[stylist] Flash fiction-- looking for feedback

[Alyssa Frierson]

Thank you all for your comments. I did kind of wonder if this was
truly considered flash fiction; thank you for clarifying and naming it
for what it is. I'll pull it back out for revision and perhaps expand
it into a longer piece.
Thank you again.

Alyssa

On 6/29/17, Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> Alyssa,
>
> This is just a scene. Flash fiction, while not exceeding 1000 words, has a
> conclusion with beginning and middle. It also has character development, and
> we know little about this character other than they are lesbian, vegetarian
> and hiding both from their family. What is the impetus of this story? What
> is the arc? There's currently no arc.
>
> Also, I would cut the opening paragraph and jump right into I'm sitting at
> the dinner table. It's more immediate, and we get that the character is
> vegetarian and lesbian by what they do. No need for redundancy in the
> narration.
>
> As is, I'm not interested in this character, but we know little about them.
> Currently, not enough to make us invest.
>
> Bridgit
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Alyssa
> Frierson via stylist
> Sent: Wednesday, June 28, 2017 6:38 PM
> To: stylist at nfbnet.org
> Cc: Alyssa Frierson <alyssafrierson at gmail.com>
> Subject: [stylist] Flash fiction-- looking for feedback
>
> Hello,
>
> I've recently written my first piece of flash fiction, tentatively titled
> "Lying Lady Lover." It might be part of a series; I'm not sure yet. I've
> pasted it below. I was wondering if I could get some feedback. Does it hold
> your interest? Would you read more stories with this character?
> Thank you.
>
> You should know that I am a girl who likes girls. You should also know I
> have not told my family about this part of myself. I want to become a
> vegetarian, but I’m not sure why. It feels like the right thing to do to
> help save the planet. My family doesn’t really know this either, though I
> think they suspect.
> I’m sitting at the dinner table, cutting into my sausage and pretending it’s
> a zucchini. My sister, Amelia, is sitting across from me, yammering on about
> some boy at school, letting her food get cold.
> As I mash my fork into my potatoes, I think about the pretty girl I saw on
> the bus earlier today. She got off two stops before me, near the hospital. I
> tried not to stare as she walked past, tried not to notice how she smelled
> of coffee or how her hair fell in thick dark ringlets down her back.
> I’d also tried not to notice, as she walked away, her tight jeans and even
> tighter t-shirt, purple with some writing scribbled across the front. She’d
> sat across the aisle and down a little to the left of me, and I’d been able
> to tell a few things about her when I stole quick glances. She looked in her
> early twenties, about my age,. She wore no makeup or jewelry, except a
> silver bracelet on her right wrist. Her purse was on her lap, and— “Maggie?”
> Amelia breaks into my thoughts.
> “What?”
> She puts emphasis on every word, sounding annoyed. “Pass the potatoes.”
> I do, glancing at her half-empty plate before I chase a pea around my plate
> with my fork.
> She’s saying something else now as she mashes her potatoes, but I’m not
> listening. I’m still thinking about the girl on the bus and wondering where
> she went when she got off, what her name is, if I’ll see her again.
>
>
> --
> Alyssa Frierson
> Blogging at:
> http://diabetesdiary.dreamwidth.org/
>
> Follow me on Facebook:
> https://facebook.com/AlyssaFriersonAuthor/
>
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