[blparent] dealing with the public

[Jo Elizabeth Pinto]

Hi Leslie.  I truly understand how hard it is to feel conspicuous in a place 
like church, when your baby is crying or fussing, and a bunch of 
well-meaning ladies gather around to help.  But as hard as it is, remember 
that it isn't all about your blindness, and it isn't usually even that the 
well-meaning ladies don't think you're doing your job, or don't think you're 
a good mom.  A big part of it is, people generally love babies and get all 
gooey around them, and don't think about the messages they may be putting 
across to the mothers.  I used to feel that I was getting judged as a parent 
when people at church tried to take over, and then some sighted moms told me 
that it had happened to them, too!  Everybody likes to think she has the 
answer when a baby is crying, and even if the baby stops for one given 
person or with one given activity like rocking or singing, it could just be 
that the baby happened to be done crying at that moment.  So I would say 
first, take it easy on yourself, and try to resolve any misgivings you might 
have that make you feel you are getting judged by others.  We're often 
harder on ourselves than anybody else would ever be on us.

The other thing that helped me a lot was to get a couple of women at my 
church in my corner.  If you have friends there, or acquaintances who have 
confidence in your abilities, talk to them about how you feel.  Ask them to 
watch out for the times when others crowd around you and try to take over. 
I found that a few remarks like "She looks like she's doing fine to me" or 
"Mom's got it all under control" went further in getting people to back off 
when they came from others than when I said them myself.  It was like the 
ones who were taking over suddenly went along with the consensus of the 
group that I was doing okay by myself.

The second tip I've gleaned from hard experience is, stick to what you say, 
even if you sound like a broken record.  Sarah and I were at a church 
potluck yesterday, and when it was time to eat, Sarah decided she wasn't 
ready and started to have a temper tantrum.  One of the women at church went 
right over to her and tried coaxing her, then ordering her, to sit down at 
the table.  Neither approach had the slightest effect on Sarah.  I just kept 
repeating that everybody should sit down and leave Sarah alone, ignoring the 
fit, and it would stop in under a minute.  Finally, that's exactly what 
everyone did, and as I predicted, in less than a minute, Sarah came over to 
me of her own free will and asked to sit on my lap and have some fruit. 
Stick to your guns.

If there is a particular person who persists in trying to take over, as 
there was with Sarah and me, you might have to confront her privately.  I 
have a really good friend, who is Sarah's adopted Nanna, and I wouldn't 
trade her for anything in the world.  But especially in the beginning, she 
was always jumping in as soon as Sarah whimpered, or taking her out of my 
arms and disappearing.  I had to sit down with her at a time when I wasn't 
feeling hurt or offended.  I calmly told her the way she was acting made me 
feel that she thought I wasn't a good mom, or wasn't doing my job well 
enough.  She was honestly horrified.  She said she never intended to make me 
feel that way, and that she thought I was doing a great job.  She told me 
she was trying to step in and give me a break because she knew I had Sarah 
by myself most of the time all week, and she loved the baby and wanted some 
cuddle time as well as giving me a chance to relax.  She told me if I ever 
felt that she was taking over, I should just stop her and be blunt and 
truthful, because she didn't take hints well.  Once we were both on the same 
page, she got her Nanna time, I got a break, and I didn't feel judged.  I've 
had to call her on her actions a few times--and she was right, hints didn't 
work so I had to be forthright with her--but as soon as she realizes she's 
pushing too far, she's been plenty willing to back off.

Sorry this was so long.  I don't know your exact situation, but I hope some 
of what I've learned over the last couple of years will help you.  Just 
remember, you're a good mom.  All babies cry, and all babies cry in public 
places when we would rather they didn't.  That's no reflection on you, and 
neither are the reactions of others, whether they're well-meaning or 
judgmental.  Hang in there.

Jo Elizabeth


--------------------------------------------------
From: "Leslie Hamric" <lhamric930 at comcast.net>
Sent: Monday, May 24, 2010 3:41 PM
To: "'NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List'" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [blparent] dealing with the public

> Hi group.  I wanted to tell you about a situation that happened yesterday.
> My husband and I were at a church doing and he had left me alone with the
> baby for a few minutes to go talk with some other people.  Michael started
> getting all fussy and crying and I immediately bent down to his carseat 
> and
> started rocking it like I normaly do.  Well, besides having this one lady
> ask me things like do you want me to hold him, I can try, I love babies, 
> do
> you need help rocking him, are you sure ou don't want me to hold him, etc.
> etc. I had three or 4 other ladies crowd around him, getting in his face,
> look for his pacifier which was right with my hand's reach,  and start
> talking to him which made him cry more.  Funny they all left me alone when
> my husband came back.  I know these women from choir and although they 
> were
> wel intentioned, I felt very uncomfortable.  They indirectly made me feel
> like I wasn't doing my job. I kept saying, no thanks, I have it and it 
> still
> didn't do any good. I'm wondering how have you all dealt with similar
> situations in the past?  My second question is, is there a such thing as
> being nice but firm when trying to get well-intentioned folks to back off?
> How else could I have handled it besides freezing up and feeling hurt?
> Thanks for any input.
>
> Leslie
>
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