[blindkid] Seeking advice: blind daughter intentionallyexcluded from birthday party

Wed Oct 29 18:01:59 UTC 2008

Grace,
	I am sorry to hear about the situation with your daughter.  It
is unfortunate that things like this still happen.  It looks like you
have received a lot of great suggestions, so I don't want to rehash any
of that. But if you don't mind, I think some of us would like to hear
how things go if/when you do decide to address the issue with the
parents.  
Good luck with things.  
Mary Jo Thorpe

Mary Jo Thorpe, MEd, NOMC

Education Program Specialist 

NFB Jernigan Institute 

-----Original Message-----
From: blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On Behalf Of Carrie Gilmer
Sent: Wednesday, October 29, 2008 12:12 PM
To: 'NFBnet Blind Kid Mailing List,(for parents of blind children)'
Subject: Re: [blindkid] Seeking advice: blind daughter
intentionallyexcluded from birthday party

Dear Grace,

I very much agree with Stephanie's approach. I have found through trial
and many errors, that pro-activity is the way to go as much as possible.
I would recommend pro-activity to other parents, classmates and teachers
as much as possible in the future.

I also am someone who tries to take a direct approach to the source. It
is likely that the exclusion was done out of "innocent" ingnorance. I
think that bringing a gift would sting in the wrong way. Teaching
through shame and humiliation is not the most fruitful route for the
long haul in my experience. 

The friend of yours is wonderful and a true friend. She must make her
own decision--but I would not turn it into a "boycott", without
communicating gently, why she feels as she does. If she would call the
family and explain her surprise at Milagro not being invited, and
express her concern that they are afraid of blindness-in a loving way
that frees them to save face and admit openly their fears-then she may
address it. Maybe she can even offer to email them your presentation
video of Milagro's activity and encourage them to fell free to invite
Milagro. Then if they refuse still-it is her choice to say "well I am
uncomfortable sending my child to a party that excludes his best friend
(or -any child) for no good reason" or something like that, so thanks
but no thanks.

 You could also choose to contact them yourself, not playing dumb, but
directly stating that it appears that your daughter was excluded from
the invites and you fear it may be due to her blindness-and talk
fast-before they can say "oh no! that is not it", you tell them how it
is understandable and you didn't know anything about blindness before
you had a blind child.etc, but now you know, and tell them Milagro's
experiences, offer the video, and tell them you hope to fend off
misunderstanding in the class from the beginning after all they are
likely to be together for the next ten or eleven years-right?

Then I would leave it, maybe they will come around. You can still be
proactive with the rest of the class-give them an in-service on Milagro
and blindness and her tools and techniques. Get to know the other
parents.

We all understand the pain. I see this as the most common social
experience of growing up blind-rejection by peers and their parents from
misunderstanding. I recall one hurtful time for us in particular. Our
next door neighbor has a son the same age and grade as Jordan. When they
were about seven they had a birthday party and every kid in a four block
radius was invited to the back yard party except Jordan. I did not know
about it until the party was under way, (I had known it was Kyle's
birthday coming up), and all the kids were out there very obviously in a
birthday celebration. I recall as I realized it my whole body shook and
boiled. Kyle and Jordan never really had much in common as they grew
older and so mutually never became real friends but have always been
very cordial to each other and respectful. I never said anything because
the party was over-and they clearly knew Jordan, and how he moved about
everyday. I never could feel the same way about the parents-that was a
hard one to forgive. I think we never got close after that because that
was just an indication of a lot of other little stupid stuff about the
rest of life the mother at least kept showing through the years. Still
we smile and wave and occasionally talk about the weather-I hate that in
a neighbor, in every other direction we LOVE our neighbors (plenty of
others to share sugar, mail retrieval, and door keys, wheel barrows and
emergencies with) and no one else has ever excluded Jordan like that.

As far as the school having a policy-I think we have done much as a
society to improve the "bully" stuff and harassment, and exclusions that
many of us who grew up in the fifties and sixties and even into the
nineties often was taken for granted as just playground, back of the
bus, and someone who always never got valentines-- life as a kid. On the
other hand, I have seen it go over board where kids do not have the
skills to deal with someone who does not like them (for what ever
reason)-that is real life and life in the work place. We are not all
each other's favorites, and we do not all like each other, but we must
be respectful. There are times in the workplace where the invites will
be heard and our children-or anyone for some reason, may be excluded.
Our kids are at high risk for that and we can teach them pro-activity
and that if someone excludes them how to not take it personally and move
on without anger and bitterness or if discrimination that costs how to
advocate for themselves and get their rights or to educate the public,
or co-workers or neighbors.

We are all with you in our hearts-we live the same thing. You are a
wonderful mother and have normal expectations for Mialgro-she has a
great future ahead, despite the ignorance in the world about her
blindness. My best wishes to you in finding resolution Grace.

Carrie Gilmer, President

National Organization of Parents of Blind Children

A Division of the National Federation of the Blind

NFB National Center: 410-659-9314

Home Phone: 763-784-8590

carrie.gilmer at gmail.com

www.nfb.org/nopbc

-----Original Message-----
From: blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On Behalf Of Kieszak, Stephanie (CDC/CCEHIP/NCEH)
Sent: Wednesday, October 29, 2008 7:32 AM
To: blindkid at nfbnet.org
Subject: Re: [blindkid] Seeking advice: blind daughter intentionally
excluded from birthday party

Oops, I accidentally hit send before I wrote my reply.  I was trying to

explain what has worked for us in the past.  At the start of each school

year, we invite Kendra's entire class (plus parents and siblings) over

for a party.  That way they get to meet us, we get to meet them, and

they get to see Kendra being a typical kid.  This year, we had a pool

party in September for her 6th birthday.  Out of a class of 18, only 3

kids didn't come (and all 3 had good reasons).  So far, we haven't had a

problem with her being excluded from things and I think a big part of

the reason is because we make a real effort to get to know the other

families and to have them know Kendra.  Another suggestion is to

schedule as many playdates as possible with classmates. I know that's

easier said than done with everyone's schedules!  Maybe the other family

just assumed Milagro wouldn't have fun at the birthday party because

they haven't had a chance to "see her in action".  I remember when

Kendra was in her second year of Montessori school, one of the parents

specifically asked me if Kendra would be okay at that type of party.

There was no malice; she just didn't know if a blind child would be

comfortable in that type of setting.  That little girl, 3 years later,

is still one of Kendra's best friends.

Good luck to both of you!

Stephanie 

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