[blparent] Talking about Death with a Preschooler

Tue Mar 20 22:01:26 UTC 2012

Hello Jo Elizabeth,
I've had some experience with explaining death to kids/helping kids deal
with death, both as a parent and as a school counselor.  First of all, your
pediatrician's advice is very giood.  Being concrete is important.  Also, I
think it's fine to talk about the fact that when people die it's all right
to feel sad, and to miss the person.  Sometimes when people are sad they may
cry, and crying is all right even for adults when they feel this way.  I
agree it might be a little scary for a child to see adults upset, but I
really believe it's important to let her know that adults have these
feelings too, and just because they are upset does not mean she should be
scared, or that they will always be upset.  I hope that makes sense.
	Of course, anger can also be a natural reaction to death.  I
probably wouldn't bring this up to Sarah though, unless she expresses anger
at Mr. Jim for dying, or God for taking him away.  If she does, telling her
that you understand her feelings and that it's all right to feel that way is
good.  Again, she probably won't go there, but you never can tell with kids,
so it would be good for you to be prepared for this possible reaction.  If
Sarah doesget angry, helping her express this in safe ways is most
important, and also letting her know that sometimes we feel feelings at the
same time--like sadness and anger together--and that it's also all right to
cry when we are angry.
	Attending the memorial service is completely up to you and your
beliefs.  Sometimes it's nice for kids to be able to say goodbye in that
way, and sometimes it's not.  I would encourage you though to let Sarah talk
about Mr. Jim, and give her ways to remember him/say goodbye if she wants
to.  These might be drawing a special picture, gathering things he's given
her together, having you help her write down memories, or anything else you
or she feels might be helpful.  Don't push this however.  If she wants to
say goodbye in one of these ways, great.  If not, then that's fine as well,
as long as you and she have talked and she understands what death means.
Also, don't be surprised if she starts asking questions about death even
months down the road, or all of a sudden gets more upset about Mr. Jim not
being at church a few months from now.  Kids often grieve for people months
or even years down the road because they feel the loss differently as they
enter into different developmental stages.
	My father died in October of 2010.  Austin was almost four at the
time.  This was somewhat of a different situation, as my dad lived far
enough away that we didn't see him very often, and we also had some warning
about his passing.  I had to travel to WI without Austin for a couple of
weeks before my dad actually died, so that was stressful in its own way.  My
husband and I told Austin as much as he could understand about my dad dying.
We did bring him with us to the visitation for a short while, and also to
the funeral, but I didn't want him at the actual cemetery.  We still talk
about my dad once in awhile, and I always try to tell him stories about his
grandpa so we can keep his memory alive.  I let Austin know it was all right
to talk about his grandpa and his feelings, and shared a little about how I
was feeling.  This seemed to help him.
	I think as long as Sarah feels she can communicate her feelings to
you, and that it's not a bad thing to talk about/remember Mr. Jim and the
wonderful person he was, even if it does make people a little sad, she will
be all right.  Death is such a tough thing even for adults to deal with; I'm
so glad you are wanting to help Sarah deal with it in the best way possible.
Melissa

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Jo Elizabeth Pinto
Sent: Monday, March 19, 2012 11:45 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: [blparent] Talking about Death with a Preschooler

Hi.  I'm wondering if any of you have had to help your kids deal with the
death of someone they knew well.  A member of our church died suddenly
yesterday.  As many of you know, my family hasn't really been there for
Sarah, so this man was a grandfather figure for her.  She called him Mr.
Jim.  We saw him every week, he came to all four of her birthday parties,
his two granddaughters were like fun older cousins.  She often went and sat
on his lap during church services just because she liked to hang out with
him.  There's a man in his eighties at our church who has been very sick,
and I sort of had it in my mind that he would be the one I would have to
explain to Sarah.  But Mr. Jim was only seventy-seven and in good health, as
far as he or anybody knew.  He went to bed feeling achy Sunday morning, like
he had the flu coming on, and his son found him at five o'clock that
evening.  It just reminds us grown-ups how fragile life is, and how we never
know when the end will come.

I talked to Sarah's pediatrician, since we were in for another ear infection
this afternoon.  She said to be very concrete and to the point about death.
Mr. Jim was old, and his body didn't work anymore, so he won't be coming
back.  It seems so cold and heartless, but like the doctor said, kids don't
understand all the nice ways we use to soften reality.  Don't say he got
sick because then the child will be scared that if she gets sick, or a
parent does, death might come.  Don't say he went away, because then the
child will worry when the parents go away, thinking they might not come
back.

I already made the mistake when a friend's dog died of saying he went to be
with God, and Sarah decided that since we have church in a local hotel, that
God must live there.  So I said no, he lives way far up in the sky, and she
decided we had to take the elevator.  For several weeks, she would go and
push the elevator buttons at the hotel and watch to see if God and the dog
came out.  Strike one for my explanations.

At first I was thinking I wouldn't say anything to Sarah till we didn't see
Mr. Jim in church next week, but if she gets upset then, it will be hard on
the granddaughters, who are probably going to be there.  I'm thinking maybe
Sarah shouldn't go to a memorial service, which there will be, although we
don't know any of the details yet about what the family wants.  My sister
took her kids to the services when my grandma died two years ago, and even
to the cemetery for the burial, and I thought four was awfully young to be
exposing my niece to all of that.  I tend to be called stoic when it comes
to these things, so I'm not worried about getting overemotional myself, but
I was thinking it might upset Sarah if she sees a lot of people she cares
about sad and crying.  But if I don't take her to the memorial, then is
there some other way to let her express her feelings?  I'm just wondering if
any of you have dealt with this yet, and if so, what reactions you got.
Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm on the right track, or off in left field
somewhere.

Jo Elizabeth

"How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young,
compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of
the weak and the strong.  Because someday in life you will have been all of
these."--George Washington Carver, 1864-1943, American scientist
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