[Blindtlk] Blindness and Singleness

Sun Sep 8 04:00:37 UTC 2013

All of Arielle's advice is sound.   We don't usually on average have as many
dating opportunities, not unless you have an overabundance of compatible
blind people in your area; I can assure you I do not.   Therefore, I have
encountered the same dilemmas as yourself. I have been on only a few dates
over the years, but I am looking forward to a great relationship in the
future.  Remember, you only need one good one; there is always a chance.  My
theory is that if you put yourself in situations where common activities and
hobbies or icebreakers. It gives you a way to get to know them.   The shot
gun affect does not usually work for us; we should try a more focused way
such as through meet up groups and groups pertaining to a similar interest.

For online dating, to disclose or not to disclose.  The thought is that they
will come to know the real you first, and then you disclose before you go on
the date.  I couldn't tell you what the best method is.  I disclosed because
you could see that there was something wrong with my eyes if you looked
close.  Also, for me, my sense of honor would not allow me to do different,
but I don't think that is the most advantageous course of action, even
though I did it.  Only you can decide when to disclose.  Hang in there. You
said you are Christian.  Well, sit down, and talk to god.  Write down what
you really want in a mate; don't sell yourself short, you deserve the best.
You deserve just what you desire.   They, just pray on it.  Read it every
day, or twice a day to keep her in your mind, and pray.  Just ask god,
believe it is so, and prepare to receive her. That's what I'm doing.

-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Arielle
Silverman
Sent: Saturday, September 07, 2013 6:06 PM
To: Blind Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Blindness and Singleness

Hi Jason and all,

I am a 28-year-old blind woman and can totally remember the kinds of
experiences you are describing. I never had any kind of romantic
relationship until I was 21 and my first few were with blind guys. I too
often felt that sighted men only thought of me as a little sister and failed
to see me as a potential partner. However, I did eventually fall in love
with someone and just married him last weekend (his name is Jason actually).
Having now been on both sides of the struggle I have a few practical
suggestions and insights I hope you find helpful.

First, I don't know you personally but I am almost certain that there is
nothing wrong with you. I think it is very hard for many people to find
partners they like and who simultaneously feel the same way about them.
After all, there are a ton of online dating sites and so obviously lots of
people are looking and not finding dates in their local communities. I think
this is a problem  for sighted people too.
However, I do think it can be more difficult for blind people because of all
the prejudices and stereotypes that exist in our society about blindness.
Also, I have been told that the process of hooking up, between sighted
people, can often rely on visual cues especially for folks in their early
20's. Also, people often tend to find dates at bars and other places that
may just not appeal to you. I think it can be especially difficult for
mature, intelligent youth to get into the dating pool regardless of
blindness.

My first piece of advice is to try to become friends with women you meet in
classes, work, church, or other places where you have something in common.
If you become her friend first, she will get to know you as a whole person
and might eventually become interested in you. My husband, who is sighted,
was initially my office-mate in grad school and we were just casual friends
for a while before dating. He eventually spent enough time with me outside
of dating that he was able to see how I do things and that my blindness
wasn't a big deal.
Second, it might be nice to try to meet some blind women. I am glad that I
started dating with blind men because I was able to learn a lot about dating
and relationships without all the extra tension that comes with trying to
give the right visual cues and wondering what the sighted partner is
thinking. Although the relationships I had with blind guys ultimately didn't
last for reasons unrelated to blindness, I was glad to have had those
experiences because they taught me a lot about what kind of girlfriend I was
and how I could be a better one, as well as about the kind of partner I was
looking for. I'm not saying only consider blind women, but you might find
you have more initial success finding blind women who return your
affections. This can be a huge confidence builder if nothing else.

Finally, though I don't have much experience with online dating, you might
find it easier to manage than trying to meet someone in person.
With online dating you can choose not to disclose  your blindness at all
until you have gotten to know someone. And in online dating circles, you
know that everyone you are chatting with is looking for the same thing.

Best,
Arielle

On 9/7/13, Gloria Whipple <glowhi at centurylink.net> wrote:
> Hi Ray,
>
> Well said!
>
> I also agree with Mike.
>
> Thank you,
>
> Gloria Whipple
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Ray 
> Foret jr
> Sent: Saturday, September 07, 2013 14:25
> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Blindness and Singleness
>
> I'm with Mike all the way on this one.  Frankly, I think that part of 
> the problem may well be that you haven't fully accepted yourself as a 
> blind person.  Where do I get off saying that?  Well, Just make an 
> honest and careful examination of your own message.  Count up the 
> times you think that your blindness is the problem and then count up 
> the times you speak of giving up.  I'm not going to tell you what you 
> will find;  just do it and, prepair to be somewhat shocked and perhaps 
> dismaid at the result.  But, now comes the more interesting aspect of 
> this question.  What are you going to do with the raw data you get out 
> of this examination?  Are you going to let it control you:  or, are you
going to take control of it?
>
>
> Sent from my mac, the only computer with full accessibility for the 
> blind built-in!
> Sincerely,
> The Constantly Barefooted Ray
> Still a very proud and happy Mac and Iphone user!
>
> On Sep 7, 2013, at 3:43 PM, "Mike Freeman" <k7uij at panix.com> wrote:
>
>> You're giving up too soon.
>>
>> Mike
>>
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of 
>> Jason Terryn
>> Sent: Saturday, September 07, 2013 1:22 PM
>> To: blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>> Subject: [Blindtlk] Blindness and Singleness
>>
>> Hello everyone,
>>
>> I am desperately in need of some advice. I am a totally blind 
>> Christian
> man
>> in my early twenties and I am single. It's been my experience that 
>> it's extremely difficult for me to get dates. The few girls who do go 
>> out with me never turn out to be serious about me. After several 
>> years of being summarily rejected time without number and spending 
>> countless exhausting hours overthinking my approach, I'm beginning to 
>> wonder if it is actually something I'm doing (should I change my 
>> approach) or if its just a fact of being blind and I need to accept 
>> it gracefully.
>>
>> Has anyone else had this experience. I'm honestly unsure if I'm being 
>> rejected because I am blind, or because there is something 
>> undesirable about me. Could it be that blindness isa dealbreaker for most
girls?
>>
>> I feel like, despite my blindness I have a lot to offer. I am steady, 
>> reliable, I have a job, I am tall and physically fit, I have a lot of 
>> different skills and interests. On the whole, I feel that I'm a 
>> fairly well-rounded individual and reasonably well-intergrated in 
>> society. Also it's not like I'm trying to get the most beautiful or 
>> desirable girls out there. I just want ONE nice, pleasant girl who 
>> will like and accept me
> that
>> I can spend time with, and ultimately someone to marry. I don't feel 
>> like thats asking too much.
>>
>> so if it is my blindness that is scaring girls off is there anything 
>> at
> all
>> that I could do to offset this reaction? Could it be that I'm not 
>> presenting myself as confident enough or that they have some false 
>> stereotypes in their mind that I need to overcome? Am I just giving 
>> up too soon or is this really an almost hopeless situation?
>>
>> This has all been extremely frustrating to me. Any advice would be 
>> greatly appreciated.
>>
>> Thanks!
>>
>> Jason
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