[stylist] {Spam?} Re: {Spam?} Re: Novel excerpt

[Alyssa Frierson]

To anyone still reading,
Chapter 4 is attached and pasted below.
Thank you.

Alyssa

Chapter Four
She watched Paige tie her shoes and put on her name tag before she
grabbed her purse. Paige could pull off anything, even khaki pants and
an ugly orange polo. She worked as a receptionist at the gym they
frequented. Paige put her purse on her shoulder so the strap covered
the embroidered gym name logo under her right collarbone. "See you
later," she said. "What time do you get off?"
"Four."
"I'm off at five. Will you start something for dinner?"
"Sure." Olivia picked up her bag and followed Paige out the door.

The salt shaker at Table Three was almost empty. She'd served two
parties of three and at least four, maybe five, couples so far today.
What were all those people using so much salt on? The fries were
already seasoned. She took it back to the kitchen, filled it, and
returned it to its spot next to the full pepper shaker. She was about
to get the check for the party of four at Table Six when she heard
someone scream excitedly from near the entrance. "Lena!"
Olivia jumped two feet in the air. She took a second to steady her
breathing and straightened her shirt before she went about her
business. Her Lena would not be here, at this diner in the city, she
told herself. It would never happen. The shadows stirred in the back
of her mind, though, and Lena's name was attached to each one. Olivia
blinked.
The host sat the two girls, probably not much younger than Olivia, at
Table Three. "Hi. My name's Olivia..." She gave them the usual speech
she gave every customer. She took their drink orders, and when she
returned, the dark-haired girl with her hair in a bun was laughing at
something her friend with the long blond braid said. She served them a
glass of tea and a cup of coffee, and wrote down their food order.
When she dropped her pen and bent to get it, she saw one of the girls
had a gold bracelet with heart charms dangling from it around her
ankle. When she stood and glanced at the girl, her dark hair had
turned into dark with red highlights, and her bun turned into a short
bob. She was smiling at her friend. Olivia shook her head as she
walked to Table Four. "Hi,"--she stopped short--"Nicki?"
"Hey, Olivia."
Olivia smiled. "What can I get you?"
"Look, I'm not stalking you or anything. I hope you don't think that.
I just had a craving for French fries, and you said it yourself, this
place has the best fries for blocks. Even better than that guy with
the stand on the corner. It's the way you season them here... And I
come to your show so much because it's really good, and I hate being
stuck in my apartment every night-“ She stopped and lowered her head.
"So you'd like an order of fries?"
She mumbled something Olivia didn't hear into her lap. A curtain of
curls covered her face.
"Sorry, what?"
She raised her head. "Yes, please." Nicki's voice came out in a
whisper as she nodded.
"Would you like anything to drink?"
"Just water, please."
"Okay. Anything else?"
"No thanks." She shook her head.

That night, Olivia stood offstage and listened to Paige, hoping the
new opening routine would go well. She'd liked the idea when Paige
came up with it, but she was nervous that it wouldn't work, or the
audience wouldn't find it as entertaining as she and Paige did.
"Thank you very much, everyone," Paige said after the applause died
down. "We're so glad to be here and that you came out tonight. Olivia
and I-“ she stopped, and Olivia peeked out and saw Paige pretending to
look for her. "Where's Olivia? Olivia," she sang her name, putting
extra emphasis on the O. "Ooooh-livia?"
"What," Olivia called from offstage.
"Come out and sing with me."
"No! Just do the first number by yourself. Maybe I'll be out later."
"The first number's a duet; I can't do that alone."
Olivia could picture Paige looking annoyed with her hand on her hip.
She heard the audience laugh.
Paige began singing "We Could Make Such Beautiful Music Together." She
stopped after the second line. Olivia peeked out and saw Paige looking
around for her again. Paige sighed and continued with the next few
lines.
Olivia walked out and harmonized with her on the last line, a
repetition of the song's title. The audience applauded, and Paige and
Olivia launched into "Something's Coming."
Paige was talking to a middle-aged woman when Olivia spotted Nicki
standing near the table after the show. They waved at each other, and
Olivia motioned for Nicki to come over.
"I'm sorry about how I acted earlier, at the diner," Nicki blurted.
"How'd you act? You just wanted French fries. I don't blame you; we
have really good fries. You're right; it's the seasoning."
"I rambled and acted like an idiot."
"It's okay."
"You're too nice. I said stuff that wasn't even relevant, that stuff
about your show." She seemed flustered.
Olivia could pretend that she didn't remember what Nicki told her
earlier, but instead she smiled and said, "I'm flattered that you like
it so much. What did you think of tonight's performance?"
"I was afraid Paige was going to do the whole thing herself there at
the beginning." Nicki clutched the strap of her colorful shoulder bag
with both hands.
"She could have carried it on her own."
"You totally killed on 'Anyway.' I love that song."
Olivia smiled. "Martina's always been my favorite."
"She's pretty great." There was a pause. "So, you're still doing
'Summertime' as an encore." Now that they were talking about something
other than what had happened that afternoon, Nicki seemed a little
more relaxed. At least her face was back to its normal color.
"Yeah, we haven't come up with an alternative yet."
"I still don't think you need one."
Olivia heard Paige say her name. When she glanced over at her, she saw
Paige was talking to two women, one wearing an "I Love NY" shirt and
the other wearing an American Ballet Theatre shirt. She swallowed and
turned her attention back to Nicki, saying, "Oh, hey, I have that cd
for you." She reached into the bag sitting by her feet and handed the
cd to Nicki. Electricity.
"Thanks."
"There's some good stuff on there. 'Stars and the Moon' and 'Your
Daddy's Son' are my two favorites. And 'Somewhere' and 'I Think It's
Going to Rain Today.' I just listed like half the cd." They both
laughed.
"I can't wait to check it out. By the way, I really liked 'The Hurt
Runs too Deep.' Did you write it?"
"Uh-huh." Olivia nodded. She felt her chest tighten and sweat pricked
under her arms. That's what you get for putting such a personal song
out there, she told herself. Someone was bound to ask eventually.
"Recently?"
"Um, no, a couple years ago after a bad break-up." She pushed some
hair behind her ear. Why had she volunteered the part about the
break-up? Why had she called it that at all? It wasn't-- not really.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Did you love him?"
What was Olivia supposed to say? She didn't want to lie to her. She
liked Nicki, and she didn't want to drive her away by telling her the
truth. But she thought there was an attraction, she knew that Nicki
felt it, too, and Nicki wasn't coming to see Paige. "Um," Olivia
hesitated. She felt her cheeks warm. She jostled the table a little
and nearly upset a stack of photos as she put her hands down to brace
herself.
"God, what am I saying? I heard the song. Of course you loved him.
Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry."
Olivia just looked at her, unsure of what to say.
"Well, I should go. Thanks for the cd."
"You're welcome."
"I hope this doesn't make you think I'm a total weirdo, if you don't
already think that, but if you ever want to talk or anything,?--she
handed Olivia a folded up piece of paper--"call me."
She walked away before Olivia could react. Olivia watched her leave,
admiring the way Nicki looked in her pale green sundress with the
butterflies embroidered on the skirt, her hair cascading down her back
in a waterfall of bouncy curls. She had to force herself to look away.
There were other people waiting to talk to her and Paige, so Olivia
slid the paper into a pocket in her purse and turned to a blond-haired
man. "Hello, sir."


On 9/1/16, Alyssa Frierson <alyssafrierson at gmail.com> wrote:
> Hi Chris,
> Thank you as always for your comments. I did wonder if I should
> include the entire list of showtunes they perform. I appreciate your
> feedback.
>
> Alyssa
>
> On 8/19/16, Chris Kuell  via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>>
>> Hey Alyssa,
>>
>> This chapter reads well, and you do a nice job of building the attraction
>> between Olivia and Nicki. I have written in a few nit picky comments for
>> you
>> to consider below. You might also want to abbreviate the list of show
>> tunes
>> when they are performing and just list a couple so the reader gets the
>> idea.
>> Again, just a suggestion.
>>
>> "Have a good rest of your day." - this is a little clunky.
>> Consider--Enjoy
>> the rest of your day--which is smoother
>>
>> This afternoon, Table Four was occupied by a little girl in a tutu and an
>> older woman, maybe the girl's grandmother. Were ballerinas going to be
>> everywhere? - I don't get the 'ballerinas everywhere' sentence. Why is it
>> there? Where did it come from?
>>
>> She was wearing some kind of lip gloss, which made her lips look soft and
>> pink, and her arms and shoulders looked thin. - I don't understand this
>> connection--her lip gloss makes her arms look thin? Consider  revising.
>> Plus, to me, thin isn't an attractive word, if you are going for
>> attractive.
>> Maybe- her blouse accented her toned shoulders and arms...
>>
>> Olivia took more ketsup to Table Three and cleaned Table Two before she
>> went
>> back to Nicki. - ketchup
>>
>> In spite of how often Nicki showed up, and how weird it might be, Olivia
>> still found herself thinking about and attracted to Nicki. - the end of
>> this
>> sentence is a little clunky, consider revising.Maybe something like - she
>> found herself thinking warmly of Nikki's brilliant smile...
>>
>> Nice work, and thanks again for sharing.
>>
>> Chris
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
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