[stylist] {Spam?} Re: Novel excerpt

[Alyssa Frierson]

Hi Chris,
Thank you as always for your comments. I did wonder if I should
include the entire list of showtunes they perform. I appreciate your
feedback.

Alyssa

On 8/19/16, Chris Kuell  via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>
> Hey Alyssa,
>
> This chapter reads well, and you do a nice job of building the attraction
> between Olivia and Nicki. I have written in a few nit picky comments for you
> to consider below. You might also want to abbreviate the list of show tunes
> when they are performing and just list a couple so the reader gets the idea.
> Again, just a suggestion.
>
> "Have a good rest of your day." - this is a little clunky. Consider--Enjoy
> the rest of your day--which is smoother
>
> This afternoon, Table Four was occupied by a little girl in a tutu and an
> older woman, maybe the girl's grandmother. Were ballerinas going to be
> everywhere? - I don't get the 'ballerinas everywhere' sentence. Why is it
> there? Where did it come from?
>
> She was wearing some kind of lip gloss, which made her lips look soft and
> pink, and her arms and shoulders looked thin. - I don't understand this
> connection--her lip gloss makes her arms look thin? Consider  revising.
> Plus, to me, thin isn't an attractive word, if you are going for attractive.
> Maybe- her blouse accented her toned shoulders and arms...
>
> Olivia took more ketsup to Table Three and cleaned Table Two before she went
> back to Nicki. - ketchup
>
> In spite of how often Nicki showed up, and how weird it might be, Olivia
> still found herself thinking about and attracted to Nicki. - the end of this
> sentence is a little clunky, consider revising.Maybe something like - she
> found herself thinking warmly of Nikki's brilliant smile...
>
> Nice work, and thanks again for sharing.
>
> Chris
>
>
>
>
>
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