[stylist] Fw: Short Story, "I Know You Will Always Run Back to Me"

[Vejas Vasiliauskas]

Thanks so much guys for your comments.
Chris, I have been writing about the family pretty extensively but the  characters are a younger age, so  I set this in the future. His wife is her stepmother, but I agree she already  know, and that the hemorhoid would be a better idea.
I had never heard of the "easy on the exclamation marks" expression before, but I know what you mean. I was trying to have the woman use them a lot in her story, to express emotion, but I did overdo it.
And that's a good point about the omnipotent point of view. Yeah essentially it is his story.
Robert, I like your idea of Tom leaving her for Brad. I as thinking more along the lines of that he was buying them for another woman, but that sounds interesting. 
Vejas

> On Dec 8, 2017, at 10:09, Robert Gardner via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> 
> Hi Vejas
> 
> A good story. I, however like Chris below, found the omniscient point of view something that really caught me offstride at the beginning. Also as I thought later about the story, I kept feeling the omniscient narrator was almost the main character. He is the one doing the vast majority of talking to us, and the story -- in my mind -- almost becomes his story. However, I thought the ending was great. Absolutely great.
> 
> Another thought I had, and I say this with a grin on my face, I kept waiting to find out Tom had left the young woman for Brad. Well, that would certainly have been another twist, and maybe something to even add a little meat to the bone.
> 
> Good job,
> Robert
> 
> 
> -----Original Message----- From: Chris Kuell via stylist
> Sent: Friday, December 08, 2017 9:19 AM
> To: 'Writers' Division Mailing List'
> Cc: Chris Kuell
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Short Story, "I Know You Will Always Run Back to Me"
> 
> Vejas,
> 
> I think you did a great job with this story. The omniscient POV is a little
> off-putting initially, as that style isn't used too much these days. But it
> is perfectly acceptable, and once the reader adjusts to it, the story reads
> well. You have a couple of clunky sentences, which I'll point out below. And
> as Elmore Leonard once warned--easy on the exclamation points! Other than
> that, nice job. And like Lynda, I didn't see the ending coming, and I always
> like when that happens.
> 
> Because he is considerably older than she, he never talks about his, but he
> wishes he could, if only that he had someone for whom to confide in about
> how low he is feeling, what a mess his marriage is in, and his wife's
> possible cancer diagnosis.   - this sentence is a bit of a run-on, and
> should probably be cut in two. The cancer part seems a little too 'over the
> top' to me, plus, considering who his wife is, shouldn't the girl already
> know that? I might substitute a simpler problem, hemmorroids or something.
> 
> Despite their togetherness, they lived very separate lives, and still had in
> their own houses. - this sentence is clunky, and your meaning isn't clear.
> Can you just put a period after 'lives' and delete the rest?
> 
> He told me on Monday I need to get a diet, and on Tuesday offered to get me
> ice cream.   - go on a diet, perhaps
> 
> "Can I stay at yours tonight?" she asks him.   - yours is a little awkward
> here, and you don't need 'him' at the end. Consider -- "Can I stay over
> tonight?" she asks.
> 
> He says (and at this point she is grinning from ear to ear), "he says I can
> have the flowers!"- every editor is different, but I don't care for side
> remarks within parentheses. To me, it's author intrusion, and usually can be
> removed by simply rewriting. For example -- Her smile grew wide and
> brilliant. "He says I can have the flowers!"
> 
> Again, I really like the last line. Good job.
> 
> Chris
> 
> 
> 
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