[Stylist] it's elementary

Tue Apr 2 00:57:25 UTC 2019

Good stuff, Chris, thanks.

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From: Stylist <stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org> On Behalf Of Chris Kuell via
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Sent: Monday, April 1, 2019 4:52 PM
To: 'Writers' Division Mailing List' <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Chris Kuell <ckuell at comcast.net>
Subject: [Stylist] it's elementary

Thanks to Barbara for providing me with the spark for this afternoon's
writing exercise.

It's Elementary            

You want to know what my favorite element is? That answer is a little more
complex in my case than for the general population.

My initial response is Hydrogen, atomic symbol H, atomic number 1, the first
and simplest element in the periodic table. Neils Bohr's theory of the atom
was based on hydrogen, and it worked, at least for hydrogen, and provided
the building blocks for the modern theory of atomic structure. Although
hydrogen is small, it is probably the most numerous atom on planet earth.
Just think of water, which is plentiful on our planet. Each molecule of
water has two hydrogens to each oxygen. Most carbon atoms on our planet have
2 or 3 hydrogen atoms attached-and every organic thing on planet earth has a
carbon based skeleton.

So perhaps Carbon, atomic symbol C, atomic mass of 12, should be my favorite
element. A human body is primarily composed of water, but the rest, the
amino acids and cells and peptides and blood and so on, are all carbon based
molecules. The clothes you wear, the computer or phone you are reading this
on, the taco or chicken wing or veggie stir fry you had for lunch-all based
on carbon skeletons. If we could somehow eliminate all the carbon on earth
in the snap of a finger, there would be nothing left but a lifeless ball of
rock. Not only would all life disappear, but so would the oil, the diamonds,
the compost. The molten magma at earth's center would boil off the water,
and I imagine earth would evolve into a big meteorite, nothing more.

I do have a strong fondness for potassium, atomic symbol K, atomic number
19. Pure potassium is one of the most reactive elements known to man. It is
dangerously reactive. If you put a piece of potassium metal the size of a
grain of rice in a bucket of water, it will react so vigorously that it
turns the water into oxygen and hydrogen gas and immediately bursts into
flames. Yes, potassium can burn water! That's some cool shit. On the
opposite end of the spectrum is Argon, atomic symbol A r, atomic number     

18, so close to potassium, yet it's exact opposite. One of the noble gases,
Argon won't react with anything. It's a heavy gas that just lies there,
doing nothing, ever. A chill element, that argon.

I might also choose Cesium. A strange choice, I know, but when I think of
cesium, I go back in time to the fall of 1982. I was taking Inorganic
chemistry then, taught by Dr. Irving Lipchitz (I kid you not), a smart guy
who probably disappointed his parents by teaching at a lowly state school
after receiving his PhD, and who had the misfortune of actually being
terrified of chemicals. Hence, he refused to step foot into any of our
laboratory classes, giving all the power to his teaching assistants while he
was safely hidden away in his cement office. But I digress.

That year, as in the year before, and the year before that, Professor
Lipchitz required his students to memorize the periodic table of the
elements. This task was difficult, as there are a lot of elements, and we
not only had to memorize the names, but also the atomic numbers, masses,
number of electrons and reactivity. This was a total waste of time, since
anyone who wanted to could find a periodic table in any chemistry or physics
book, we all had a copy in our notes, and there was a huge chart of the
elements on every chemistry classroom wall. But old, disappointing Irv
thought this was a useful exercise that when completed, would get him
another month closer to retirement.

Now, it just so happens that in that year, in that class, there was a new
transfer student. A smart, buxomy blonde that I was taking a shine to. On
the day of the big test, when old disappointing Irv would give us all a
blank periodic table and expect us to flawlessly fill in the 106 empty
boxes, we were waiting outside the classroom, everyone doing a little last
minute cramming. I walked up to the new girl and said coolly, "Cesium." She
glanced up, smiled, and said, "C e, atomic number 55." She was absolutely
correct. After the test I asked her to join me for a celebratory beer, which
led to a few dates, and eight years later we would marry.

Which brings me to Molybdenum, atomic symbol M o, atomic number 42. In
itself, the old molly b denim isn't a particularly interesting element, but
I do have two reasons to bring it to mind. The first is that in my 7 years
of work as a research chemist, I only made one major contribution, one that
got me my one and only patent, and saved the company I worked for millions
of dollars. What I did, in short, was develop a molybdenum catalyst for use
in an important nitrogen oxygenation reaction. Sounds dull, and perhaps it
is. But it improved the reaction to a 96% yield, which is astronomically
good, and as previously stated, got me a patent and saved my employers mucho
denairo.

My second memory of Molybdenum derives from my weird sense of humor. Back in
1995, when that pretty blonde chemist was pregnant with our second child, a
girl, I suggested the name Molybdenum. The pretty lady, as you might expect,
shot me a 'what have you been smoking' look, so I explained. Molybdenum is a
perfect name, because we'd call her Molly, right? And then her name would be
Molly Kuell, which when said quickly, sounds like Molecule. Get it?
Molecule?

She stared blankly at me and said, "Don't be ridiculous. Get it?
Re-dic-kuell-ous?"

Our daughter Grace was born on December 31, 1995, with the middle name
Alexandra instead of the much funnier middle name of 'tax deduction', also
shamelessly nixed by my lovely wife. Some people have no sense of humor.

Which brings me to my final answer-my favorite element is Kuellinium, atomic
symbol K u, atomic number 169. Like me, it is yet to be discovered, and
exists today only as a dream. When it finally is created, it will disappear
in a millionth of the time it takes for an eye to blink. Just like my life,
a miniscule part of the history of our planet.

Chris Kuell

And remember-chemists do it periodically.

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