will have a much smoother presentation. And, you will naturally cut down on the word count. Good luck. Writing is not easy but it sure can be fun :-)

shelley Queen of Bells out Sent from my iPhone

> On Jan 7, 2016, at 2:01 PM, Jennifer Applegate via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> 
> Hello all,
> 
> 
> 
> Here is the first third of my Hindsight story with some revisions. Please
> let me know your thoughts.
> 
>     In 1988, yellow warn leaves lined the black asphalt parking lot, as  a
> beautiful blue-eyed, blond hair, eight year old girl, Kelley, was dropped
> off at school by her handsome, blue-eyed, dark brown hair, middle aged
> dad.  the passenger seatbelt clicked off, and the door of her family's dark
> blue Ford Aerostar van quickly opened.  Kelley's dad said, "See you later
> alligator.  I hope you have a great day.  I love you!" "Bye daddy.  I hope
> today is fun.  Love you too!"  Adorned with a soft yellow v-neck short
> sleeve shirt, dark brown jeans, and  matching brown backpack, she walked
> with pep in her step down the sidewalk past the red, white, and blue flag
> pole, until she approached the one story bright yellow brick building.  As
> the door opened, she felt a rush of cool air.  Teal, her best friend, said,
> "You look nice today."  Kelly replied, "Thanks! See you later. I'm going to
> class."
> 
>     Now in English class, Kelley paused at her teacher's desk to gaze at
> family picture frames, along with a red apple, miniature patriotic flag,
> black plaque with "Readers are Leaders.", and red leather bible engraved
> with the scriptures, Philippians 4:16 and Jeremiah 29:11.  To the left of
> the desk, she saw a black chalkboard with the words, "Mrs. Tostada's English
> Class."  She walked past a few rows of tables noticing other classmate's
> bright colored backpacks, and she sat down in the back.
> 
> Kelley looked down at her yellow leather strap watch on her left wrist.
> Mrs. Tostada took attendance when class began, and Kelley raised her hand to
> notify she was present.  Then  Mrs. Tostada said, "Everyone needs to look at
> the chalkboard, as I have written some questions for you to answer about
> today's reading of chapter one of "Dare To Dream."  She asked, "Can everyone
> see my questions from where they're sitting?"  "Yees!" said the students.
> "Great.  After everyone is done reading and answering the questions, we will
> discuss them."  Squinting to see the chalkboard, Kelley leaned forward with
> her elbows on the table trying her best to see it.  The teacher's writing
> was blurry like a camera lens out of focus.  She slowly opened her book on
> the rectangular wooden desk, took her patriotic bookmark out of it, and
> started reading the assigned chapter.  Turning every page slowly with a
> pause, she glanced down at her watch.  Mrs. Tostada said "Okay class, it is
> time to discuss the answers.  Kelly, what was your answer for the second
> question?"  Looking down, she replied, "Um, I d-d-don't know."  "Are you
> sure you don't know?"  "Um, I d-d-don't know."  Mrs. Tostada was puzzled by
> her hesitant response, as Kelley was one of her brightest students.
> 
>     After class, Mrs. Tostada asked Kelley to stay for a moment.  Mrs.
> Tostada asked, "Was there something wrong?"  "Uh, I couldn't see your
> writing on the board.  It was fuzzy."  "Why didn't you speak up when I asked
> if everyone could see the questions I wrote?"  "I said 'yees' with my
> friends."  "Why didn't you just say 'no' if you couldn't see the writing?"
> Kelley hesitated, "I don't like feeling different."  Mrs. Tostada suspected
> Kelley might be nearsighted.
> 
>     After school, Kelly's parents picked her up and informed her that Mrs.
> Tostada called to let them know about her difficulty seeing the chalkboard.
> Kelley sat silently in the family's van, as they  rushed through traffic to
> get to their family optometrist to have her eyes examined. As Kelley waited
> with her parents for the examination, her face became bright red as she
> crossed her arms and feet, and her hands began to sweat while her legs were
> shaking.  A few minutes passed.  Knock knock knock.  A big man with dark
> hair and glasses entered the room.   He sat down close to her, reached out
> his hand, and he said, "Hi, I am Doctor Glenze.  Your outfit is pretty.  How
> are you today, Kelley?"  "I'm a bit cold, but I'm fine."  "There's nothing
> to be nervous about.  I'll try to make this examination as quick and
> painless as possible.  You know, I have a daughter with blue eyes too.  I
> want you to attempt to read some letters on the wall with one eye at a time.
> With her right eye covered, Kelley saw three big blurry black horizontal
> lines connected to a vertical line towards the top.  With a bright red face,
> she said, "I think it's the 'B'."  With her left eye covered, she saw one
> big blurry black horizontal line connected to a vertical line.  Again, with
> a bright red face, she said, "I think it's an 'l'."  Dr. Glenze said "You
> have difficulty seeing at a distance.  In order to see better, you'll need
> to wear glasses.  I'm sure your parents can help you find the coolest
> prettiest looking ones."   After the examination, Dr. Glenze asked, "Kelly,
> would you like to play some games in the waiting area while I talk with your
> parents?"  "I don't want to play games. I need to take a  nap."  The door
> squeaked, as she left the room.  Dr. Glenze cautiously told them, "She
> appears to have  Retinitis Pigmentosa.  I suggest getting a second opinion
> to make sure."  Kelly's mother said "A second opinion?  What is this you
> suspect she has?"  "RP is a retina disease that first attacks night and
> peripheral vision, and then it attacks central along with color vision."
> Kelley's mom said, "Near-sightedness runs in my family, but this doesn't."
> He responded, "I can refer y'all to Dr. Gonzales, who specializes in
> genetics and RP."
> 
> While the doctor talked with the parents, Kelly drifted off to fairytale
> dream land.  All of the sudden, she was a lifeguard on a beautiful white
> beach in Oahu, gazing at the pink golden sun set.  Sitting on her white
> chair, wearing a bright red swim suit, she scanned the ocean from a long
> distance away as she normally would.  Suddenly, she noticed a boy who looked
> no older than six, with red hair, wearing a navy swimsuit, chasing and
> swimming after his float that was drifting away.  He had gone against his
> mom's rules for when they were in the ocean.  As the waves got faster and
> stronger, a panic came over the mom, and she screamed for help.  Since the
> other lifeguards had left for the evening, Kelly had to solve this dangerous
> situation.  So, she grabbed her lifeguard gear, ran through the sand as fast
> as a sprint runner, swam as fast as a mermaid, reached the boy, and brought
> him back to shore.  He and his mom were so grateful, as tears of joy rolled
> down their faces along with smiles.  His mom said, "Who knows what would
> have happened if you had not been there.  I am so grateful that you rescued
> my son's life.  How can I ever repay you?"  She said, "Cherish the moments
> you have with your son for the rest of your life.  Live life to the fullest
> every day, and be thankful for each day he has."
> 
> "Kelley! Kelley! Kelley! Come on honey, wake up."  After some nudging from
> her mom, she woke up.  Her parents said, "Time to go find you glasses."  "I
> hope I don't look like a nerd." "You'll find the coolest and prettiest
> looking ones.  The frames will be your favorite color!"  Although, she did
> not like every pair she tried on, pretending to be someone else with each
> pair she wore was fun.  After half an hour passed, she narrowed her options
> to three pairs; purple, light green, and sparkly pink.  Kelley decided on
> the pink pair, and Her parent's smiled with aprovement.  Her parents bought
> them in a hury, so they could rush through traffic to the next eye
> appointment with Dr. Gonzales. 
> 
>     engulfed in a pitch black room, Kelley uncomfortably pressed her
> forehead and chin against a metal white sphere opening with a chin mold.
> Eyes blinking fast, Kelley occasionally saw a bright red flashing dot, and
> quickly pressed a button notifying the dot she saw.  A half an hour later,
> with heavy eyelids opening and closing, they closed for a long time while
> she slept. Waiting in Dr. Gonzales's sterall white hospital office, her
> parent's eyes squint, sweaty forheads wrinkle, lower eyelids droop, top
> teeth gritt lower teeth, and hands rapidly shake.  As Dr. Gonzales walked
> into his office, he energetically asked, "How are y'all doing this
> afternoon?" They lethargically answered, "We're okay." "I'm so sorry to tell
> y'all this, but Kelley has RP.  Does anyone on either side of your families
> have this?"  Their eyes locked still at each other, they angrily remarked,
> "Noooo! Of course not."  Dr. Gonzales politely explained, "This RP is
> recessive, and it's rare.  RP progresses in each person's eyes randomly
> throughout their life."  After talking with him, they weaped loudly while
> waiting on black leather chairs for Kelley.
> 
> 
> 
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