[stylist] Hindsight revisions based on Chris's trimming and adding

Sat Jan 9 22:10:25 UTC 2016

What does "Autumn warm leaves" mean? Maybe try switching autumn and warm
around.

Dialogue needs to be it's own paragraph. For example, in the following,

"See you later, alligator.  I hope you have a great day.  I love you!," her
dad said. {new para} "Bye daddy.  I hope today is fun.  Love you!"  Kelley
grabbed her dark brown backpack and walked with pep in her step down the
sidewalk past the patriotic flagpole into the one story bright yellow brick
building.  The door opened with a rush of cool air. {new para} Teal, her
best friend, told Kelley all about her new puppy, Majic, a black lab, during
homeroom. The bell rang, and they hurried off to English.

What's the significance of describing the Bible and specific scripture? What
purpose does it serve?

Again, why combine this dialogue? Each speaker's dialogue needs to be its
own para.

Before she finished reading, Mrs. Tostada sternly announced, "Okay class,
it's time to discuss the answers.  Kelly, what was your answer for question
one?"  {new para} Looking down with a blushed face, she timidly replied,
"Um, I d-d-don't know."  {new para} "Are you sure you don't know?"  {new
para} "Um, I d-d-don't know."

Would a doctor really have scheduled her for the very same day? Plus, most
doctor offices close in the afternoon, making it difficult to get to
appointments when kids get out of school. Likely an appointment would have
been made that day, but Kelley would have gone to the appointment a
different day.

Some minor punctuation issues, like commas missing. Make sure you understand
commas and when they should be employed. This is one of the top concerns I
see when editing.

Try to not use adverbs, especially in dialogue tags. Stick with simple, "she
said," "he answered," tags, and again, even use those only when necessary.
If you truly need to note a particular demeanor or tone, write it in the
action instead of using an adverb. For example:

"Why can't I stay?" Her lips parted in a pout as she scrunched her face.
"Kelley, please do as Dr. Glenze asked." He crossed his arms and glared.

Again, why is this all one para?

"I don't want to worry you guys, but I don't like the look of Kelley's
retinas."  "What does this mean?" Kelley's father said. "She just needs
glasses, right?" "I will send y'all to Dr. Gonzales, an expert genetic
retinal specialist. But I think your daughter may have Retinitis
Pigmentosa." "Retinal pigma-what?," Kelley's mother interjected. "I've never
even heard of this." "RP is a retinal disease that first degrades night and
peripheral vision, then it attacks the central vision." Simultaneously, both
parents worriedly asked, "What can an expert retina doctor do to stop it?"

First, this is one example of a sentence that needs cleaning up. It's an
unnecessary run-on. "A young girl with blonde hair, walked her dog along the
shore, {new sentence} and suddenly a woman panickly screamed for help.

Why use panickly? Scream suffices. Again, use strong nouns and verbs,
avoiding adverbs.

How does the dream work in this? What purpose does it serve other than to
fill space? The dream currently adds nothing to the story, especially as is.

You still have instances of tense switches.

Watch for the use of past perfect tense. You want to stay in an active
voice.

Lots of paras that need to be split, especially where dialogue is concerned.

Not that you need to emulate what others do, but Chris's edits were very
crisp and clean. They hit the meat of the story and moved it along very
well. Try for that precision and succinctness.

Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jennifer
Applegate via stylist
Sent: Saturday, January 09, 2016 2:30 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Cc: Jennifer Applegate <jlastar at comcast.net>
Subject: [stylist] Hindsight revisions based on Chris's trimming and adding

Hello all,

Below is my revisions based on Chris's attempted edit. Please let me know
your thoughts.

     Autumn warn leaves lined the asphalt parking lot, as  Kelley, a
blue-eyed, blond hair, third grade girl, was dropped off at Yeager
Elementary School. 

"See you later, alligator.  I hope you have a great day.  I love you!," her
dad said. "Bye daddy.  I hope today is fun.  Love you!"  Kelley grabbed her
dark brown backpack and walked with pep in her step down the sidewalk past
the patriotic flagpole into the one story bright yellow brick building.  The
door opened with a rush of cool air. Teal, her best friend, told Kelley all
about her new puppy, Majic, a black lab, during homeroom. The bell rang, and
they hurried off to English.

Kelley walked by Mrs. Tostada's desk, as she glanced at her "readers are
Leaders" plaque and big red leather bible engraved with scriptures,
Philippians 4:13 and Jeremiah 29:11. She noticed bright colored backpacks,
while she sat in her assigned chair in the back.

"I love your watch," said Kristen, a brown-haired girl who sat next to her.
"Thanks," Kelley replied, admiring the neon yellow Swatch, a birthday
present her parents gave her. 

Mrs. Tostada whistled the rambunctious third graders to order, and then she
took attendance. "Please open your book, "Dare to Dream,"  to where we
finished yesterday," she said sternly. "Read chapter three, and answer
questions I wrote on the chalkboard. I'll give you fifteen minutes to do
this, and then we'll discuss your answers."

All around Kelley, classmates dug out their books and started quickly
flipping pages. Kelley leaned forward with her elbows on the table, as she
squinted hard to see the questions.  However, the teacher's writing was
blurry, like a camera lens out of focus.  She slowly opened her book and
started reading the assigned chapter.

Before she finished reading, Mrs. Tostada sternly announced, "Okay class,
it's time to discuss the answers.  Kelly, what was your answer for question
one?"  Looking down with a blushed face, she timidly replied, "Um, I
d-d-don't know."  "Are you sure you don't know?"  "Um, I d-d-don't know."
Kelly closed her eyes and hoped to disappear, as Mrs. Tostada asked another
student. Why couldn't she read quicker? She knew she was a speedy reader.
And why was the chalk so blurry?

After class, Mrs. Tostada asked Kelley to stay for a moment. Kelley was
afraid Mrs. Tostada might scold her, but Mrs. Tostada spoke in a soft and
pleasant voice.  "Kelley, was there something wrong with you today?"  "Uh, I
couldn't see your writing on the board.  It was fuzzy."  Mrs. Tostada sat on
the edge of her chair and faced Kelley. "Why didn't you speak up?"   Kelley
hesitated.  "I don't like feeling different."  Mrs. Tostada smiled warmly at
her. She removed her glasses and held them in front of Kelley. "You probably
need a pair of these," she said.  "I've worn them since I was about your
age. There's nothing to be ashamed about-lots of people wear glasses. I will
ask your mother to get your eyes checked."

After school, Kelly sat silently in the family's minivan as they sped
through traffic to arrive in time for her optometrist appointment. In the
examination room, Kelley crossed and uncrossed her legs which shook, while
she staired at a picture of a woman who walked her dog on a beach.

"Don't be nervous, sweetie," Kelley's mom said. "Your examination will go
fine. I promise."

Several minutes passed before they heard knock knock on the door.  A big man
with dark brown curly hair, and glasses entered the room.  He sat close,
shook her hand and said, "Hi Kelley, I'm Dr. Glenze.  How are you today?"
"I'm a bit cold."  "Please just relax. I'll examine you quickly with hardly
any pain. You know, my daughter has blue eyes too."

He had her read letters which were projected on a wall, using first her left
eye, then her right. As she attempted to read some of the letters, they
appeared like blurry horizontal and vertical lines to her. With a red face,
Kelley told Dr. Glenze what she saw.  Next, Dr. Glenze shined a bright light
into her eyes and stared with a round magnifying glass. After he took some
notes, he politely told her to relax in the waiting room, so he could talk
to her parents.

"Why can't I stay?" she wined. "Kelley, please do as Dr. Glenze asked," her
father sternly commanded.

Once Kelley left, Dr. Glenze closed the squeaky door and addressed Kelley's
parents.

"I don't want to worry you guys, but I don't like the look of Kelley's
retinas."  "What does this mean?" Kelley's father said. "She just needs
glasses, right?" "I will send y'all to Dr. Gonzales, an expert genetic
retinal specialist. But I think your daughter may have Retinitis
Pigmentosa." "Retinal pigma-what?," Kelley's mother interjected. "I've never
even heard of this." "RP is a retinal disease that first degrades night and
peripheral vision, then it attacks the central vision." Simultaneously, both
parents worriedly asked, "What can an expert retina doctor do to stop it?"

Meanwhile, in the waiting room Kelley lounged on an oversized cumfy creame
leather chair, and she  closed her eyes. Before long she drifted away to a
sunny white beach and tropical blue waves.  A young girl with blonde hair,
walked her dog along the shore, and suddenly a woman panickly screamed for
help.

"Kelley Kelley Kelley. Come on honey, wake up."  After her mom nudged, her
eyes opened wide.  'Time to go find you glasses.  I hope I don't look like a
nerd. You'll find the coolest and prettiest looking ones.  The frames will
be your favorite color!'

Although Kelley didn't like every pair she tried on, she pretended to be
someone else who had fun.  After half an hour passed, she narrowed her
options to three pairs; purple, light green, and sparkly pink.  Kelley
decided on the pink pair, and Her parent's smiled with approval.  They
bought them in a hurry, and they sped through traffic to the next eye
appointment with Dr. Gonzales. 

     engulfed in a pitch black room, Kelley uncomfortably pressed her
forehead and chin against a white, metal sphere opening with a chin mold.
Kelley's eyes blinked fast, as a bright red dot occasionally flashed in her
eyesight. When this dot appeared in her sight, she quickly pressed a button,
which notified such.  A half an hour later, her heavy eyelids closed for a
long time while she slept.

While Kelley's parents waited in Dr. Gonzales's sterol white hospital
office, their eyes squinted, sweaty foreheads wrinkled, lower eyelids
drooped, top teeth gritted lower teeth, and hands rapidly shook.

'Hello Mr. and Mrs. Applespoon. I am Dr. Gonzales. How are you folks doing
this afternoon? We're okay. I read your daughter's eye examination report.
Unfortunately, Kelley has RP.  Does anyone on either side of your families
have RP?  Nooo. Of course we don't.  Then Kelley's RP is recessive and rare.
RP progresses in each person's eyes randomly throughout their life.'  After
they talked with him, they waited for Kelley on black leather chairs, while
they wept loudly.

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://writers.nfb.org/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/bkpollpeter%40gmail.com