[Stylist] Third Time Around: Story Feedback

[Barbara HAMMEL]

First off, this is coming along very nicely. One glaring error I see in this new version is it should say "try to" not "try and". Think of Yoda, from Star Wars fame saying "Do or do not. There is not try." You can try and do at the same time but you can try to do something.  
I liked where you had the reference to computer in before, when Neil had to take control of the Eagle. If you want to talk about the food, maybe you could include that when you say it was a few hours before they got out and walked on the moon so the kids might have some idea what the astronauts were doing that took so long for them to get out. Did they have to eat and suit up or just what were they doing? Were they sleeping, even. Because there is a gap of days, you could insert a piece after lift-off about why it would take them so long to get to the moon and back. LOL! For drinks at snack that day, you could have Tang to drink. 
Barbara Hammel

> On Jan 23, 2019, at 13:20, Tina Hansen via Stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> 
> Here's my third go-around. Someone suggested that I include some sensory
> descriptions and a few things around the launch. I'm still working on quotes
> from the astronauts, but I think it's starting to improve.
> 
> 
> 
> Have you ever been challenged? How did you respond? Did you run and hide? Or
> did you find a way to accomplish it?
> 
> 
> 
> In 1961 the United States expected that they would be the first to do any
> great thing. But Russia was the first to send a man into space. This worried
> the leaders of the United States. How could they still be the best if Russia
> did it first?
> 
> 
> 
> In May of 1961, President John Kennedy had an idea. He issued a challenge:
> "I believe that this nation should commit itself to landing a man on the
> moon and returning him safely before this decade is out."
> 
> 
> 
> Our country jumped to the challenge.
> 
> 
> 
> If you have ever had a really big job to do, you know that you can't do it
> all at once. You have to do it a little bit at at time. Going to the moon
> was a really big job. We took some small steps to get ready to go to the
> moon. With the Mercury program we learned how to get men into space, and to
> orbit the Earth. With the Gemini program we learned how to take two
> spacecraft in orbit, have them meet and join together. 
> 
> 
> 
> Finally, we had learned enough. On July 16, 1969, we decided to try and go
> for the prize.
> 
> 
> 
> Let's imagine that we're at Cape Kenedy in Florida. The giant Saturn V
> rocket is ready for launch. Atop this huge rocket is a spacecraft containing
> the first 3 astronauts about to try and make it to the moon.
> 
> 
> 
> We feel the Florida wind in the air. We feel the sun at our backs. But we
> also feel the excitement of the crowd.
> 
> 
> 
> Like kids waiting for the end of school, we can't wait to see what's about
> to happen. We wonder: What are these 3 explorers going to do? Can they make
> it to the moon and back safely??
> 
> 
> 
> Then it happens.
> 
> 
> 
> We feel a vibration under our feet, then we begin to hear what sounds like
> thunder. Is it an earthquake? No, it's the Saturn V rocket lifting Apollo 11
> off the ground and up, up and up, into space.
> 
> 
> 
> Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins are on their way to the
> moon. They call their command ship Columbia, and the Lunar landing craft
> Eagle.
> 
> 
> 
> On Sunday July 20th, 1969, Columbia and Eagle separated and Neil Armstrong
> and Buzz Aldrin left to land on the moon. Mike Collins stayed in the
> Columbia orbiting the moon.
> 
> 
> 
> After all their work, and while Neil and Buzz were descending to the moon's
> surface, they found that their computer was taking them to a place where
> they did not want to go. Neil took over flying the Eagle.
> 
> 
> 
> Mission Control in Houston warned them that they were getting very low on
> fuel. They had to land before they ran out.
> 
> 
> 
> Just before they ran out of fuel, Neil landed the Eagle. Then he said
> "Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed." Everyone was very happy, but
> this was only the beginning!
> 
> 
> 
> Several hours later, the astronauts got ready to explore the moon's surface.
> Neil Armstrong did something amazing. He made the first step, and said,
> "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
> 
> 
> 
> Within a half hour, Buzz followed. Now both astronauts were on the moon.
> They described what they saw.
> 
> 
> 
> Their exploration lasted for 2 and a half hours, but then it was time to get
> back in the landing craft.
> 
> 
> 
> The next day, Eagle rejoined Columbia. Three days later, the explorers
> returned home, and the first mission to the moon came to a successful end.
> 
> 
> 
> The mission to the moon was unchartered territory. No one had ever even
> tried it. If things went wrong, the astronauts could die. They knew this,
> and although they were probably scared--very scared--they were courageous
> and brave. They faced their fears and did something incredible.
> 
> Each of you will have times in your life where you are afraid to try
> something new, to travel to somewhere you have never been before, to do a
> job you aren't certain you can do. But just like the astronauts of Apollo
> 11, you can be brave, face your fears, and conquer whatever obstacles you
> face.
> 
> 
> 
> Chris, thanks for your suggested ending. I felt it needed that in order to
> have something for our audience to take away. I may revise that a bit and
> make it our own.
> 
> 
> 
> However, I do have a few questions. If we include the bit about distance to
> the moon, where might we place that?
> 
> 
> 
> Also, I thought about including a factoid about the computer they worked
> with on their spacecraft and how it compare to our smart phones. I'll either
> use a media player or an iPhone to play the recording. Where might I include
> that? 
> 
> 
> 
> Is this possibly stuff for the question and answer session at the end? Also,
> what about their food?
> 
> 
> 
> That's where we stand. Thanks.
> 
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