[stylist] Fw: Short Story, "I Know You Will Always Run Back to Me"

[Robert Gardner]

Hi Vejas

A good story. I, however like Chris below, found the omniscient point of 
view something that really caught me offstride at the beginning. Also as I 
thought later about the story, I kept feeling the omniscient narrator was 
almost the main character. He is the one doing the vast majority of talking 
to us, and the story -- in my mind -- almost becomes his story. However, I 
thought the ending was great. Absolutely great.

Another thought I had, and I say this with a grin on my face, I kept waiting 
to find out Tom had left the young woman for Brad. Well, that would 
certainly have been another twist, and maybe something to even add a little 
meat to the bone.

Good job,
Robert


-----Original Message----- 
From: Chris Kuell via stylist
Sent: Friday, December 08, 2017 9:19 AM
To: 'Writers' Division Mailing List'
Cc: Chris Kuell
Subject: Re: [stylist] Short Story, "I Know You Will Always Run Back to Me"

Vejas,

I think you did a great job with this story. The omniscient POV is a little
off-putting initially, as that style isn't used too much these days. But it
is perfectly acceptable, and once the reader adjusts to it, the story reads
well. You have a couple of clunky sentences, which I'll point out below. And
as Elmore Leonard once warned--easy on the exclamation points! Other than
that, nice job. And like Lynda, I didn't see the ending coming, and I always
like when that happens.

Because he is considerably older than she, he never talks about his, but he
wishes he could, if only that he had someone for whom to confide in about
how low he is feeling, what a mess his marriage is in, and his wife's
possible cancer diagnosis.   - this sentence is a bit of a run-on, and
should probably be cut in two. The cancer part seems a little too 'over the
top' to me, plus, considering who his wife is, shouldn't the girl already
know that? I might substitute a simpler problem, hemmorroids or something.

Despite their togetherness, they lived very separate lives, and still had in
their own houses. - this sentence is clunky, and your meaning isn't clear.
Can you just put a period after 'lives' and delete the rest?

He told me on Monday I need to get a diet, and on Tuesday offered to get me
ice cream.   - go on a diet, perhaps

"Can I stay at yours tonight?" she asks him.   - yours is a little awkward
here, and you don't need 'him' at the end. Consider -- "Can I stay over
tonight?" she asks.

He says (and at this point she is grinning from ear to ear), "he says I can
have the flowers!"- every editor is different, but I don't care for side
remarks within parentheses. To me, it's author intrusion, and usually can be
removed by simply rewriting. For example -- Her smile grew wide and
brilliant. "He says I can have the flowers!"

Again, I really like the last line. Good job.

Chris



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