[stylist] {Spam?} Re: {Spam?} Christian sci-fi novel, "Space Friends Indeed", Chapter 1a, 1336 words

Fri May 6 22:03:10 UTC 2016

Actually, Bridgit, there is nothing wrong with the conversation with Kathy. LOL! Some of us do like to be playful and use that kind of language in our everyday communication for the fun of it. I have a friend from college who used to do it quite regularly. If that's the type of person he's going to build her to be or that's the playfulness mechanism they use, what's wrong with it? 

Barbara Hammel

> On May 6, 2016, at 12:30, Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> 
> In the first sentence, you use the word got. Can you come up with a better
> verb? Got has become a part of popular vernacular, but it's not really
> proper grammar. Maybe he plopped into his car, slid into his car, poured
> into his car, etc. A proper verb can also help indicate mood or personality.
> If the character's tired, he could slump into the car. If happy, maybe hops
> or skips. Just examples.
> 
> Perhaps it's just reading funny because this is pasted in, but dialogue
> should be it's own paragraph. So when David speaks to the car, it should be
> its own para, and then when the car speaks, it should be a separate para.
> Every time a new person/character speaks, it should be its own para.
> 
> You need a comma before dialogue. When David says, "David Stevens got into
> his car and said (need comma) "Freja(also need comma) go home." When using a
> name in this context, you need a comma.
> 
> David informs that his wife is still intellectually stimulating. Can you
> elaborate? How so? This also seems funny, is it supposed to be?
> 
> What do you mean by "dog-like mentalities," when describing the robots? It's
> not clear.
> 
> Why mention twice that Minnie has a holographic face? After the first time,
> we understand that she has a hologram for a face. It's redundant to mention
> again, especially in such a short span of time.
> 
> What's the point of mentioning the pie goes back in the fridge for another
> meal? How does it affect plot or characterization? It seems like filler
> information that's not necessary.
> 
> When Kathy ask David if he remembers them meeting, the language is stilted
> and not realistic. A couple married for several years with children would
> not speak so formally. Simulate real speech, how you would say this to your
> significant other.
> 
> This seems like it's going one direction then towards the end, it's very
> unclear.
> 
> I've also seen this trope done a lot, especially of late. What makes your
> story distinct? What makes your characters distinct? This is currently
> following a lot of other SciFi, dystopian, futuristic, global/environmental
> problem story line so many writers are working with these days. These
> characters need to really stand out, separate themselves so this is not just
> another story about where the world is going. The environmental collapse,
> world concerns, robotic/human engineering, etc., I've seen it a lot. You
> really need to hone in on what makes your story unique. Why should we care
> about these characters. Margaret Atwood and Paolo Bacigalupi are two really
> great authors to look at who are writing stories like this.
> 
> Do some studying on grammar and punctuation, especially commas. This has
> several instances of errors like this.
> 
> You do not need to constantly use character names. Where appropriate, just
> use the pronoun.
> 
> Bridgit
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Barbara
> HAMMEL via stylist
> Sent: Friday, May 06, 2016 11:55 AM
> To: Writers' Division Mailing List <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Cc: Barbara HAMMEL <poetlori8 at msn.com>
> Subject: [stylist] {Spam?} Re: {Spam?} Christian sci-fi novel, "Space
> Friends Indeed", Chapter 1a, 1336 words
> 
> 
> 
> A careful reread will show you a few places where you used pronouns when a
> noun should have been used. And you didn't need to tell us twice about the
> hologram being the robot's face. Otherwise, I thought the story was fine. 
> 
> Barbara Hammel
> 
>>> On May 4, 2016, at 14:16, John J. Boyer via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>> wrote:
>> 
>> Here is the first part of Chapter 1 of a Chtistian sci-fi novel I am 
>> writing. Your critiques will be fery welcome. This is a work in 
>> progress, but it is copyrighted.
>> 
>> --------------------------------
>> SPACE FRIENDS INDEED: Chapter 1
>> 
>>  David Stephens got into his car and said "Freyja Home." "Fasten your
> seat belt, please." said the car in a soft feminine voice. He did so,
> smiling at his
>>  absent-mindedness. The vehicle unplugged itself and maneuvered out of
> the parking lot of Best Friend Robots, Inc.
>> 
>>  David sighed contentedly, relishing the prospect of the twenty-minute
> trip without pressures. it had been a hard but exciting day. His mind was
> still filled with
>>  the problems of designing the next version of his robot brain. He tried
> to clear it with thoughts of his wife Kathy and their three children. He and
> Kathy were
>>  still very much in love after all these years. Being with her was also
> intellectually stimulating. She was an astrobiology professor at the
> University of
>>  Wisconsin. She might have some new information about her current
> research project, the organic goo on Saturn's moon Titan. At ten, Anne
> already had the makings
>>  of a scientist. Bob, at six, was near the top of his class. Baby Jenny
> would begin to walk soon. It would be interesting to see how their robotic
> cook and
>>  housekeeper was handling its tasks. It was one of the company's products
> that he was testing. So was this car and Kathy's. Both used his robot brain,
> though with
>>  different mechanicals. He chuckled: Those old mythologies were a handy
> source of unusual names for the company's robots, which had dog-like
> mentalities. It had
>>  been Kathy's idea. Her hobby of amateur archaeology had exposed her to
> them. She had named her car Balder after one of the handsomest of the Norse
> gods. He had
>>  named his Freyja, after one of the most beautiful of the goddesses.
> Their robotic maid was named Minnie, but when she was commanded to act as a
> bodyguard she
>>  responded to the name Minotaur.
>> 
>>  His reverie was interrupted by the announcement "Here we are." as the
> car entered his driveway. The garage door opened at its command. It moved
> into the space
>>  marked for it on the floor and plugged itself in to top off its
> batteries. Kathy's car was already in its space and plugged in.
>> 
>>  David went through the door into the house. He sniffed appreciatively
> the aroma of beef stroganoff. In the kitchen Kathy and the two older
> children were watching
>>  Minnie, the robot cook, finish the preparations for dinner. Her precise
> movements were beautiful to see. The holographic projector which was her
> face showed an
>>  expression of rapt attention. She took the apple pie out of the oven
> with hot mits, because the heat would have damaged her plastic skin and its
> sensors. Putting
>>  the beef stroanoff on the table, she added the sour cream. David felt a
> sense of deep satisfaction. The company had hired expert chefs to help
> develop the "cook"
>>  software module.
>> 
>>  Minnie began to lay out the dishes and silverware. Bob felt that he was
> big enough to be useful. At instructions from Kathy Minnie gave him some
> silverware and
>>  showed him how to place it. He soon tired of the game. Minnie continued
> with an amused smile on the holographic projector that served her as a face.
> She brought
>>  the cooling applle pie and cut it into sections for the four dessert
> plates. the rest would go in the refrigerator for another meal.
>> 
>>  Dinner now being ready, 10-year-old Anne brought baby Jenny in her
> basinet. Minnie went to sit on her special chair, which had charging coils
> in the seat. She
>>  projected an expression of alertness, signifying that she was ready to
> respond if requested. The family seated themselves and began to eat.
>> 
>>  Kathy said: "Good work, Minnie. Just the right amount of paprika in the
> beef stroganoff. And these vegetables are just right, crisp and tender."
>> 
>>  David smiled his aproval at Kathy. It was important to praise the robot
> as one might praise a dog, because its principal motives were to please and
> protect its
>>  masters.
>> 
>>  Even the children made no protests about the vegetables. Bob was 
>>  excited about his beginning classes in computer programming. Anne
> described what her social
>>  studies teacher had said that day about the effects of rising carbon
> dioxide levels.
>> 
>>  At the conclusion of the meal, Minnie began to clear the table. The
> family went to the living room to watch the evening news.
>> 
>>  The top news stories were about the weather, as was often the case these
> days. California was withering in another multi-year drought. The Outback of
> Australia
>>  was being deluged. Rio de Janeiro was sizzling.
>> 
>>  The news anchor switched to an interview with a scientist from the
> University whom both Kathy and David knew. He noted that rising sea levels
> were threatening
>>  New York and Florida. New Orleans would soon have to be abandoned. The
> inhabitants of the Pacific island nation of Vanuto were already thinking of
> where they
>>  could move. All this had been predicted in the early years of the
> twenty-first century. Now at mid-Century the predictions were being
> realized. He wound up with
>>  warnings that the climate might reach a "tipping point", where great
> changes could occur with catastrophic rapidity. The Anchor extended the
> interview. What
>>  could be done? A veil of fine particles could be placed in the
> stratosphere. This would cool the planet as happened after a large volcanic
> eruption. But this
>>  would be only a stopgap measure. Burning of fossil fuels would have to
> stop. So would deforestation. And reforestation must be begun.
>> 
>>  The news stream moved on to politics, which were the usual mess. In this
> presidential election year the candidates were debating acrimoniously about
> what should
>>  be done about climate change. The most conservative denied that there
> was a crisis. The most liberal were advocating various impractical schemes,
> such as
>>  universal belt-tightening or putting up a giant sunscreen in space.
>> 
>>  The international scene was roiled by refugees fleeing coastal areas in
> danger of flooding and storm surges. The few dictators were still enriching
> themselves.
>>  North Korea had exploded a nuclear bomb 100 kilometers above South Korea
> to show that it could. The resulting electromagnetic pulse had disrupted the
> power grids
>>  of both countries. The reigning monarch had blamed his scientists,
> though it was known that they had warned him.
>> 
>>  David hit the off button on the remote. The 3d figures vanished, leaving
> only a glossy wall across the room. Beside him Kathy looked concerned.
> During the news
>>  her hand had stolen into his. Bob was sprawled on the floor, playing
> with his smartphone. Anne came up to him. He was proud of her. She had
> earned her amateur
>>  radio license at eight. She had a small station of her own, but she
> liked to operate her father's station, with its many antennas and higher
> power.
>> 
>>  Now she was asking for the favor. He assented, because tonight he was
> inclined to pursue his other hobby of amateur astronomy. He smiled. She was
> developing a
>>  budding interest in radio astronomy. She liked to point his 15-meter
> beam antenna at Sagitarius and listen to the black hole at the center of the
> galaxy, or to
>>  point the ten-meter beam at Jupiter and listen to the old pagan god
> talking to himself. He had promised her that one day they would try to pick
> up a pulsar. With
>>  a final warning that she must be in bed at her usual time, he stood up
> to get ready.
>> 
>>  Kathy came with him to make sure he was warmly dressed. Global warming
> or not, January here in Wisconsin was still cold. But she had ulterior
> motives. This
>>  became apparent when she raised her head for a kiss and said "Davy, do
> you remember how we met at the University's astronomy club when we were both
> grad
>>  students. That started all these wonderful years. Now I have a feeling
> that something really wonderful is about to happen."
>> 
>>  "Great hearts feel alike. I've had a hunch like that for a while. Where
> could these feelings have come from?"
>> 
>>  "It couldn't feel so wonderful if it wasn't good."
>> 
>> 
>> Thanks,
>> --
>> John J. Boyer, Executive Director,
>> GodTouches Digital Ministry, Inc.
>> Email: john at godtouches.org
>> Website: http://www.godtouches.org
>> Location: Madison, Wisconsin, USA
>> Mission: To promote universalPeace, Love and Service
>> 
>> 
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