[humanser] A not so good experience

Thu Feb 25 10:19:20 UTC 2010

Hi, Cari. Thanks for sharing this experience. I wouldn't e too hard on 
yourself. We all have these moments and they can be really frustrating on 
multiple levels. At the same time, it's good you want to learn from the 
experience. I have a few ideas, but am sure others can chime in.

First, think about how you would have liked to respond. It can sound cheesy, 
but even go over in your mind some alternatives. Examples might be saying 
things to the student like, "I'm glad there are some other resources here 
for you. I'm wondering if we could try figuring this out. If that doesn't 
work, let's have you work with the teacher." Another thing, believe it or 
not, is to tell yourself to breathe. I know all of us counselor types have 
told our clients this stuff a million times, but it's true. Sometimes, just 
taking some time to breathe for a minute before responding can really help 
us calm down. Another thing you can try if you know this type of situation 
is a trigger for you to "make a sceen" is to give yourself a quick rest room 
break. Sometimes, just removing yourself for a couple of minutes can help 
you process a little bit.

I know none of these ideas are rocket science. It would be worth checking in 
with the student to see how things are going. their learning style and your 
tutoring style may differ a little bit and both of you may need to make some 
adjustments.

Then, here's the hard part. We all need to remind ourselves when working 
with students, clients, etc, that it is really about them and getting their 
needs met, not about us. That can be super hard, sometimes. I feel these 
things sometimes when i work with students who have learning disabilities. I 
want to be able to see their disorganized backpack, schedule, or whatever. I 
want to be able to point to the example on their sheet or easily highlight 
or draw something for them. I can't usually do that. So, sometimes I'll have 
a student work with one of my staff members to get some of that visual 
feedback.

With all that said, I would have been really annoyed and would have felt 
humiliated, too. Part of these types of experiences is that they bring back 
other times when sighted people have jumped in to solve things for us. We 
have to look at those internal messages which we are hearing and decide 
whether we believe them or not.

Thanks for being vulnerable to the list in this way. These are the kinds of 
things we need to be talking about because this experience you had is going 
to happen again and again and again and it can be a pain. for what it's 
worth, as I've gotten older and experienced more healing and grace in my 
life, I've found that I can step back and give that to others more. I don't 
tend to internalize these things as much. And sometimes, you have to "fake 
it till you make it" when it comes to interacting with others around 
blindness. Sometimes, that means saying thank you to someone, even when I'd 
rather punch them in the nose.

One more thing. You may think the teacher was getting involved because you 
are blind, but I can tell you that the teacher probably does this with other 
tutors, as well. You are a peer tutor, after all. It may not be about 
blindness as much as it is about the teacher wanting to jump in and help 
anyone in that way.

Thanks for sharing your experience in such a clear way. I'll be interested 
to see how others respond.

Kathy McGillivray
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Cari Kness" <carisuekness at gmail.com>
To: "human service list" <humanser at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, February 25, 2010 3:27 AM
Subject: [humanser] A not so good experience

> Hi All,
> I had an experience today that I'm really upset about. Not only am I upset 
> about the experience itself, I'm upset about the way I handled it. I bring 
> this up because I have no doubt that I'll have to deal with similar 
> experiences in the future. I'm looking for some feedback of more 
> appropriate ways of handling this and some suggestions of what I can do 
> either now or in the future.
> I'm a free lance peer tutor at school. I tutor elementary and intermediate 
> algebra. I have a student who is returning to school and she happens to be 
> in the Human Service associate degree program as I am. I worked with her 
> for the second time today. My favorite spot happened to be taken today so 
> my student suggested we go to the learning center lab. The learning center 
> is for students who have learning disabilities or who are getting their 
> High school equivalency. The learning center is staffed with several full 
> time teachers and some student tutors who have regular shifts there. I 
> know a hand full of the teachers and a few students working there and more 
> who use the service. I normally don't like to work there either as a tutor 
> or student being tutored because people around us may need it quiet for 
> test taking and the like. Today since my student suggested we go there I 
> decided to go along with it. I figured, "after all, what's the worst thing 
> that can happen?" We started working and all was good until it was time to 
> move on to the next concept in the book. She has been out sick for the 
> last few class periods and has not seen this stuff yet. The way I've been 
> working it is to go over the examples in the book verbally with the 
> student. This way I'll know what we are doing and the student has another 
> chance to go over the concepts and express what they need help doing. 
> Apparently my student today didn't read completely what the book was 
> saying. I'm new to this tutoring thing and I'm not a 100% math goddess. 
> I'm only human. Well, because I didn't have a clear picture about what we 
> were doing I followed the directions and got confused trying to relate 
> back to how I learned the same stuff a year ago. My student called over a 
> learning center teacher. I felt like a total idiot. I tried to express to 
> this teacher that I'm a peer tutor and that I've been working with this 
> student for the past hour or so. The student insisted on working with the 
> teacher. I felt so belittled, embarrassed, horrified and invalidated. I 
> felt like she was going to that teacher because I'm blind and don't know 
> what I'm talking about. The teacher decided to take over for a while and 
> after that she lingered. She finally went away for a while and then kept 
> drifting back. I was really offended both at the student and the teacher. 
> I made it clear that I didn't care for the way this session was going and 
> I did everything in my power to both take back my control and not make a 
> major scene. I did end up making a little scene and I never felt 
> completely back in control.
> I know I learned in the tutor training that the student tutor is one of 
> many resources offered and that the tutor should encourage the students to 
> use every resources necessary. I guess I didn't expect that a student 
> would call another teacher over. It would be different if the teacher was 
> the math teacher but it wasn't. I tried to back peddle and explain why I 
> reacted like I did but I don't think my student really understood. So, I 
> was unhappy with the way things unfolded and I was unhappy with the way I 
> handled myself. I'm sure I made a total ass out of myself. I felt that the 
> teacher was hanging around because she didn't feel that I could adequately 
> help my student because I'm blind.
> I'm sure this will come up again with future coworkers, clients and their 
> families etc.  How do I get over the "blindness knee jerk" reaction? Are 
> there specific ways I can assert myself without making a total ass of 
> myself and yet get my point and position across?
> Thanks for listening and in advance for any thoughts.
> Peace,
> Cari
>
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