[blindkid] Seeking advice: blind daughter intentionally excluded from birthday party

Carrie Gilmer carrie.gilmer at gmail.com
Wed Oct 29 16:11:42 UTC 2008


Dear Grace,

 

I very much agree with Stephanie's approach. I have found through trial and
many errors, that pro-activity is the way to go as much as possible. I would
recommend pro-activity to other parents, classmates and teachers as much as
possible in the future.

 

I also am someone who tries to take a direct approach to the source. It is
likely that the exclusion was done out of "innocent" ingnorance. I think
that bringing a gift would sting in the wrong way. Teaching through shame
and humiliation is not the most fruitful route for the long haul in my
experience. 

 

The friend of yours is wonderful and a true friend. She must make her own
decision--but I would not turn it into a "boycott", without communicating
gently, why she feels as she does. If she would call the family and explain
her surprise at Milagro not being invited, and express her concern that they
are afraid of blindness-in a loving way that frees them to save face and
admit openly their fears-then she may address it. Maybe she can even offer
to email them your presentation video of Milagro's activity and encourage
them to fell free to invite Milagro. Then if they refuse still-it is her
choice to say "well I am uncomfortable sending my child to a party that
excludes his best friend (or -any child) for no good reason" or something
like that, so thanks but no thanks.

 

 You could also choose to contact them yourself, not playing dumb, but
directly stating that it appears that your daughter was excluded from the
invites and you fear it may be due to her blindness-and talk fast-before
they can say "oh no! that is not it", you tell them how it is understandable
and you didn't know anything about blindness before you had a blind
child.etc, but now you know, and tell them Milagro's experiences, offer the
video, and tell them you hope to fend off misunderstanding in the class from
the beginning after all they are likely to be together for the next ten or
eleven years-right?

 

Then I would leave it, maybe they will come around. You can still be
proactive with the rest of the class-give them an in-service on Milagro and
blindness and her tools and techniques. Get to know the other parents.

 

We all understand the pain. I see this as the most common social experience
of growing up blind-rejection by peers and their parents from
misunderstanding. I recall one hurtful time for us in particular. Our next
door neighbor has a son the same age and grade as Jordan. When they were
about seven they had a birthday party and every kid in a four block radius
was invited to the back yard party except Jordan. I did not know about it
until the party was under way, (I had known it was Kyle's birthday coming
up), and all the kids were out there very obviously in a birthday
celebration. I recall as I realized it my whole body shook and boiled. Kyle
and Jordan never really had much in common as they grew older and so
mutually never became real friends but have always been very cordial to each
other and respectful. I never said anything because the party was over-and
they clearly knew Jordan, and how he moved about everyday. I never could
feel the same way about the parents-that was a hard one to forgive. I think
we never got close after that because that was just an indication of a lot
of other little stupid stuff about the rest of life the mother at least kept
showing through the years. Still we smile and wave and occasionally talk
about the weather-I hate that in a neighbor, in every other direction we
LOVE our neighbors (plenty of others to share sugar, mail retrieval, and
door keys, wheel barrows and emergencies with) and no one else has ever
excluded Jordan like that.

 

As far as the school having a policy-I think we have done much as a society
to improve the "bully" stuff and harassment, and exclusions that many of us
who grew up in the fifties and sixties and even into the nineties often was
taken for granted as just playground, back of the bus, and someone who
always never got valentines-- life as a kid. On the other hand, I have seen
it go over board where kids do not have the skills to deal with someone who
does not like them (for what ever reason)-that is real life and life in the
work place. We are not all each other's favorites, and we do not all like
each other, but we must be respectful. There are times in the workplace
where the invites will be heard and our children-or anyone for some reason,
may be excluded. Our kids are at high risk for that and we can teach them
pro-activity and that if someone excludes them how to not take it personally
and move on without anger and bitterness or if discrimination that costs how
to advocate for themselves and get their rights or to educate the public, or
co-workers or neighbors.

 

 

We are all with you in our hearts-we live the same thing. You are a
wonderful mother and have normal expectations for Mialgro-she has a great
future ahead, despite the ignorance in the world about her blindness. My
best wishes to you in finding resolution Grace.

 

 

 

 

Carrie Gilmer, President

National Organization of Parents of Blind Children

A Division of the National Federation of the Blind

NFB National Center: 410-659-9314

Home Phone: 763-784-8590

carrie.gilmer at gmail.com

www.nfb.org/nopbc

 

-----Original Message-----
From: blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Kieszak, Stephanie (CDC/CCEHIP/NCEH)
Sent: Wednesday, October 29, 2008 7:32 AM
To: blindkid at nfbnet.org
Subject: Re: [blindkid] Seeking advice: blind daughter intentionally
excluded from birthday party

 

Oops, I accidentally hit send before I wrote my reply.  I was trying to

explain what has worked for us in the past.  At the start of each school

year, we invite Kendra's entire class (plus parents and siblings) over

for a party.  That way they get to meet us, we get to meet them, and

they get to see Kendra being a typical kid.  This year, we had a pool

party in September for her 6th birthday.  Out of a class of 18, only 3

kids didn't come (and all 3 had good reasons).  So far, we haven't had a

problem with her being excluded from things and I think a big part of

the reason is because we make a real effort to get to know the other

families and to have them know Kendra.  Another suggestion is to

schedule as many playdates as possible with classmates. I know that's

easier said than done with everyone's schedules!  Maybe the other family

just assumed Milagro wouldn't have fun at the birthday party because

they haven't had a chance to "see her in action".  I remember when

Kendra was in her second year of Montessori school, one of the parents

specifically asked me if Kendra would be okay at that type of party.

There was no malice; she just didn't know if a blind child would be

comfortable in that type of setting.  That little girl, 3 years later,

is still one of Kendra's best friends.

Good luck to both of you!

Stephanie 

_______________________________________________

blindkid mailing list

blindkid at nfbnet.org

http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/blindkid_nfbnet.org

To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
blindkid:

http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/blindkid_nfbnet.org/carrie.gilmer%40gm
ail.com




More information about the BlindKid mailing list