[Stylist] My First Poem

Sat Jun 4 16:35:06 UTC 2022

I like that you left illume in it. Both E. B. White and Lemony Snicket, although they are most undoubtedly referring to children since they were their target audience, say that you should write up to your readers. Just because illume is not an everyday word does not mean its unheard-of. At least no one can accuse you of dead metaphors and too cliché when you pull out such words. (smile)

Barbara Hammel
We are all but characters in the books of God’s library. — Chris Colfer

On May 31, 2022, at 21:31, Richard R. Thomas via Stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:

Hi Ann and Chris:
Dont worry about comments about my work, You live pretty far away – smile.
Here is a revised version after having thinking about what Chris wrote yesterday.
Also, as you both noted, the word illume is the only ending that is not a line end rhyme to the sound of old.
That is intentional.
The above lines are all dark and lead to a inescapable fate.
That 1 word turns the whole preponderance of a dark tortured future into one of salvation and a bright after life.
The Latin phrase means I shall fear no evil and the next phrase is why that phrase makes sense, getting lifted up out of this misery by Christ.
I wanted a more streetwise word, a more common word, but I couldn’t find one so have left it as illume, pulled the ed off it since I want it to say see instead of saw as it were.
Also, the gender word was replaced with a more direct phrase as Chris noted and I think he was right.
I made a couple of other minor changes to help it flow better, perhaps.
Here is version 2, now, fire away please.
I added this heiku backstory preface to focus the main poems content toward the true story of a failed marriage.:

Cherished family love
a husband faces blindness
a fatherless child

...

Words from the wasteland, burned deep into my soul.
Spectors, formless spectors, just spectors, nothing whole.
The headless woman cried, sightless eyes behold.
The nighttime shadows rise, and warn of fate untold.

The spectors punish and taunt, with unreachable marital rolls.
Guilty,they found me guilty, and cast as man unhole.
the headless woman cried, sightless eyes behold.
The nighttime shadows sighed, to find her heart so cold.

This midnight journeys tale, this tongue of fires hard told.
These terrors will find their end, final end, despite grim furies hold.
The headless woman cried, sightless eyes illume.
"non timebo mala", he plucks us from all doom.
End Of File:
Richard R. Thomas (Rick USA)
Sent from Mail<https://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/?LinkId=550986> for Windows

From: Ann Chiappetta via Stylist<mailto:stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Tuesday, May 31, 2022 6:49 PM
To: Writers' Division Mailing List<mailto:stylist at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Ann Chiappetta<mailto:anniecms64 at gmail.com>
Subject: Re: [Stylist] My First Poem

Hi there-
After reading your intro, two points to ponder in this great piece: “Illumed” might get kind of stuck on the tongue when spoken or sung.  I would suggest another synonym more identifiable. I know it goes with the taste of the piece but it isn’t  a word most folks will know. Each word counts.
The Latin is a nice touch and it could be expanded to be repeated in English as a final line thus wrapping up the piece. Or it could be the title, “Fear no evil” or “To feel no evil” 😉
Take or leave my suggestions, this is your work and I am merely a peon of critique.
Best,
Annie

[Verse1]
Words from the waste-land, burned deep into my soul.
Spectors,  formless spectors, just spectors, nothing whole

[chorus1]
the Headless Woman Cri-ed, Sightless Eyes beHold.
the Nighttime Shadows Rise,  to Warn of Fate unTold.

[Verse2]
The spectors punish and taunt, cursing gendered rolls.
guilty,they found me guilty,    and cast  as man unwhole

[Chorus2]
the Headless Woman Cri-ed, SightlessEyes beHold.
the Nighttime Shadows Sighed, to Find a Heart so Cold.

[Verse3]
this midnight journeys tale, this tongue of fire's    told.
nears its destined end, despite grim furies hold.

[Chorus3]
the Headless Woman Cri-ed, Sightless Eyes illumed.
"non timebo mala", Years Pluck us From our Doom.
EndOfPoem:
Richard R. Thomas (Rick USA)
Sent from Mail<https://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/?LinkId=550986> for Windows

Ann M. Chiappetta, M.S.
Making Meaningful ConnectionsThrough Media
914.393.6605 USA
Anniecms64 at gmail.com<mailto:Anniecms64 at gmail.com>
All things Annie: www.annchiappetta.com<http://www.annchiappetta.com>

From: Stylist <stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org> On Behalf Of Richard R. Thomas via Stylist
Sent: Tuesday, May 31, 2022 7:32 AM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Cc: Richard R. Thomas <richardrthomas48 at gmail.com>
Subject: [Stylist] My First Poem

Watch out, the poem may wrap in the e-mail client.
so far the below verse is free-form while the chorus is mostely iambic.
These are actually lyrics to a song with slight modifications.
The content is indicative of an event that hurt so bad that those involved will never be free of the pain.
The end indicates that despite our tortured souls we dont have to fear, our end is coming soon andwith it the promise of forgiveness and relief.
A redemption story?