[Stylist] My First Poem

Sat Jun 4 16:19:40 UTC 2022

I would agree with Annie. For my two cents, when putting foreign language in a work, the author should either translate it or work in the translation so the reader isn't left scratching his head.
Also, I believe in the second verse "journey" needs an apostrophe because you're speaking of more than one journey. And, I wonder did you want the possessive form fury instead of the plural. You also don't need to divide "cried" because it's a one-syllable word.

Barbara Hammel
We are all but characters in the books of God’s library. — Chris Colfer

On May 31, 2022, at 17:49, Ann Chiappetta via Stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:

Hi there-
After reading your intro, two points to ponder in this great piece: “Illumed” might get kind of stuck on the tongue when spoken or sung.  I would suggest another synonym more identifiable. I know it goes with the taste of the piece but it isn’t  a word most folks will know. Each word counts.
The Latin is a nice touch and it could be expanded to be repeated in English as a final line thus wrapping up the piece. Or it could be the title, “Fear no evil” or “To feel no evil” 😉
Take or leave my suggestions, this is your work and I am merely a peon of critique.
Best,
Annie

[Verse1]
Words from the waste-land, burned deep into my soul.
Spectors,  formless spectors, just spectors, nothing whole

[chorus1]
the Headless Woman Cri-ed, Sightless Eyes beHold.
the Nighttime Shadows Rise,  to Warn of Fate unTold.

[Verse2]
The spectors punish and taunt, cursing gendered rolls.
guilty,they found me guilty,    and cast  as man unwhole

[Chorus2]
the Headless Woman Cri-ed, SightlessEyes beHold.
the Nighttime Shadows Sighed, to Find a Heart so Cold.

[Verse3]
this midnight journeys tale, this tongue of fire's    told.
nears its destined end, despite grim furies hold.

[Chorus3]
the Headless Woman Cri-ed, Sightless Eyes illumed.
"non timebo mala", Years Pluck us From our Doom.
EndOfPoem:
Richard R. Thomas (Rick USA)
Sent from Mail<https://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/?LinkId=550986> for Windows

Ann M. Chiappetta, M.S.
Making Meaningful ConnectionsThrough Media
914.393.6605 USA
Anniecms64 at gmail.com<mailto:Anniecms64 at gmail.com>
All things Annie: www.annchiappetta.com<http://www.annchiappetta.com>

From: Stylist <stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org> On Behalf Of Richard R. Thomas via Stylist
Sent: Tuesday, May 31, 2022 7:32 AM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Cc: Richard R. Thomas <richardrthomas48 at gmail.com>
Subject: [Stylist] My First Poem

Watch out, the poem may wrap in the e-mail client.
so far the below verse is free-form while the chorus is mostely iambic.
These are actually lyrics to a song with slight modifications.
The content is indicative of an event that hurt so bad that those involved will never be free of the pain.
The end indicates that despite our tortured souls we dont have to fear, our end is coming soon andwith it the promise of forgiveness and relief.
A redemption story?