[blparent] need to think something out

[Jo Elizabeth Pinto]

Hi Scott.  I would encourage you to give yourself some time before you make 
any long term decisions.  Having a baby is hard.  The "baby stage" is hard. 
I think a lot of parents feel guilty because they're supposed to be happy 
about having a new baby, and maybe they are, but it's downright difficult. 
Remember, though, that infancy is a very short period in the life of your 
little girl.  She'll be interacting with you more and more, and very soon. 
Don't let yourself miss out on everything that is to come.  And don't get on 
yourself too hard because you aren't enjoying every moment right now.  These 
are nowhere near the best years of your parenting experience.  Hang in 
there, and like Debbie says, think about seeing a counselor.  It seems to me 
that everything you're feeling is normal, but take a deep breath and count 
backwards from a hundred before you change your life over it.

Jo Elizabeth
--------------------------------------------------
From: "Scott Lawlor" <sklawlor at mac.com>
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2010 11:01 AM
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [blparent] need to think something out

> Hi.
>
> I hope you guys will indulge me as I think aloud a bit and maybe I could 
> use a bit of input, not necessarily what to do so much as maybe just using 
> the group as a sounding board of sorts if that's alright.
>
> Earlier this morning I was watching the baby and putting a diaper on her. 
> She was very wiggly and crying and I wasn't in a very good mood anyway so 
> I was annoyed and actually growled at her which was very over the top.
>
> Cindy asked me if I regretted having a kid and I said that I did a little. 
> Add to this the notion that she really wants another one and I don't think 
> I can go through the baby stage again, no matter how temporary things are.
> She asked me if I wanted to leave and I told her that part of me does and 
> part of me doesn't, an answer that I hate giving because it's quite 
> ambivalent.
>
> For the most part, I'm happy here and though I don't enjoy it that much 
> honestly, I take care of the baby alright.
>
> I just don't know.  It's not a question of whether either one of us is 
> worried about being single and alone, that's not a big deal for either her 
> or I actually.
>
> But she says if I'm going to resent a child, she'll pick up on that and it 
> won't be healthy for her or the rest of the family.
>
> I'm not sure if resent is the right word.
>
> We compliment each other in so many ways though, she cooks and I clean up 
> and do the dishes, she's way better with the finances and I'm better with 
> the laundry.
>
> Like I said, for the most part, I enjoy my life here with Cindy but taking 
> care of a baby, I'm not so sure of all that sometimes.
>
> It's not the work so much, the extra laundry, the diapering and all that. 
> I'm not sure what it is exactly.
>
> I know I enjoy my alone time more now than I used to I think.
>
> I hate feeling conflicted like this and it's not like I have to decide 
> right now whether to leave or not.  She did say though that if I wanted to 
> leave, it would be better now than later.
>
> I felt more comfortable and more capable when I was exclusively in a 
> support role, doing the laundry and all that other stuff.
>
> I remember she was crying really hard one time when I was holding her and 
> I had this image of me throwing her through the window, not a pretty image 
> and I'd never do something like that but those sorts of things really 
> concern me.
>
> No, being a parent of a new baby hasn't been exciting for me and I haven't 
> enjoyed it nearly as much as Cindy has and I wasn't excited about having 
> this kid and I think it's safe to say that she wanted this child more than 
> I.   I do better with kids who can actually talk and who can at least tell 
> you what they need to some extent.
>
> I hope I haven't rambled too much but I just felt that I needed to write 
> some things out a bit.
>
>
>
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