[Blindtlk] To Cane or Not To Cane?

Mon Feb 28 19:25:07 UTC 2011

As far as what Gary said about housing, I couldn't agree more! Bus
transport is CRUCIAL, and I'm currently in a situation where I lack
it. I live with my parents, not a SO, but the feeling of great
disappointment is the same. I'm currently working on moving to San
Antonio TX, where other family is, but also where bus transportation
is available! I'm about a month and a half from being there!

On 2/28/11, Gary Wunder <GWunder at earthlink.net> wrote:
> Hello Jessica. In your note you ask whether you have to sacrifice your
> independence for your boyfriend. I think the answer to that is clearly no.
> If it feels to you like you're sacrificing that independence to satisfy
> someone else, keep using your cane and refuse to hold on to the arm you love
> but do not need. If you come to feel differently about it and can integrate
> what other people are telling you about holding your boyfriend's arm and
> using your cane at the same time, by all means give that a whirl.
>
> I have to admit that your message raises some red flags for me. As a state
> president in the Federation, I have to tell you that I find some women in
> poor relationships that seem to be based on "you, being a blind woman, give
> me a wonderful opportunity to feel like a real man! If you are dependent on
> me for going where you need to go, I have a great deal of say over your
> life." In the extreme, I hear these people calling one another mommy and
> daddy, and the dependence that you talk about is very very real for them.
> Some blind people eventually reject this dependence and cost themselves a
> spouse. Some fall into the trap, become dependent, their spouse tires of the
> continual need to lead them around and comes to find it more of a burden
> than a thrill, moves on, and the blind person has to figure out independence
> all over again. Don't go there. Make sure you understand what your
> boyfriend's real motivation is. It may be that he is a straight up good guy
> who wants you to be independent, and I presume this is so, but if he is
> looking for somebody he can quite literally lead around, beware, for more
> than your blindness independence is at stake.
>
> One other caution if you will indulge me. You say that you will get a house
> where public transportation is available. Many people say this. Some of them
> actually do it. What too often happens, however, is that they start looking
> at house prices or find something they just fall in love with, and
> boom--they sacrifice independent mobility with the assurance that their
> spouse won't mind taking them where they need to go. Maybe it is that they
> say they are buying a starter house  and will soon move, or maybe it is that
> their husband already owns a house and they will live there until it becomes
> economically more practical to move where they can get around by themselves.
> Don't get in this situation. Hold out for being able to travel. Hold out for
> being able to get to places you need to go economically. Don't become a
> prisoner in your own house, and don't put your boyfriend and soon-to-be
> husband in the bind of having to take you everywhere. It happens far too
> frequently and it has real consequences.
>
> I was once married to a sighted woman and subscribed to the idea that when I
> was with someone with vision there was no need for me to bring along a cane.
> One day while we were walking she told me that she thought I was quite
> inconsiderate. I wondered what it was I had done that had provoked her
> anger. She said something like: "you know, we go out on these walks and you
> expect me to watch out for you, which doesn't bother me very much, but it
> occurred to me the other day that if I had a heart attack or sprained my
> ankle or did something that would keep me from going to get help, you've
> placed yourself in a position where you won't be able to help me. For
> somebody who talks a lot about being independent and showing consideration
> for others, I don't think you're showing much consideration or
> independence." That made me angry, but it was one of those angry feelings
> that you have when you know that probably the person who has just made you
> angry has made some good points. I never again went without a cane. I think
> going without a cane would feel as awkward to me as going without pants.
> Some people will patronizingly refer to it as "your badge of independence,"
> and I'm not sure I feel that way about it, but I do feel that it's part of
> my responsibility as a fully functional human being to take responsibility
> for myself, and, to be able to help others if I need to do it.
>
> Having said all of this, I have to say that I often use sighted guide when
> I'm traveling with someone, although sighted guide really is the wrong term
> because I do it whether the person is blind or sighted. I also continue to
> use my cane. If I'm walking through a crowd, I don't want our conversation
> to be interrupted by people cutting between us. It is sometimes difficult to
> stay with another person, and holding their arm or having them hold yours is
> a great way to make sure you are both going the same direction and not
> having to worry about whether your speed is coordinated and other such
> things. When I hold onto someone's arm, it is not that they are going to
> tell me where to go in most cases and it never is that I want them to
> protect me against something that my cane is capable of detecting. It is
> just that this is a very convenient way to stay with the person with whom
> I'm conversing, and it doesn't mean giving up 1 ounce of my independence.
>
> I hope some of this is helpful.
>
> Gary
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of Jessica Kostiw
> Sent: Sunday, February 27, 2011 3:41 PM
> To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List'; 'Pamela Allen'
> Subject: [Blindtlk] To Cane or Not To Cane?
>
> Hello List,
> 	This is Jessica Kostiw.  I have been on this list for quite a while,
> but do not post very often.  I am hoping to get some good advice on an issue
> that I am sure we have all faced.
>
> I am a Louisiana Center for the Blind graduate, and well appreciate the
> important of the travel skills I acquired there.
> If you are like me though, the significant majority of your time is spent
> with other sighted people.  My longtime boyfriend Jon is sighted.  He has
> actually purchased a cane from the NFB and wants to go under sleep shades to
> see what it is like.  The thing is on the one hand he is very supportive,
> but more and more when we are together in a store or something would very
> much rather that I just take his hand.  He says it's quicker and makes more
> sense, but I want to be able to be independent.  I don't see why he can't
> just walk by me and give me directions or something.  When we do that
> though, he says he feels like he is just calling a dog.  He may as well ring
> a cowbell.  He can't keep up chatter all the time and becomes harder for me
> to follow.  People give dirty looks like "why isn't that guy helping that
> blind lady?"  Part of me understands what he is saying, I have heard the
> same arguments from my mom.  My sister is so impatient and always just
> insists that I take her elbow.  I live in Virginia.  There is no public
> transportation where I live, and I am concerned that always being around
> sighted people with this attitude will eventually cause me to lose my
> skills.  This Email is focusing on the situation with Jon only because I am
> concerned about our future.  We are definitely working towards marriage and
> children and all that and I don't want to feel like I am completely
> dependent on my husband and can't equally contribute when we take any future
> children out in public.  We have already agreed that we will live in an area
> with good public transportation so I won't feel dependent and can do things
> on my own, but again what about when we are together?   Do I have to
> sacrifice my independence to make it easier on him?
>
> Any incite would be greatly appreciated!!
> Jessica
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of Chris Judd
> Sent: Thursday, February 10, 2011 2:31 AM
> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] [PM] Facebook with jaws
>
> I tried accessing the facebook lite site, and it worked.
> http://lite.facebook.com
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Bonnie Lucas" <lucas.bonnie at gmail.com>
> To: "'Blind Talk Mailing List'" <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:47 AM
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] [PM] Facebook with jaws
>
>
> Not sure what has happened but we discovered the same thing today as well.
> Perhaps it is something that will be fixed soon. My daughter and I tried
> everything to get it to let us click on things but it would not. Not sure
> what's up!
> Bonnie
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of humberto
> Sent: Wednesday, February 09, 2011 7:35 PM
> To: gui-talk at nfbnet.org; nfbcs at nfbnet.org
> Cc: blindTlk at nfbnet.org
> Subject: [Blindtlk] [PM] Facebook with jaws
>
> ---- Original Message ------
> From: Michelle Abadia <michelle.abadia at verizon.net
> Subject: [PM] Facebook with jaws
> Date sent: Wed, 09 Feb 2011 06:40:45 -0500
>
> Hi.
>
> I apologize for the unrelated topic.
> I've been using Facebook successfully on my windows 7 laptop,
> using (www.m.facebook.com), which I think our litt moderator
> suggested because (www.facebook.com) wasn't very accessible with
> jaws.
> This morning, I come to find that now, m.facebook.com isn't
> accessible either! Everything is preceeded by "same page link",
> and when I click on something or try to write a message, the
> system won't let me. This happened overnight, because I was able
> to work on Facebook just 24 hours ago.
>
> Could someone please give me some assistance with this off list
> at
> Michelle.abadia at verizon.net
> ?
>
> Thanks so much in advance.
>
> Michelle Abadia
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-- 
I'm trying to understand the choices you made as a young man, Dad. I'm
trying and failing and in agony because I must go back to a home that
is not my home.
San Antonio:
I love you and I miss you already and I haven't even left yet.