[Stylist] First Poem

[Shawn Jacobson]

Fascinating poem; thanks.

Shawn Jacobson
sdj60259 at aol.com


-----Original Message-----
From: Richard R. Thomas via Stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org>
To: stylist at nfbnet.org <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Richard R. Thomas <richardrthomas48 at gmail.com>
Sent: Wed, Jun 1, 2022 8:10 am
Subject: [Stylist] First Poem

<!--#yiv2543386471 _filtered {} _filtered {}#yiv2543386471 #yiv2543386471 p.yiv2543386471MsoNormal, #yiv2543386471 li.yiv2543386471MsoNormal, #yiv2543386471 div.yiv2543386471MsoNormal {margin:0in;font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Calibri", sans-serif;}#yiv2543386471 a:link, #yiv2543386471 span.yiv2543386471MsoHyperlink {color:blue;text-decoration:underline;}#yiv2543386471 .yiv2543386471MsoChpDefault {} _filtered {}#yiv2543386471 div.yiv2543386471WordSection1 {}-->Hi Again and thanks for all the actionable help:Almost there, I promise!I de coupled the concrete subject of the third line of the heiku to be more a metaphoric image.The black widow gets her name by often killing and eating the male after sex.I re entered the word gender, nothing else flows as well tonally and with the heiku there is less a chance of a misreading.I also add the word unreachable to add a feeling of the hopelessness of any efforts to the line.I addcolons to the first line of each chorus  to enhance anticipation of the dependent following line.This is important in the last chorus.Finally i changed the last chorus to be less obtuse - I think.Does it sound better and, or, is it more clear ?I actually want the reader to be driven enough by the poem to do a quick google search on the Latin phrase.If they do they will feel just a little satisfied when their successful effort answers the unknown questions in their minds.This feeling is what I want associated with the sudden and hard turnaround of the last chorus and my work in general.If they dont they will likely feel something is missing - like the blind mans family in the poem?The actual sin is not one of action against the disabled, it is inaction and unconscious rejection of efforts outside habitual, normalistic daily activities and associations prevalent in the “Wasteland” of modern society.Like the proverbial  frog in the warming water, most people will never recognize their situation until they are well done.The word “Wasteland” is from the Eliot ork describing the isolation and shallowness of modern society as well as its association with the break from the redemption of classical religion.Many of his images and metaphors apply color and meaning to the work in general and especially the turn-around in the last chorus.  Here is a short YouTube summary of “The Wasteland” by Elliot:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSI5AejsFbU  I want readers who are willing to make a difference in this world through action, not just words:The others be damned to be watching reruns of Gilligans Island for eternity - smile.  Cherished family lovea husband faces blindnessA black widows meal  ...  Words from the wasteland, burned deep into my soul.Spectors, formless spectors, just spectors, nothing whole.The headless woman cried, sightless eyes behold:The nighttime shadows rise, and warn of fate untold.  The spectors punish and taunt, of unreachable genderedrolls.Guilty,they found me guilty, and cast as man unhole.the headless woman cried, sightless eyes behold:The nighttime shadows sighed, to find her heart so cold.  This midnight journeys tale, this tongue of fires hard told.Damned demons view their end, despite grim furies hold.The headless woman cried, sightless eyes forsee:"non timebo mala", he plucks us from rough seas.  EndOfFile:Richard R. Thomas (Rick USA)Sent from Mail for Windows   _______________________________________________
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