[stylist] Hindsight revisions based on Chris's trimming and adding

Sat Jan 9 22:00:15 UTC 2016

Hi,
I have looked at both versions of this story.  One thing I wanted 
to say is that you have great description.  As a totally blind 
person who doesn't really care what people look like, 
descriptions are definitely something I need to work on.
A couple of spelling errors-
staired-stared
wined-whined
cumfy-comfy
Is it Kelley or Kelly?
I actually liked the part in the first draft about how Kelley 
saved a boy from drowning in her dream.  With this version, with 
the woman screaming and then Kelley's mom waking her up, it seems 
very abrupt.
Finally, there is a bit of a confusing portion here:
 After her mom nudged, her
eyes opened wide.  'Time to go find you glasses.  I hope I don't 
look like a
nerd.  You'll find the coolest and prettiest looking ones.  The 
frames will
be your favorite color6'
I would change it to something like this:
"Time to find glasses," Kelley's mom told her gently.
Nervously, Kelley asked, "Am I going to look like a nerd?"
"Of course not," her mom reassured her.  "We'll find the coolest 
and prettiest ones."
Stories take lots of drafts, and it seems to me like you are 
really working hard at this one.
Good luck.
Vejas
----- Original Message -----
From: Jennifer Applegate via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org
To: <stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Sat, 9 Jan 2016 14:30:20 -0600
Subject: [stylist] Hindsight revisions based on Chris's trimming 
and adding

Hello all,

Below is my revisions based on Chris's attempted edit.  Please 
let me know
your thoughts.

     Autumn warn leaves lined the asphalt parking lot, as  
Kelley, a
blue-eyed, blond hair, third grade girl, was dropped off at 
Yeager
Elementary School.

"See you later, alligator.  I hope you have a great day.  I love 
you!," her
dad said.  "Bye daddy.  I hope today is fun.  Love you!"  Kelley 
grabbed her
dark brown backpack and walked with pep in her step down the 
sidewalk past
the patriotic flagpole into the one story bright yellow brick 
building.  The
door opened with a rush of cool air.  Teal, her best friend, told 
Kelley all
about her new puppy, Majic, a black lab, during homeroom.  The 
bell rang, and
they hurried off to English.

Kelley walked by Mrs.  Tostada's desk, as she glanced at her 
"readers are
Leaders" plaque and big red leather bible engraved with 
scriptures,
Philippians 4:13 and Jeremiah 29:11.  She noticed bright colored 
backpacks,
while she sat in her assigned chair in the back.

"I love your watch," said Kristen, a brown-haired girl who sat 
next to her.
"Thanks," Kelley replied, admiring the neon yellow Swatch, a 
birthday
present her parents gave her.

Mrs.  Tostada whistled the rambunctious third graders to order, 
and then she
took attendance.  "Please open your book, "Dare to Dream,"  to 
where we
finished yesterday," she said sternly.  "Read chapter three, and 
answer
questions I wrote on the chalkboard.  I'll give you fifteen 
minutes to do
this, and then we'll discuss your answers."

All around Kelley, classmates dug out their books and started 
quickly
flipping pages.  Kelley leaned forward with her elbows on the 
table, as she
squinted hard to see the questions.  However, the teacher's 
writing was
blurry, like a camera lens out of focus.  She slowly opened her 
book and
started reading the assigned chapter.

Before she finished reading, Mrs.  Tostada sternly announced, 
"Okay class,
it's time to discuss the answers.  Kelly, what was your answer 
for question
one?"  Looking down with a blushed face, she timidly replied, 
"Um, I
d-d-don't know."  "Are you sure you don't know?"  "Um, I 
d-d-don't know."
Kelly closed her eyes and hoped to disappear, as Mrs.  Tostada 
asked another
student.  Why couldn't she read quicker? She knew she was a 
speedy reader.
And why was the chalk so blurry?

After class, Mrs.  Tostada asked Kelley to stay for a moment.  
Kelley was
afraid Mrs.  Tostada might scold her, but Mrs.  Tostada spoke in 
a soft and
pleasant voice.  "Kelley, was there something wrong with you 
today?"  "Uh, I
couldn't see your writing on the board.  It was fuzzy."  Mrs.  
Tostada sat on
the edge of her chair and faced Kelley.  "Why didn't you speak 
up?"   Kelley
hesitated.  "I don't like feeling different."  Mrs.  Tostada 
smiled warmly at
her.  She removed her glasses and held them in front of Kelley.  
"You probably
need a pair of these," she said.  "I've worn them since I was 
about your
age.  There's nothing to be ashamed about-lots of people wear 
glasses.  I will
ask your mother to get your eyes checked."

After school, Kelly sat silently in the family's minivan as they 
sped
through traffic to arrive in time for her optometrist 
appointment.  In the
examination room, Kelley crossed and uncrossed her legs which 
shook, while
she staired at a picture of a woman who walked her dog on a 
beach.

"Don't be nervous, sweetie," Kelley's mom said.  "Your 
examination will go
fine.  I promise."

Several minutes passed before they heard knock knock on the door.  
A big man
with dark brown curly hair, and glasses entered the room.  He sat 
close,
shook her hand and said, "Hi Kelley, I'm Dr.  Glenze.  How are 
you today?"
"I'm a bit cold."  "Please just relax.  I'll examine you quickly 
with hardly
any pain.  You know, my daughter has blue eyes too."

He had her read letters which were projected on a wall, using 
first her left
eye, then her right.  As she attempted to read some of the 
letters, they
appeared like blurry horizontal and vertical lines to her.  With 
a red face,
Kelley told Dr.  Glenze what she saw.  Next, Dr.  Glenze shined a 
bright light
into her eyes and stared with a round magnifying glass.  After he 
took some
notes, he politely told her to relax in the waiting room, so he 
could talk
to her parents.

"Why can't I stay?" she wined.  "Kelley, please do as Dr.  Glenze 
asked," her
father sternly commanded.

Once Kelley left, Dr.  Glenze closed the squeaky door and 
addressed Kelley's
parents.

"I don't want to worry you guys, but I don't like the look of 
Kelley's
retinas."  "What does this mean?" Kelley's father said.  "She 
just needs
glasses, right?" "I will send y'all to Dr.  Gonzales, an expert 
genetic
retinal specialist.  But I think your daughter may have Retinitis
Pigmentosa." "Retinal pigma-what?," Kelley's mother interjected.  
"I've never
even heard of this." "RP is a retinal disease that first degrades 
night and
peripheral vision, then it attacks the central vision." 
Simultaneously, both
parents worriedly asked, "What can an expert retina doctor do to 
stop it?"

Meanwhile, in the waiting room Kelley lounged on an oversized 
cumfy creame
leather chair, and she  closed her eyes.  Before long she drifted 
away to a
sunny white beach and tropical blue waves.  A young girl with 
blonde hair,
walked her dog along the shore, and suddenly a woman panickly 
screamed for
help.

"Kelley Kelley Kelley.  Come on honey, wake up."  After her mom 
nudged, her
eyes opened wide.  'Time to go find you glasses.  I hope I don't 
look like a
nerd.  You'll find the coolest and prettiest looking ones.  The 
frames will
be your favorite color!'

Although Kelley didn't like every pair she tried on, she 
pretended to be
someone else who had fun.  After half an hour passed, she 
narrowed her
options to three pairs; purple, light green, and sparkly pink.  
Kelley
decided on the pink pair, and Her parent's smiled with approval.  
They
bought them in a hurry, and they sped through traffic to the next 
eye
appointment with Dr.  Gonzales.

     engulfed in a pitch black room, Kelley uncomfortably pressed 
her
forehead and chin against a white, metal sphere opening with a 
chin mold.
Kelley's eyes blinked fast, as a bright red dot occasionally 
flashed in her
eyesight.  When this dot appeared in her sight, she quickly 
pressed a button,
which notified such.  A half an hour later, her heavy eyelids 
closed for a
long time while she slept.

While Kelley's parents waited in Dr.  Gonzales's sterol white 
hospital
office, their eyes squinted, sweaty foreheads wrinkled, lower 
eyelids
drooped, top teeth gritted lower teeth, and hands rapidly shook.

'Hello Mr.  and Mrs.  Applespoon.  I am Dr.  Gonzales.  How are 
you folks doing
this afternoon? We're okay.  I read your daughter's eye 
examination report.
Unfortunately, Kelley has RP.  Does anyone on either side of your 
families
have RP?  Nooo.  Of course we don't.  Then Kelley's RP is 
recessive and rare.
RP progresses in each person's eyes randomly throughout their 
life.'  After
they talked with him, they waited for Kelley on black leather 
chairs, while
they wept loudly.

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