[stylist] {Spam?} first chapter to share

[Tessa]

Thanks Shelley for reading, I appreciate your comments.
Tessa

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Joanne Alongi via stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
To: "Writers' Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Cc: "Joanne Alongi" <salongi712 at yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, October 10, 2016 4:20 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] {Spam?} first chapter to share


: Hi Tessa,
: As someone who has spent endless hours working out drafts I like this 
read. I like what you included and what you left out. Sometimes some things 
are better revealed later or by other characters. I don't know your plan on 
this. As a rider on Greyhound a few times I can attest to the agents I've 
experienced anyway not really being interested in life questions so good 
characterization. The discovery of the man in the road was a little 
suspenseful because I kept thinking oh goodness I hope he's not dead. Nice 
writing. And I also relate to the Nanowrimo thing of fifty thousand words 
becoming eighty or sixty thousand. I have a final draft I'm working on 
before formatting it and so I'm planning to finish that in NOvember using 
Nanowrimo as a motivation. Good luck. Hope to see more of this soon.
:
: Shelley, Queen of Bells out!
: See Trespasser my first published novel, 2015
: Http://www.lulu.com/queenofbells712
:
: > On Oct 10, 2016, at 7:43 AM, Vejas via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> 
wrote:
: >
: > Hi Tessa,
: > I agree with what you are saying but with one point of debate.
: > Even if Mike knew that Fran was blind, you could still keep as is and 
have him drop off where he did. The reason I feel this way is that, 
realistically, people have their own lives to think about. For example, 
there are these that, when you may need help getting to a certain location 
quickly, will point you in the right direction of a place, knowing full well 
you are blind, and just go back to their friends.
: > Something I have learned since starting college, is that often when the 
blind are younger they are treated with a false sense of entitlement but I 
have found that there is absolutely no obligation to help a blind person, or 
anyone with a disability for that matter. It is because of the kindness of 
someone's heart that they help, not because, as it is with younger kids, 
it's drilled into them that they must.
: > Fran did just accept that she had to walk 2 miles. Just like sighted 
people, there are these who are blind who can travel well and some that are 
challenged directionally haha. I'm sure if she wasn't capable of doing it 
she would have said so.
: > Vejas
: >
: >> On Oct 10, 2016, at 04:58, Tessa via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> 
wrote:
: >>
: >> Hi Chris,
: >> Thanks, some useful observations.
: >>
: >> I have found that when getting off the greyhound, though buses may have
: >> changed a little since my travels that it was easier to just hold the 
leash
: >> while exiting the bus and picking up the harness once on the platform.
: >>
: >> I'll have a look at Fran's thoughts re not telling her employer she 
couldn't
: >> see, perhaps combine several thoughts into one.
: >>
: >> Yes the description of just what she can and can't see is a pain here, 
the
: >> greyhound driver wouldn't care, the station master though slightly
: >> interested doesn't really have time for much small talk. The guy who 
gives
: >> her a ride prefers to talk rather than listen to someone else talk. I 
could
: >> change that and have him ask those questions but then that would 
completely
: >> change the story. I'm not altogether sure that he even realizes that 
Fran is
: >> blind, considering the number of times I've been challenged at walmart 
I
: >> think there are still an awful lot of people who don't realize what a 
guide
: >> dog is. If Mike realized just how much Fran couldn't see, there's no 
way
: >> he'd just drop her at the turn off. He might uncouple the trailor and 
drive
: >> her in, {I'd have to ask my dad how difficult that would be} but if he 
did
: >> that it would completely change the story.
: >>
: >> Thanks for your feedback, it's given me something to think about.
: >> Tessa
: >>
: >> ----- Original Message ----- 
: >> From: "Chris Kuell via stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
: >> To: "'Writers' Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
: >> Cc: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net>
: >> Sent: Sunday, October 09, 2016 5:09 PM
: >> Subject: Re: [stylist] {Spam?} first chapter to share
: >>
: >>
: >> : Hi Tessa,
: >> :
: >> : This is a really good first chapter. Your pacing is good, Fran is an
: >> : interesting character, plus a competent blind woman, which naturally
: >> appeals
: >> : to readers like me. You use enough details without overdoing it, and 
have
: >> : set up an intriguing mystery, which leaves readers wanting to turn 
the
: >> page.
: >> : So, really good job.
: >> :
: >> : A couple other comments. You have her thinking she didn't tell her
: >> employer
: >> : she was blind either 2 or 3 times, which is repetitive and 
unnecessary.
: >> When
: >> : she gets off the bus, she takes Ruby by her leash, but wouldn't that 
be
: >> her
: >> : harness? You hyphenate email, and while I'm no expert, I think the 
way it
: >> is
: >> : currently done is with no hyphen.
: >> :
: >> : I noticed that neither the bus station attendant or his friend asked 
her
: >> : about her blindness. While I understand not wanting to focus on her
: >> : blindness, this might be a good spot to 'show' her explaining it. In 
other
: >> : words, in a few sentences she could tell the driver about what she 
can and
: >> : can't see, rather than using internal dialogue as you have. Either 
way is
: >> : okay, but it's a thought I've had. Personally, I've found strangers 
always
: >> : ask me about my blindness, how I lost my sight, and so on. And I'll 
bet
: >> they
: >> : always ask about guide dogs as well.
: >> :
: >> : Nice job, and thanks for sharing.
: >> :
: >> : Chris
: >> :
: >> :
: >> :
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