[nabs-l] When NFB philosophy doesn't seem to work... advice?

Sat Dec 28 00:54:31 UTC 2013

Hi Kaiti,

I have been in situations similar to what you are describing, so I
have a few ideas. First, I wonder if the issues she is complaining
about are blindness-related or are they more general family issues or
mental health issues? If you suspect she may be depressed or
experiencing some other mental health problem that's not being
addressed, it would be good to give her some crisis line numbers. The
crisis lines are staffed by trained volunteers or professionals who
are sitting there waiting for calls from people like her. It is much
better for her to call one of these trained folks than it is to be
calling you at your house while you are busy living your life. It is
also more compassionate because she will be talking with trained
therapists who are motivated to help her and have the experience to
know how to respond to her crises. Next time she calls, you could tell
her that you care about her but that you think the people at the
crisis line will be able to help her better than you can and that the
crisis line people can answer her call any time of day or night, but
that you are busy with school and often can't answer her calls. If she
keeps calling after that, remind her that you want her to call the
crisis lines instead of calling you, at least if it's not about
blindness. If it is about blindness, then do you think you have
anything else to offer her that you haven't already? If not, then you
can just be honest and tell her that you have already given her some
helpful suggestions and that you don't have any other ideas for her.
You can emphasize that you are busy and don't have a lot of time to
sit around and listen to her problems but that you do care about her
and are helping her get in touch with other people who can help her.
You can and should also set boundaries around the time of day that she
calls. Tell her that you don't want her to call after a certain time
when your parents go to bed because the call will wake them up and if
she calls anyway after hours, remind her that you don't want her
calling so late and that you will block her number if the late-night
calls continue. My experience has been that if you are kind but firm
with the boundaries, the unwanted calls do eventually stop.

Arielle

On 12/27/13, Sandra Gayer <sandragayer7 at gmail.com> wrote:
> Hello Kaiti,
> The situation you are in sounds horrible for you. This girl clearly
> isn't coping and needs emotional support but you can't be responsible
> for her needs. It sounds as though she is using you as a helpline. No
> one can or will tell you what to do but if I were in your position, I
> would look up the numbers of some crisis helplines and give her the
> numbers next time she calls. I would also ask her to look into talking
> to a professional like a therapist. I know it's difficult but when she
> starts to talk about her problems, try not to fan the flames of the
> conversation by participating in the conversation. Instead, try and
> suggest the same things, (helplines and therapy, emotionally
> supportive websites and forums), every time she phones and say nothing
> else. If it helps you, write yourself a script and stick to it every
> single phone call. If this girl is calling your family, maybe give
> them the same script. It may take time but she will stop.
>
> I used to work for a charity that gave emotional support to 16-25 year
> olds and you're more than welcome to email me off list if you'd like
> specific resources.
> Very best wishes,
> Sandra.
>
> On 12/27/13, Dave Webster <dwebster125 at gmail.com> wrote:
>> Hi Katie.  My name is Dave.  I'm from California.  It actually sounds
>> like
>> this girl may have a problem with depression.  I have bipolar and a long
>> while back I've done the same thing with people.  One of the things that
>> happens is when a person is going into a crisis with depression what
>> happens
>> is they try to find a person who they totally feel comfortable with.
>> When
>> they find that person that usually is the only person that they'll talk
>> to.
>> They won't talk to anyone else.  I've done that with people.  I try not
>> to
>> but at times it just happens.  What to do about it?  That's a hard one.
>> I
>> don't think there is an easy answer.  Probably the best thing you can do
>> is
>> to continue to be her friend.  I know how it is when you're depressed
>> believe me.  When my grandma died in January I was talking to this person
>> who I had met online and it sort of was the same thing but reversed in
>> that
>> I was calling her a lot but the only difference was we were kind of
>> involved
>> with eachother.  She eventually broke off the relationship.  It wasn't so
>> much me and what I was doing.  She knew I was going through a lot but she
>> had a mental illness as well so.  If you want you can mailm me off list
>> and
>> we could talk about this more.  But.  Yea unfortunately there is not an
>> easy
>> answer to this o		ne.
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Kaiti
>> Shelton
>> Sent: Friday, December 27, 2013 2:30 PM
>> To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
>> Subject: [nabs-l] When NFB philosophy doesn't seem to work... advice?
>>
>> Hi all,
>>
>> I have quite the puzzling situation on my hands, and I am not quite sure
>> how
>> to handle it.  Thoughts?
>>
>> Almost four years ago my mom and I went to this 3 day seminar for
>> students
>> in the state voc rehab program with visual impairments.  This Friday
>> evening
>> to Sunday morning seminar was designed to show students and parents from
>> around the state different employment options that were available,
>> ranging
>> from vending and call center jobs to taking the college route to get a
>> degree in a two or four year program.  A friend of mine and I, who lived
>> close to each other, were hanging out
>> early on.   All of a sudden, this other girl was hanging all over him
>> and would not give him his personal space.  It was very odd, considering
>> that this was a very short period of time in which this all happened.
>> Less
>> than 24 hours after the students had met, my friend was so creeped out by
>> the almost constant and unwanted attention that he began to avoid this
>> girl.
>> Other students, seeing how creeped out he was and some creeped out
>> themselves due to the same thing, ended up following suit.
>>
>> I was sixteen at the time, and could feel for my friend.  The girl was
>> very
>> much in my face a lot of the time too, but I was a bit more patient with
>> her
>> throughout the weekend.  She seemed to be worse with the guys than the
>> girls
>> too, so I had a little more space than my friend.
>>
>> About 3 months after the program in the summertime, she started calling
>> my
>> house.  The parents at the program were given a list of the other parents
>> who attended, along with their phone numbers, so they could swap
>> resources
>> if they so chose.  This girl got the list from her parents, and was using
>> it
>> to call me and my friend, possibly other students as well although I am
>> not
>> sure.  The calls started off being about once every so often, then
>> increased.  She was a very odd girl, and liked to complain and cry about
>> her
>> problems to me and my friend.
>> There was nothing social about the calls, just complaining and
>> negativity,
>> and mumbling which was really weird.  He quit talking to her much sooner
>> than I did because I tried to get her to see that being visually
>> impaired,
>> (she didn't like the word blind since she was a large print reader, and
>> kind
>> of used that to elivate herself above other people), was not the worst
>> thing
>> in the world.  She would cry and complain, and even tell me I didn't
>> understand how bad things were, when her descriptions of things made it
>> sound like she was very overdramatic.  I decided at the end of my junior
>> year, a year after the calls started coming, that I didn't want to talk
>> to
>> a
>> downer, and that I wasn't going to be able to convince her that blindness
>> didn't mean the end of the world.
>>
>> The girl continued to call.  My senior year was very busy with activities
>> and preparing for college.  I would come home from marching band
>> practices
>> to find my siblings quite frustrated because the girl had kept calling,
>> sometimes as much as 5 or 6 times in a span of a few hours.  They didn't
>> want to answer the phone because whenever someone told her I wasn't home
>> she
>> would instantly get teary and mumble things to herself, and it was very
>> weird, but they didn't want her to continue calling either.  I remember
>> one
>> night over Christmas break of that year, she called and when I told her I
>> was getting ready to leave the house, which I was to go pick up someone
>> coming in from out of town for the holidays with my family, she got angry
>> and wanted me to give her my cell phone number.  I told her that I didn't
>> want to give it out, and she started to get upset.  Then I really had to
>> go,
>> and there was the characteristic mumbling.
>>
>> My parents have told me that for the past year and a half that I've been
>> in
>> college that the girl has continued to call.  My mom has told her that I
>> live at school and do not come home much multiple times.
>> My younger siblings, in frustration, have told her that I've moved away
>> and
>> have begun making up different things to tell her to try to discourage
>> her
>> from calling.  She continues to call, and around Christmas it is always
>> terrible.  A few nights ago she called when my parents were asleep a
>> little
>> after  11:00 at night, and has apparently called and left messages late
>> at
>> night before.  My parents have to get up very early for work, so In order
>> to
>> stop the ringing and to prevent a message from playing over the machine I
>> had to answer.  Everything was exactly the same.  I was heading to bed
>> myself, so I told her that I was asleep when she asked for me.  The fact
>> that she had called at such a late hour didn't seem to phase her, there
>> was
>> just the mumbling and usual stuff coming over the line.
>>
>> I don't quite know what to do.  I've tried to be positive with her and
>> that
>> hasn't worked.  My family has told her that I no longer live at home and
>> am
>> away at school among other things in frustration, but nothing seems to
>> phase
>> her.  I know she still calls my friend's house as well, even though he
>> does
>> not live at home any more either.  I don't quite know what to do about
>> this.
>> I barely know her and she barely knows me, and in spite of this I have
>> tried
>> to help her with no success.  My parents and siblings have said that we
>> should just block her calls, but I have hesitated in doing this while I
>> was
>> in high school because I didn't want to be mean, and then I honestly
>> forgot
>> about her for the most part while I was at school last year and last
>> semester because I can't get calls from her there.  After the call a few
>> nights ago, I don't really know what to think.  I am slightly creeped out
>> that even after my parents have told her I am not home for the past year
>> and
>> a half that the calls are still coming.  What do you think I should do?
>>
>>   --
>> Kaiti
>>
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