[stylist] {Spam?} Re: {Spam?} Space Friends Indeed, Chapter 2, 1218 words
John J. Boyer
john at godtouches.org
Thu May 12 01:01:01 UTC 2016
Hi Bridgit,
Thanks for the thoughtful critique. I've been annoyed with excessive
dialogue in some stories that dwells on minutiae rather than advancing
the story. I probably went to the opposite extreme in the first chapter.
I'll be making a lot of revisions, so I won't post any more exceerpts
for a while.
John
On Mon, May 09, 2016 at 09:06:43AM -0500, Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter via stylist wrote:
> You do a good job of providing information in dialogue. Sometimes, when done
> in narration, it drags the story down, but when doing in dialogue, it makes
> sense characters would discuss these things, and it's less cumbersome. When
> possible, include information about plot or characters or necessary info in
> dialogue or action.
>
> Several times in chapter one and now two, you mention Minnie's hologram
> face. I don't think you need to constantly repeat her face is a hologram
> because you establish it the first time we meet her, so to continue to
> describe it becomes redundant.
>
> With the dialogue, there's often large chunks a character speaks. It's good
> to break up large sections of dialogue with action. Don't make it
> superfluous-- it still should drive plot forward and/or work to
> characterize, but attribute some action to the characters as they speak.
> This is another good way to provide info without "telling" in the narration.
>
> Bridgit
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of John J. Boyer
> via stylist
> Sent: Sunday, May 08, 2016 10:07 PM
> To: stylist at nfbnet.org
> Cc: John J. Boyer <john at godtouches.org>
> Subject: [stylist] {Spam?} Space Friends Indeed, Chapter 2, 1218 words
>
> Many thanks for the critiques I received for Chapter 1. I am revising the
> chapter with them in mind. Hopefully Chapter 2 will also merit reading and
> critiquing.
>
> ---------------------------------
> SPACE FRIENDS INDEED: Chapter 2
>
> After a short silence Kathy said, "I'm not sure I really believe in
> premonitions and hunches, but there's something very odd about this whole
> thing. They say
> that they were asked to come to our aid. Who asked them?"
>
> "Yes, and even if they are another race of sentient beings, are they just
> pretending to be our friends."
>
> "Friends or not, this could be the greatest thing for astrobiology. There
> are a lot of other unanswered questions. For one, how do they know all our
> languages?
> For another, why hasn't this so-called spaceship been seen before if it's
> so big?"
>
> "Well, said David, "We've been pouring out radio and television signals
> for more than a hundred years and communicating with spacecraft for nearly
> as long. The
> object is in an uninteresting-looking patch of sky, and it didn't attract
> attention to itself until a little while ago."
>
> Kathy realized that the baby had fallen asleep and texted Minnie to take
> the child to the nursery. The robot came and took the baby with a tender
> smile on her
> holographic face. David asked her to return to the radio room. She
> reported that Bob would not give up his phone and go to sleep. Kathy went to
> deal with the
> situation.
>
> It was long past Anne's bedtime, but neither parent mentioned it. She was
> certainly too excited to get any sleep.
>
> Minnie came back and took her place in the special chair that David had
> designed. It had charging coils in the seat which were activated by her
> weight. And it
> had safety belts, so she wouldn't fall out if she was put in computer
> mode. After all, she was by far the most powerful computer in the house.
>
> Kathy returned looking thoughtful. "Davy," she said, "we've got to get
> one of the big telescopes on that thing. We need a spectrum. If it's really
> that big it
> must have considerable gravity. It may even have an atmosphere. A
> spectrum would tell us a lot."
>
> "Right. Maybe some of your colleagues could do something."
>
> "I'll talk to the astronomers at the University. Most of them are
> analyzing data. Only a couple are at observatories now. Professor Thompson
> is a good friend and
> heads the astronomy department. He may be able to pull some strings."
>
> "It's late, but I don't think this can wait." said David. "It's night in
> this hemisphere. A good time for observing. But it'll be tough to preempt
> anyone who has
> time on a big scope this night."
>
> "Tough is right, but I'll try."
>
> Kathy began dialing her phone and talking animatedly. Responses were
> initially grumpy, but when she could persuade someone to look at the star
> with binoculars
> they became excited. Professor Thompson said he would see what he could
> do and call back.
>
> Sleep was finally overcoming Anne. Kathy led her to her room and put her
> to bed.
>
> David asked Minnie to bring coffee for the two of them. She returned in a
> few minutes with a steaming pot, two cups and some energy bars.
>
> While they were pouring their coffee Professor Thompson called back.
> Kathy activated her speakerphone.
>
> Dr. Thompson said< "As expected, the big telescopes, both on earth and in
> space, are booked for months to come. However, we have a 1-meter telescope
> that we use
> for educational purposes. It has a fairly good spectrograph. I'm on my
> way there now. That will give us a start. To get much information about the
> object's
> atmosphere we would need one of the space telescopes. But if we get some
> good data NASA or the military may kick someone off."
>
> "Surely they know about it already," said David.
>
> "Yes, but we can move faster than they can."
>
> The baby monitor beeped. They could hear a soft cry. David went to see
> what Jenny needed. As he changed her he chuckled, reflecting that his
> grandfather wouldn't
> have known how to change a diaper to save his life.
>
> Back in the radio room they waited. It would be at least an hour before
> Dr. Thompson could get back to them. They tried to relax in their chairs.
> The coming day
> would be very busy for both of them.
>
> Finally the call came through. "It certainly looks like a planet. In
> fact, it even has a moon. You can download images of both and spectra at our
> astronomy
> website. We'll keep on it. In a day or two we can calculate the moon's
> orbit. That will tell us the mass of the system. in a month we should be
> able to calculate
> the orbit of the planet itself. That will give us its exact distance from
> the sun."
>
> David said "Minnie, Suspend robot mode."
>
> "Thumbprint please."
>
> David pressed his thumb against the reader on her temple. She fastened
> the chair's safety belts, because the processors that controlled her motor
> functions would
> be preempted, and folded her hands in her lap. Her projector showed the
> operating system's 3d start screen.
>
> David began giving commands from his station computer over the encrypted
> wireless connection. Minnie downloaded the main image. It was a mottled
> disk. It was
> brighter around the edges than it could be expected to be, and the edges
> were a bit fuzzy - an indication of atmosphere. When David applied shading
> and
> perspective the disk swelled into a half-globe with markings that might
> be clouds. A little more than half, because when it was slightly rotated
> they could see
> that light from a source behind it was being bent over its horizon by its
> atmosphere. Its spectrum was mostly reflected sunlight, but with a blazing
> green
> line--the laser.
>
> Next the moon. It was a featureless sphere even with enhancements, except
> for tiny dark spots, hardly more than single pixels, that were spaced
> regularly in what
> seemed to be part of a circle. It appeared to be made of polished metal.
>
> Kathy asked to see the enhanced image of the planet again. After studying
> it for a moment she said: "From the amount of sunlight it's getting its
> temperature
> must be well below 100 kelvins, colder than Titan. If it is really
> inhabited the creatures will have a form of metabolism that is completely
> new to us. At that
> temperature it would be very slow."
>
> David said: "Well there are electronic devices that function nicely at
> those temperatures, and the mechanicals could be worked out. Remember the
> speculations
> about a life form consisting of hives of robots. Some members would have
> the job of repairing others. Some would make new robots. When the hive
> wanted to
> reproduce it would swarm like bees."
>
> "Interesting. But how would something like that get started? Of course we
> don't know how life on Earth got started."
>
> "Really?"
>
> "Yes. With great effort we can build simple cells from scratch, but that
> proves nothing. We weren't around when such cells first came into
> existence."
>
> Kathy called Professor Thompson and described their findings. He asked
> that the enhanced image be uploaded and gave the credentials.
>
> David instructed Minnie to perform the upload and commanded her to store
> the enhanced image and resume robot mode.
>
> She unfastened the safety belts, looked around, and asked, "Do you want
> more coffee?"
>
> They shook their heads. "We want to get some sleep." said Kathy.
>
> --
> John J. Boyer, Executive Director,
> GodTouches Digital Ministry, Inc.
> Email: john at godtouches.org
> Website: http://www.godtouches.org
> Location: Madison, Wisconsin, USA
> Mission: To promote universalPeace, Love and Service
>
>
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--
John J. Boyer, Executive Director,
GodTouches Digital Ministry, Inc.
Email: john at godtouches.org
Website: http://www.godtouches.org
Location: Madison, Wisconsin, USA
Mission: To promote universalPeace, Love and Service
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