[blparent] need to think something out

[Allie]

Hi Scott,

I am glad you decided to share this with us. It makes me feel a little 
better that there are other people who are experiencing similar emotions 
that I did soon after my daughter was born. I know they say that postpartum 
depression isn't all that uncommon for moms, but how about dads?

How much time are you and Cindy spending together now that you have the 
baby? I think that is one of the things that it's easy to forget about with 
the added responsibility of a child. Your relationship with Cindy needs as 
much nurturing and attention now as it did before the baby was born. A few 
hours alone to do things that you enjoy together can make all the 
difference!

I know it isn't of much comfort to have people say to you that infancy is 
short-lived. I was there, and I remember the agony and stress of some of 
those days, but I promise it gets a little easier. Right now you have a tiny 
baby who is completely vulnerable and dependent on you and Cindy for all her 
needs. That is stressful, especially if you ever feel like you might be the 
only one who does most of the caregiving. Soon she'll be holding her own 
bottle and crawling around and running and talking up a storm and getting 
into things she shouldn't. Those are all different phases in her life that 
will be fun and challenging in their own way. <SMILE>

When you write up a list of the most important people in your life, are you 
at the top of that list? For many people, the answer is no. It's so easy to 
keep doing for others and forget about our needs. Your daughter is 
important, maybe one of the most important people in your world, but you 
need to be most important. It's not selfish to want some time to yourself. 
Take it if you need it. Parents are not supposed to have superhuman 
abilities.

Don't make any life-altering decisions just yet, because it's really easy to 
think negatively when you're stressed out. I really believe that you are 
stressed out, and if your feelings of resentment about the baby don't go 
away, you might need to seek out a third party's help.

Hang in there.
-- Allie



----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Scott Lawlor" <sklawlor at mac.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2010 10:01 AM
Subject: [blparent] need to think something out


> Hi.
>
> I hope you guys will indulge me as I think aloud a bit and maybe I could 
> use a bit of input, not necessarily what to do so much as maybe just using 
> the group as a sounding board of sorts if that's alright.
>
> Earlier this morning I was watching the baby and putting a diaper on her. 
> She was very wiggly and crying and I wasn't in a very good mood anyway so 
> I was annoyed and actually growled at her which was very over the top.
>
> Cindy asked me if I regretted having a kid and I said that I did a little. 
> Add to this the notion that she really wants another one and I don't think 
> I can go through the baby stage again, no matter how temporary things are.
> She asked me if I wanted to leave and I told her that part of me does and 
> part of me doesn't, an answer that I hate giving because it's quite 
> ambivalent.
>
> For the most part, I'm happy here and though I don't enjoy it that much 
> honestly, I take care of the baby alright.
>
> I just don't know.  It's not a question of whether either one of us is 
> worried about being single and alone, that's not a big deal for either her 
> or I actually.
>
> But she says if I'm going to resent a child, she'll pick up on that and it 
> won't be healthy for her or the rest of the family.
>
> I'm not sure if resent is the right word.
>
> We compliment each other in so many ways though, she cooks and I clean up 
> and do the dishes, she's way better with the finances and I'm better with 
> the laundry.
>
> Like I said, for the most part, I enjoy my life here with Cindy but taking 
> care of a baby, I'm not so sure of all that sometimes.
>
> It's not the work so much, the extra laundry, the diapering and all that. 
> I'm not sure what it is exactly.
>
> I know I enjoy my alone time more now than I used to I think.
>
> I hate feeling conflicted like this and it's not like I have to decide 
> right now whether to leave or not.  She did say though that if I wanted to 
> leave, it would be better now than later.
>
> I felt more comfortable and more capable when I was exclusively in a 
> support role, doing the laundry and all that other stuff.
>
> I remember she was crying really hard one time when I was holding her and 
> I had this image of me throwing her through the window, not a pretty image 
> and I'd never do something like that but those sorts of things really 
> concern me.
>
> No, being a parent of a new baby hasn't been exciting for me and I haven't 
> enjoyed it nearly as much as Cindy has and I wasn't excited about having 
> this kid and I think it's safe to say that she wanted this child more than 
> I.   I do better with kids who can actually talk and who can at least tell 
> you what they need to some extent.
>
> I hope I haven't rambled too much but I just felt that I needed to write 
> some things out a bit.
>
>
>
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