[Stylist] New story "The Terrors of Yip"

[Shawn Jacobson]

Thanks Vijas, I will take these comments into consideration.
Shawn Jacobson
sdj60259 at aol.com
 

    On Sunday, September 17, 2023 at 04:12:18 PM EDT, Vejas Vasiliauskas via Stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:  
 
 Hi Shawn, I read both stories, and enjoyed them. I noted the gullibility of the main character... in both situations, he was talked into meeting the dogs he did. What I also appreciate about "The Terorrs of Yip" is that it seems like the main character grew a lot, whereas it didn't really seem like he had learned from the first experience.The escape... the agent coming to the rescue... seemed a little different in this one. Whereas with your first piece, it seemed like the agent had as much of a hard time escaping as the main character, and both their lives were at jeopardy, in this one it felt like the agent had the upper hand when she came. Just a few grammar errors that I noticed. For exampple, in the beginning, there should be a comma between "repeated" and "downloading." Another example would be "than a writing den" instead of "then a writing den."My only piece of constructive criticism relating to the content was that I was initially confused about how the 2 stories connected. The mother hadn't been introduced in the first story, and I wasn't sure if it was the same main character, or if the main character in the second piece was an admirer of the one in the first piece, "Dog Boy." I hope that makes sense. I figured it out later. One idea is maybe to have F'tima from the first piece take the place of the mother whom we hadn't met before. I hope that my feedback makes sense. Let me know if I need to clarify anything. Thanks, Vejas 

On Sep 16, 2023, at 17:57, Shawn Jacobson via Stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:



Vejas
Here is the original; it would probably be good to look at it before reading the second story.  No hurry.
Shawn
Shawn Jacobson
sdj60259 at aol.com
 

    On Saturday, September 16, 2023 at 12:57:59 PM EDT, Vejas Vasiliauskas via Stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:  
 
 Hi Shawn, Happy to do it for you this weekend. Would it be important that I read the first one, for context? I can't remember if I did. Thanks, Vejas

On Sep 15, 2023, at 18:10, Shawn Jacobson via Stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:



Dear writers
I am attaching a draft of my latest story, The Terrors of Yip.  It is a sequel to my story last year "The Day I Went to the Dogs.  I hope to publish this is Bewildering Stories, where the previous story was published.  
If anyone would be willing to be a beta reader for the story, I would appreciate it.  Tjhe story is not long, about 2,500 words, so it shouldn't be a long project.
Thanks in advance.
Shawn Jacobson
sdj60259 at aol.com
<The Terrors of Yip_v3.docx>_______________________________________________
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  <The Day My Life went to the dogs.rtf>_______________________________________________
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