[stylist] {Spam?} Re: {Spam?} Christian sci-fi novel, "Space Friends Indeed", Chapter 1a, 1336 words

Fri May 6 17:29:50 UTC 2016

In the first sentence, you use the word got. Can you come up with a better
verb? Got has become a part of popular vernacular, but it's not really
proper grammar. Maybe he plopped into his car, slid into his car, poured
into his car, etc. A proper verb can also help indicate mood or personality.
If the character's tired, he could slump into the car. If happy, maybe hops
or skips. Just examples.

Perhaps it's just reading funny because this is pasted in, but dialogue
should be it's own paragraph. So when David speaks to the car, it should be
its own para, and then when the car speaks, it should be a separate para.
Every time a new person/character speaks, it should be its own para.

You need a comma before dialogue. When David says, "David Stevens got into
his car and said (need comma) "Freja(also need comma) go home." When using a
name in this context, you need a comma.

David informs that his wife is still intellectually stimulating. Can you
elaborate? How so? This also seems funny, is it supposed to be?

What do you mean by "dog-like mentalities," when describing the robots? It's
not clear.

Why mention twice that Minnie has a holographic face? After the first time,
we understand that she has a hologram for a face. It's redundant to mention
again, especially in such a short span of time.

What's the point of mentioning the pie goes back in the fridge for another
meal? How does it affect plot or characterization? It seems like filler
information that's not necessary.

When Kathy ask David if he remembers them meeting, the language is stilted
and not realistic. A couple married for several years with children would
not speak so formally. Simulate real speech, how you would say this to your
significant other.

This seems like it's going one direction then towards the end, it's very
unclear.

I've also seen this trope done a lot, especially of late. What makes your
story distinct? What makes your characters distinct? This is currently
following a lot of other SciFi, dystopian, futuristic, global/environmental
problem story line so many writers are working with these days. These
characters need to really stand out, separate themselves so this is not just
another story about where the world is going. The environmental collapse,
world concerns, robotic/human engineering, etc., I've seen it a lot. You
really need to hone in on what makes your story unique. Why should we care
about these characters. Margaret Atwood and Paolo Bacigalupi are two really
great authors to look at who are writing stories like this.

Do some studying on grammar and punctuation, especially commas. This has
several instances of errors like this.

You do not need to constantly use character names. Where appropriate, just
use the pronoun.

Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Barbara
HAMMEL via stylist
Sent: Friday, May 06, 2016 11:55 AM
To: Writers' Division Mailing List <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Barbara HAMMEL <poetlori8 at msn.com>
Subject: [stylist] {Spam?} Re: {Spam?} Christian sci-fi novel, "Space
Friends Indeed", Chapter 1a, 1336 words

A careful reread will show you a few places where you used pronouns when a
noun should have been used. And you didn't need to tell us twice about the
hologram being the robot's face. Otherwise, I thought the story was fine. 

Barbara Hammel

> On May 4, 2016, at 14:16, John J. Boyer via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org>
wrote:
> 
> Here is the first part of Chapter 1 of a Chtistian sci-fi novel I am 
> writing. Your critiques will be fery welcome. This is a work in 
> progress, but it is copyrighted.
> 
> --------------------------------
> SPACE FRIENDS INDEED: Chapter 1
> 
>   David Stephens got into his car and said "Freyja Home." "Fasten your
seat belt, please." said the car in a soft feminine voice. He did so,
smiling at his
>   absent-mindedness. The vehicle unplugged itself and maneuvered out of
the parking lot of Best Friend Robots, Inc.
> 
>   David sighed contentedly, relishing the prospect of the twenty-minute
trip without pressures. it had been a hard but exciting day. His mind was
still filled with
>   the problems of designing the next version of his robot brain. He tried
to clear it with thoughts of his wife Kathy and their three children. He and
Kathy were
>   still very much in love after all these years. Being with her was also
intellectually stimulating. She was an astrobiology professor at the
University of
>   Wisconsin. She might have some new information about her current
research project, the organic goo on Saturn's moon Titan. At ten, Anne
already had the makings
>   of a scientist. Bob, at six, was near the top of his class. Baby Jenny
would begin to walk soon. It would be interesting to see how their robotic
cook and
>   housekeeper was handling its tasks. It was one of the company's products
that he was testing. So was this car and Kathy's. Both used his robot brain,
though with
>   different mechanicals. He chuckled: Those old mythologies were a handy
source of unusual names for the company's robots, which had dog-like
mentalities. It had
>   been Kathy's idea. Her hobby of amateur archaeology had exposed her to
them. She had named her car Balder after one of the handsomest of the Norse
gods. He had
>   named his Freyja, after one of the most beautiful of the goddesses.
Their robotic maid was named Minnie, but when she was commanded to act as a
bodyguard she
>   responded to the name Minotaur.
> 
>   His reverie was interrupted by the announcement "Here we are." as the
car entered his driveway. The garage door opened at its command. It moved
into the space
>   marked for it on the floor and plugged itself in to top off its
batteries. Kathy's car was already in its space and plugged in.
> 
>   David went through the door into the house. He sniffed appreciatively
the aroma of beef stroganoff. In the kitchen Kathy and the two older
children were watching
>   Minnie, the robot cook, finish the preparations for dinner. Her precise
movements were beautiful to see. The holographic projector which was her
face showed an
>   expression of rapt attention. She took the apple pie out of the oven
with hot mits, because the heat would have damaged her plastic skin and its
sensors. Putting
>   the beef stroanoff on the table, she added the sour cream. David felt a
sense of deep satisfaction. The company had hired expert chefs to help
develop the "cook"
>   software module.
> 
>   Minnie began to lay out the dishes and silverware. Bob felt that he was
big enough to be useful. At instructions from Kathy Minnie gave him some
silverware and
>   showed him how to place it. He soon tired of the game. Minnie continued
with an amused smile on the holographic projector that served her as a face.
She brought
>   the cooling applle pie and cut it into sections for the four dessert
plates. the rest would go in the refrigerator for another meal.
> 
>   Dinner now being ready, 10-year-old Anne brought baby Jenny in her
basinet. Minnie went to sit on her special chair, which had charging coils
in the seat. She
>   projected an expression of alertness, signifying that she was ready to
respond if requested. The family seated themselves and began to eat.
> 
>   Kathy said: "Good work, Minnie. Just the right amount of paprika in the
beef stroganoff. And these vegetables are just right, crisp and tender."
> 
>   David smiled his aproval at Kathy. It was important to praise the robot
as one might praise a dog, because its principal motives were to please and
protect its
>   masters.
> 
>   Even the children made no protests about the vegetables. Bob was 
>   excited about his beginning classes in computer programming. Anne
described what her social
>   studies teacher had said that day about the effects of rising carbon
dioxide levels.
> 
>   At the conclusion of the meal, Minnie began to clear the table. The
family went to the living room to watch the evening news.
> 
>   The top news stories were about the weather, as was often the case these
days. California was withering in another multi-year drought. The Outback of
Australia
>   was being deluged. Rio de Janeiro was sizzling.
> 
>   The news anchor switched to an interview with a scientist from the
University whom both Kathy and David knew. He noted that rising sea levels
were threatening
>   New York and Florida. New Orleans would soon have to be abandoned. The
inhabitants of the Pacific island nation of Vanuto were already thinking of
where they
>   could move. All this had been predicted in the early years of the
twenty-first century. Now at mid-Century the predictions were being
realized. He wound up with
>   warnings that the climate might reach a "tipping point", where great
changes could occur with catastrophic rapidity. The Anchor extended the
interview. What
>   could be done? A veil of fine particles could be placed in the
stratosphere. This would cool the planet as happened after a large volcanic
eruption. But this
>   would be only a stopgap measure. Burning of fossil fuels would have to
stop. So would deforestation. And reforestation must be begun.
> 
>   The news stream moved on to politics, which were the usual mess. In this
presidential election year the candidates were debating acrimoniously about
what should
>   be done about climate change. The most conservative denied that there
was a crisis. The most liberal were advocating various impractical schemes,
such as
>   universal belt-tightening or putting up a giant sunscreen in space.
> 
>   The international scene was roiled by refugees fleeing coastal areas in
danger of flooding and storm surges. The few dictators were still enriching
themselves.
>   North Korea had exploded a nuclear bomb 100 kilometers above South Korea
to show that it could. The resulting electromagnetic pulse had disrupted the
power grids
>   of both countries. The reigning monarch had blamed his scientists,
though it was known that they had warned him.
> 
>   David hit the off button on the remote. The 3d figures vanished, leaving
only a glossy wall across the room. Beside him Kathy looked concerned.
During the news
>   her hand had stolen into his. Bob was sprawled on the floor, playing
with his smartphone. Anne came up to him. He was proud of her. She had
earned her amateur
>   radio license at eight. She had a small station of her own, but she
liked to operate her father's station, with its many antennas and higher
power.
> 
>   Now she was asking for the favor. He assented, because tonight he was
inclined to pursue his other hobby of amateur astronomy. He smiled. She was
developing a
>   budding interest in radio astronomy. She liked to point his 15-meter
beam antenna at Sagitarius and listen to the black hole at the center of the
galaxy, or to
>   point the ten-meter beam at Jupiter and listen to the old pagan god
talking to himself. He had promised her that one day they would try to pick
up a pulsar. With
>   a final warning that she must be in bed at her usual time, he stood up
to get ready.
> 
>   Kathy came with him to make sure he was warmly dressed. Global warming
or not, January here in Wisconsin was still cold. But she had ulterior
motives. This
>   became apparent when she raised her head for a kiss and said "Davy, do
you remember how we met at the University's astronomy club when we were both
grad
>   students. That started all these wonderful years. Now I have a feeling
that something really wonderful is about to happen."
> 
>   "Great hearts feel alike. I've had a hunch like that for a while. Where
could these feelings have come from?"
> 
>   "It couldn't feel so wonderful if it wasn't good."
> 
> 
> Thanks,
> --
> John J. Boyer, Executive Director,
> GodTouches Digital Ministry, Inc.
> Email: john at godtouches.org
> Website: http://www.godtouches.org
> Location: Madison, Wisconsin, USA
> Mission: To promote universalPeace, Love and Service
> 
> 
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