[blindkid] Seeking advice: blind daughter intentionallyexcluded from birthday party
landjwest at bellsouth.net
landjwest at bellsouth.net
Wed Oct 29 21:04:41 UTC 2008
Dear Grace,
You know I have found that in most cases it is the parents not the kids leaving our children out. i have been very blessed that at my church the girls actually fight over who will lead MAleka and who will help her. they think it is cool. Unfortunatley the parents teach their children ways that are not correct as they grow up. Maleka was even given a solo at our church in a kids musical. There were 200 kids in this program and they still picked Maleka. She had to be led across the stage to the mic and after she sang the whole church stood to their feet applauding her. Many of those parents told me that their child came home and could not stop talking about Maleka. We as parents must teach our children that every boy and girl is special.
Laura
-------------- Original message from "Carrie Gilmer" <carrie.gilmer at gmail.com>: --------------
> Dear Grace,
>
>
>
> I very much agree with Stephanie's approach. I have found through trial and
> many errors, that pro-activity is the way to go as much as possible. I would
> recommend pro-activity to other parents, classmates and teachers as much as
> possible in the future.
>
>
>
> I also am someone who tries to take a direct approach to the source. It is
> likely that the exclusion was done out of "innocent" ingnorance. I think
> that bringing a gift would sting in the wrong way. Teaching through shame
> and humiliation is not the most fruitful route for the long haul in my
> experience.
>
>
>
> The friend of yours is wonderful and a true friend. She must make her own
> decision--but I would not turn it into a "boycott", without communicating
> gently, why she feels as she does. If she would call the family and explain
> her surprise at Milagro not being invited, and express her concern that they
> are afraid of blindness-in a loving way that frees them to save face and
> admit openly their fears-then she may address it. Maybe she can even offer
> to email them your presentation video of Milagro's activity and encourage
> them to fell free to invite Milagro. Then if they refuse still-it is her
> choice to say "well I am uncomfortable sending my child to a party that
> excludes his best friend (or -any child) for no good reason" or something
> like that, so thanks but no thanks.
>
>
>
> You could also choose to contact them yourself, not playing dumb, but
> directly stating that it appears that your daughter was excluded from the
> invites and you fear it may be due to her blindness-and talk fast-before
> they can say "oh no! that is not it", you tell them how it is understandable
> and you didn't know anything about blindness before you had a blind
> child.etc, but now you know, and tell them Milagro's experiences, offer the
> video, and tell them you hope to fend off misunderstanding in the class from
> the beginning after all they are likely to be together for the next ten or
> eleven years-right?
>
>
>
> Then I would leave it, maybe they will come around. You can still be
> proactive with the rest of the class-give them an in-service on Milagro and
> blindness and her tools and techniques. Get to know the other parents.
>
>
>
> We all understand the pain. I see this as the most common social experience
> of growing up blind-rejection by peers and their parents from
> misunderstanding. I recall one hurtful time for us in particular. Our next
> door neighbor has a son the same age and grade as Jordan. When they were
> about seven they had a birthday party and every kid in a four block radius
> was invited to the back yard party except Jordan. I did not know about it
> until the party was under way, (I had known it was Kyle's birthday coming
> up), and all the kids were out there very obviously in a birthday
> celebration. I recall as I realized it my whole body shook and boiled. Kyle
> and Jordan never really had much in common as they grew older and so
> mutually never became real friends but have always been very cordial to each
> other and respectful. I never said anything because the party was over-and
> they clearly knew Jordan, and how he moved about everyday. I never could
> feel the same way about the parents-that was a hard one to forgive. I think
> we never got close after that because that was just an indication of a lot
> of other little stupid stuff about the rest of life the mother at least kept
> showing through the years. Still we smile and wave and occasionally talk
> about the weather-I hate that in a neighbor, in every other direction we
> LOVE our neighbors (plenty of others to share sugar, mail retrieval, and
> door keys, wheel barrows and emergencies with) and no one else has ever
> excluded Jordan like that.
>
>
>
> As far as the school having a policy-I think we have done much as a society
> to improve the "bully" stuff and harassment, and exclusions that many of us
> who grew up in the fifties and sixties and even into the nineties often was
> taken for granted as just playground, back of the bus, and someone who
> always never got valentines-- life as a kid. On the other hand, I have seen
> it go over board where kids do not have the skills to deal with someone who
> does not like them (for what ever reason)-that is real life and life in the
> work place. We are not all each other's favorites, and we do not all like
> each other, but we must be respectful. There are times in the workplace
> where the invites will be heard and our children-or anyone for some reason,
> may be excluded. Our kids are at high risk for that and we can teach them
> pro-activity and that if someone excludes them how to not take it personally
> and move on without anger and bitterness or if discrimination that costs how
> to advocate for themselves and get their rights or to educate the public, or
> co-workers or neighbors.
>
>
>
>
>
> We are all with you in our hearts-we live the same thing. You are a
> wonderful mother and have normal expectations for Mialgro-she has a great
> future ahead, despite the ignorance in the world about her blindness. My
> best wishes to you in finding resolution Grace.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Carrie Gilmer, President
>
> National Organization of Parents of Blind Children
>
> A Division of the National Federation of the Blind
>
> NFB National Center: 410-659-9314
>
> Home Phone: 763-784-8590
>
> carrie.gilmer at gmail.com
>
> www.nfb.org/nopbc
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of Kieszak, Stephanie (CDC/CCEHIP/NCEH)
> Sent: Wednesday, October 29, 2008 7:32 AM
> To: blindkid at nfbnet.org
> Subject: Re: [blindkid] Seeking advice: blind daughter intentionally
> excluded from birthday party
>
>
>
> Oops, I accidentally hit send before I wrote my reply. I was trying to
>
> explain what has worked for us in the past. At the start of each school
>
> year, we invite Kendra's entire class (plus parents and siblings) over
>
> for a party. That way they get to meet us, we get to meet them, and
>
> they get to see Kendra being a typical kid. This year, we had a pool
>
> party in September for her 6th birthday. Out of a class of 18, only 3
>
> kids didn't come (and all 3 had good reasons). So far, we haven't had a
>
> problem with her being excluded from things and I think a big part of
>
> the reason is because we make a real effort to get to know the other
>
> families and to have them know Kendra. Another suggestion is to
>
> schedule as many playdates as possible with classmates. I know that's
>
> easier said than done with everyone's schedules! Maybe the other family
>
> just assumed Milagro wouldn't have fun at the birthday party because
>
> they haven't had a chance to "see her in action". I remember when
>
> Kendra was in her second year of Montessori school, one of the parents
>
> specifically asked me if Kendra would be okay at that type of party.
>
> There was no malice; she just didn't know if a blind child would be
>
> comfortable in that type of setting. That little girl, 3 years later,
>
> is still one of Kendra's best friends.
>
> Good luck to both of you!
>
> Stephanie
>
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