[blparent] Update: Talking about Death with a Preschooler
Jo Elizabeth Pinto
jopinto at msn.com
Wed Mar 21 03:42:56 UTC 2012
Thanks, Melissa, and everyone, for the helpful tips.
Just as an update, Sarah and I were sitting out on the porch swing doing
bubbles today, which is one of her favorite warm weather activities, so I
took the chance to let her in on the sad news. I said to her calmly and in
a matter-of-fact way that I had something to tell her about Mr. Jim. I told
her that his body had gotten too old to work right anymore and so he had
died, and we wouldn't be seeing him at church or anywhere. She remembered
my friend's dog who had died, so she said oh, like Rollie. I said yes, and
she said Rollie had gone to live with God. I told her that was true. She
asked if she would go to live with God when her body didn't work right
anymore, and I said yes. She asked when that would happen, and I said
probably not for a very long time. I told her that most, although not all,
people lived to be very old, like Hat, which is her nickname for another old
man who goes to our church. She said oh, okay, and went back to the
bubbles. That was that, although I know she may have more questions later,
especially when she doesn't see Mr. Jim in church next time.
The memorial service won't have a casket, since the family has opted for
cremation, so I'm thinking I'll take Sarah with me if I can find someone who
isn't particularly affected by the situation to go along as her escort.
That way if she gets tired of sitting still, the person can take her out of
the sanctuary, or if she gets disturbed by seeing so many sad people, she
can be diverted. If I can't find an escort, I may not take Sarah with me
because the service will be at an unfamiliar location, and I wouldn't want
to interfere with anyone by asking for help if we had to leave the service
or make a trip to the bathroom or the like. Ordinarily, I don't mind
asking, but in this case, I'm thinking it might be awkward, depending on who
is crying when. I've gotten teary-eyed myself a few times, especially as
the day wears on and I get tired, and since I've had to do a lot of the
arrangements with the family on behalf of our church.
Thanks again for the helpful ideas in a stressful time.
Jo Elizabeth
"How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young,
compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of
the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of
these."--George Washington Carver, 1864-1943, American scientist
--------------------------------------------------
From: "Melissa Ann Riccobono" <melissa at riccobono.us>
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2012 4:01 PM
To: "'Blind Parents Mailing List'" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [blparent] Talking about Death with a Preschooler
> Hello Jo Elizabeth,
> I've had some experience with explaining death to kids/helping kids deal
> with death, both as a parent and as a school counselor. First of all,
> your
> pediatrician's advice is very giood. Being concrete is important. Also,
> I
> think it's fine to talk about the fact that when people die it's all right
> to feel sad, and to miss the person. Sometimes when people are sad they
> may
> cry, and crying is all right even for adults when they feel this way. I
> agree it might be a little scary for a child to see adults upset, but I
> really believe it's important to let her know that adults have these
> feelings too, and just because they are upset does not mean she should be
> scared, or that they will always be upset. I hope that makes sense.
> Of course, anger can also be a natural reaction to death. I
> probably wouldn't bring this up to Sarah though, unless she expresses
> anger
> at Mr. Jim for dying, or God for taking him away. If she does, telling
> her
> that you understand her feelings and that it's all right to feel that way
> is
> good. Again, she probably won't go there, but you never can tell with
> kids,
> so it would be good for you to be prepared for this possible reaction. If
> Sarah doesget angry, helping her express this in safe ways is most
> important, and also letting her know that sometimes we feel feelings at
> the
> same time--like sadness and anger together--and that it's also all right
> to
> cry when we are angry.
> Attending the memorial service is completely up to you and your
> beliefs. Sometimes it's nice for kids to be able to say goodbye in that
> way, and sometimes it's not. I would encourage you though to let Sarah
> talk
> about Mr. Jim, and give her ways to remember him/say goodbye if she wants
> to. These might be drawing a special picture, gathering things he's given
> her together, having you help her write down memories, or anything else
> you
> or she feels might be helpful. Don't push this however. If she wants to
> say goodbye in one of these ways, great. If not, then that's fine as
> well,
> as long as you and she have talked and she understands what death means.
> Also, don't be surprised if she starts asking questions about death even
> months down the road, or all of a sudden gets more upset about Mr. Jim not
> being at church a few months from now. Kids often grieve for people
> months
> or even years down the road because they feel the loss differently as they
> enter into different developmental stages.
> My father died in October of 2010. Austin was almost four at the
> time. This was somewhat of a different situation, as my dad lived far
> enough away that we didn't see him very often, and we also had some
> warning
> about his passing. I had to travel to WI without Austin for a couple of
> weeks before my dad actually died, so that was stressful in its own way.
> My
> husband and I told Austin as much as he could understand about my dad
> dying.
> We did bring him with us to the visitation for a short while, and also to
> the funeral, but I didn't want him at the actual cemetery. We still talk
> about my dad once in awhile, and I always try to tell him stories about
> his
> grandpa so we can keep his memory alive. I let Austin know it was all
> right
> to talk about his grandpa and his feelings, and shared a little about how
> I
> was feeling. This seemed to help him.
> I think as long as Sarah feels she can communicate her feelings to
> you, and that it's not a bad thing to talk about/remember Mr. Jim and the
> wonderful person he was, even if it does make people a little sad, she
> will
> be all right. Death is such a tough thing even for adults to deal with;
> I'm
> so glad you are wanting to help Sarah deal with it in the best way
> possible.
> Melissa
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of Jo Elizabeth Pinto
> Sent: Monday, March 19, 2012 11:45 PM
> To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: [blparent] Talking about Death with a Preschooler
>
> Hi. I'm wondering if any of you have had to help your kids deal with the
> death of someone they knew well. A member of our church died suddenly
> yesterday. As many of you know, my family hasn't really been there for
> Sarah, so this man was a grandfather figure for her. She called him Mr.
> Jim. We saw him every week, he came to all four of her birthday parties,
> his two granddaughters were like fun older cousins. She often went and
> sat
> on his lap during church services just because she liked to hang out with
> him. There's a man in his eighties at our church who has been very sick,
> and I sort of had it in my mind that he would be the one I would have to
> explain to Sarah. But Mr. Jim was only seventy-seven and in good health,
> as
> far as he or anybody knew. He went to bed feeling achy Sunday morning,
> like
> he had the flu coming on, and his son found him at five o'clock that
> evening. It just reminds us grown-ups how fragile life is, and how we
> never
> know when the end will come.
>
> I talked to Sarah's pediatrician, since we were in for another ear
> infection
> this afternoon. She said to be very concrete and to the point about
> death.
> Mr. Jim was old, and his body didn't work anymore, so he won't be coming
> back. It seems so cold and heartless, but like the doctor said, kids
> don't
> understand all the nice ways we use to soften reality. Don't say he got
> sick because then the child will be scared that if she gets sick, or a
> parent does, death might come. Don't say he went away, because then the
> child will worry when the parents go away, thinking they might not come
> back.
>
> I already made the mistake when a friend's dog died of saying he went to
> be
> with God, and Sarah decided that since we have church in a local hotel,
> that
> God must live there. So I said no, he lives way far up in the sky, and
> she
> decided we had to take the elevator. For several weeks, she would go and
> push the elevator buttons at the hotel and watch to see if God and the dog
> came out. Strike one for my explanations.
>
> At first I was thinking I wouldn't say anything to Sarah till we didn't
> see
> Mr. Jim in church next week, but if she gets upset then, it will be hard
> on
> the granddaughters, who are probably going to be there. I'm thinking
> maybe
> Sarah shouldn't go to a memorial service, which there will be, although we
> don't know any of the details yet about what the family wants. My sister
> took her kids to the services when my grandma died two years ago, and even
> to the cemetery for the burial, and I thought four was awfully young to be
> exposing my niece to all of that. I tend to be called stoic when it comes
> to these things, so I'm not worried about getting overemotional myself,
> but
> I was thinking it might upset Sarah if she sees a lot of people she cares
> about sad and crying. But if I don't take her to the memorial, then is
> there some other way to let her express her feelings? I'm just wondering
> if
> any of you have dealt with this yet, and if so, what reactions you got.
> Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm on the right track, or off in left field
> somewhere.
>
> Jo Elizabeth
>
> "How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young,
> compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant
> of
> the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all
> of
> these."--George Washington Carver, 1864-1943, American scientist
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