[stylist] Hindsight story- editing sample

Fri Jan 8 21:39:25 UTC 2016

Good edit.

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Chris Kuell
via stylist
Sent: Friday, January 08, 2016 1:11 PM
To: 'Writers' Division Mailing List' <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Chris Kuell <ckuell at comcast.net>
Subject: [stylist] Hindsight story- editing sample

I took the first 950 words of Jennifer's story--at the point where the dream
sequence occurs-- and trimmed it to 770 words. I thought an example of
trimming extraneous words, and dabbing in little details here and there to
develop character and scenes might be helpful. 

First times free!

Chris

   *    *   *

     Autumn warn leaves lined the asphalt parking lot as Kelley was dropped
off at Landmark Baptist Elementary School. 
"See you later, alligator," her Dad said. "Hope you have a great day."

"Bye daddy. Love you!" Kelly grabbed her backpack and   walked with pep in
her step down the sidewalk past the flagpole into the brick building. The
door opened with a rush of cool air.  Teal, her best friend,told Kelley all
about her new kitten, Oreo, while they were in homeroom. The bell rang, and
they went to English.  

     Kelley walked by Mrs. Tostada's desk, glancing at her big red leather
bible engraved with the scriptures, Philippians 4:16 and Jeremiah 29:11.
She sat down at her desk in the back.

"I love your watch," said Ashley, a red-haired girl who sat next to her.
"Thanks," Kelley replied, admiring the neon yellow Swatch her parents had
given her on her birthday. 

Mrs. Tostada called the rambunctious third graders to order, then took
attendance. "Please open your books to where we left off yesterday," she
said in her stern teacher voice. "Read the next chapter, then answer the
questions I've written on the board. I'll give you fifteen minutes, then
we'll discuss your answers."

All around her children dug out their books and started flipping pages.
Squinting to see the chalkboard, Kelley leaned forward with her elbows on
the table.  The teacher's writing was blurry, like a camera lens out of
focus.  She slowly opened her book and started reading the assigned chapter.

Before she had finished reading, Mrs. Tostada called out, "Okay class, it's
time to discuss the answers.  Kelly, what was your answer for the first
question?"  

Looking down, face blushing, she replied, "Um, I d-d-don't know."  

"Are you sure you don't know?"  

"Um, I d-d-don't know." Kelly closed her eyes and hoped to disappear as Mrs.
Tostada moved on to another student. Why couldn't she read faster? She used
to be a fast reader, she felt sure of it. And why was the board so blurry? 

     After class, Mrs. Tostada asked Kelley to stay for a moment. Kelley
thought she might be in trouble, but Mrs. Tostada's voice turned soft and
caring. "Kelley, was there something wrong with you today?"  

"Uh, I couldn't see your writing on the board.  It was fuzzy."  

Mrs. Tostada sat on the edge of her desk and faced Kelley. "Why didn't you
speak up?"   

Kelley hesitated. "I don't like feeling different."  

Mrs. Tostada gave her a warm smile. She removed her glasses and held them
out in front of the girl. "You probably need a pair of these," she said.
"I've been wearing them since I was about your age. There's nothing to be
ashamed of-lots of people wear glasses. I'm going to call your mother and
ask her to get your eyes checked."

     After school, Kelley sat silently in the family's van as they rushed
through traffic to get to the optometrist. In the examination room, she
crossed and uncrossed her legs while staring at a picture of a dog on a
beach.

"Don't be nervous, sweetie," her Mom said. "Everything will be fine. I
promise."

Several minutes passed before a knock came from the door.   A big man with
dark, curly hair and glasses entered the room.   He sat down close to her,
reached out his hand and said, "Hi, I'm Doctor Glenze.  How are you today,
Kelley?"  

He had her read letters which were projected on a wall, using first her left
eye, then her right. He shined a bright light into her eyes and stared with
some sort of magnifying glass. After making some notes, he told her to
please go back to the waiting room so he could talk to her parents. 

"Why can't I stay?" she asked.

"Kelley, please do as the doctor asked," her father said. 

Once Kelley left, the doctor closed the door and addressed Kelley's parents.
"I don't want to worry you, but I don't like the look of Kelley's retinas."

"What does that mean? "Kelley's father said. "She just needs glasses,
right?"

"I'm going to send you to Dr. Gonzales, a retinal specialist, as he's had
years of training in this area. But I think your daughter may have Retinitis
Pigmentosa."

"Retinal pigma-what?" Kelley's mother interjected. "I've never even heard of
that."

"RP is a retinal disease that first degrades night and peripheral vision,
then it attacks the central vision."

Simultaneously, both parents asked, "What can be done to stop it?"

Meanwhile, back in the waiting room Kelley lounged in an extra-large, comfy
chair and closed her eyes. Before long she drifted away to a sunny beach and
tropical blue waves.  

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