[Stylist] it's elementary

Mon Apr 1 21:16:11 UTC 2019

Chris, you're a dork, but you would have had so much fun with my train I tried to lead my husband on the other day but he wouldn't go along. I was telling him that since there is so much negativity about maybe we should get rid of electrons. I also told him I thought electrons should demand they because something different since "electron" has gotten such a negative connotation.   Barbara Hammel

> On Apr 1, 2019, at 15:52, Chris Kuell via Stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> 
> Thanks to Barbara for providing me with the spark for this afternoon's
> writing exercise.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's Elementary            
> 
> 
> 
> You want to know what my favorite element is? That answer is a little more
> complex in my case than for the general population.
> 
> 
> 
> My initial response is Hydrogen, atomic symbol H, atomic number 1, the first
> and simplest element in the periodic table. Neils Bohr's theory of the atom
> was based on hydrogen, and it worked, at least for hydrogen, and provided
> the building blocks for the modern theory of atomic structure. Although
> hydrogen is small, it is probably the most numerous atom on planet earth.
> Just think of water, which is plentiful on our planet. Each molecule of
> water has two hydrogens to each oxygen. Most carbon atoms on our planet have
> 2 or 3 hydrogen atoms attached-and every organic thing on planet earth has a
> carbon based skeleton.
> 
> 
> 
> So perhaps Carbon, atomic symbol C, atomic mass of 12, should be my favorite
> element. A human body is primarily composed of water, but the rest, the
> amino acids and cells and peptides and blood and so on, are all carbon based
> molecules. The clothes you wear, the computer or phone you are reading this
> on, the taco or chicken wing or veggie stir fry you had for lunch-all based
> on carbon skeletons. If we could somehow eliminate all the carbon on earth
> in the snap of a finger, there would be nothing left but a lifeless ball of
> rock. Not only would all life disappear, but so would the oil, the diamonds,
> the compost. The molten magma at earth's center would boil off the water,
> and I imagine earth would evolve into a big meteorite, nothing more.
> 
> 
> 
> I do have a strong fondness for potassium, atomic symbol K, atomic number
> 19. Pure potassium is one of the most reactive elements known to man. It is
> dangerously reactive. If you put a piece of potassium metal the size of a
> grain of rice in a bucket of water, it will react so vigorously that it
> turns the water into oxygen and hydrogen gas and immediately bursts into
> flames. Yes, potassium can burn water! That's some cool shit. On the
> opposite end of the spectrum is Argon, atomic symbol A r, atomic number     
> 
> 18, so close to potassium, yet it's exact opposite. One of the noble gases,
> Argon won't react with anything. It's a heavy gas that just lies there,
> doing nothing, ever. A chill element, that argon.
> 
> 
> 
> I might also choose Cesium. A strange choice, I know, but when I think of
> cesium, I go back in time to the fall of 1982. I was taking Inorganic
> chemistry then, taught by Dr. Irving Lipchitz (I kid you not), a smart guy
> who probably disappointed his parents by teaching at a lowly state school
> after receiving his PhD, and who had the misfortune of actually being
> terrified of chemicals. Hence, he refused to step foot into any of our
> laboratory classes, giving all the power to his teaching assistants while he
> was safely hidden away in his cement office. But I digress.
> 
> 
> 
> That year, as in the year before, and the year before that, Professor
> Lipchitz required his students to memorize the periodic table of the
> elements. This task was difficult, as there are a lot of elements, and we
> not only had to memorize the names, but also the atomic numbers, masses,
> number of electrons and reactivity. This was a total waste of time, since
> anyone who wanted to could find a periodic table in any chemistry or physics
> book, we all had a copy in our notes, and there was a huge chart of the
> elements on every chemistry classroom wall. But old, disappointing Irv
> thought this was a useful exercise that when completed, would get him
> another month closer to retirement.
> 
> 
> 
> Now, it just so happens that in that year, in that class, there was a new
> transfer student. A smart, buxomy blonde that I was taking a shine to. On
> the day of the big test, when old disappointing Irv would give us all a
> blank periodic table and expect us to flawlessly fill in the 106 empty
> boxes, we were waiting outside the classroom, everyone doing a little last
> minute cramming. I walked up to the new girl and said coolly, "Cesium." She
> glanced up, smiled, and said, "C e, atomic number 55." She was absolutely
> correct. After the test I asked her to join me for a celebratory beer, which
> led to a few dates, and eight years later we would marry.
> 
> 
> 
> Which brings me to Molybdenum, atomic symbol M o, atomic number 42. In
> itself, the old molly b denim isn't a particularly interesting element, but
> I do have two reasons to bring it to mind. The first is that in my 7 years
> of work as a research chemist, I only made one major contribution, one that
> got me my one and only patent, and saved the company I worked for millions
> of dollars. What I did, in short, was develop a molybdenum catalyst for use
> in an important nitrogen oxygenation reaction. Sounds dull, and perhaps it
> is. But it improved the reaction to a 96% yield, which is astronomically
> good, and as previously stated, got me a patent and saved my employers mucho
> denairo.
> 
> 
> 
> My second memory of Molybdenum derives from my weird sense of humor. Back in
> 1995, when that pretty blonde chemist was pregnant with our second child, a
> girl, I suggested the name Molybdenum. The pretty lady, as you might expect,
> shot me a 'what have you been smoking' look, so I explained. Molybdenum is a
> perfect name, because we'd call her Molly, right? And then her name would be
> Molly Kuell, which when said quickly, sounds like Molecule. Get it?
> Molecule?
> 
> 
> 
> She stared blankly at me and said, "Don't be ridiculous. Get it?
> Re-dic-kuell-ous?"
> 
> 
> 
> Our daughter Grace was born on December 31, 1995, with the middle name
> Alexandra instead of the much funnier middle name of 'tax deduction', also
> shamelessly nixed by my lovely wife. Some people have no sense of humor.
> 
> 
> 
> Which brings me to my final answer-my favorite element is Kuellinium, atomic
> symbol K u, atomic number 169. Like me, it is yet to be discovered, and
> exists today only as a dream. When it finally is created, it will disappear
> in a millionth of the time it takes for an eye to blink. Just like my life,
> a miniscule part of the history of our planet.
> 
> 
> 
> Chris Kuell
> 
> 
> 
> And remember-chemists do it periodically.
> 
> 
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