[blparent] Diffusing Temper Tantrums (Part of Whoserulesshouldtake precedence?)

Robert Shelton rshelton1 at gmail.com
Fri Sep 7 02:41:01 UTC 2012 

Control is control.  There are those who want it.  Some of them see
blindness as a tool -- a weakness they can exploit.  Be strong, be prepared,
and be confident.
-----Original Message-----
From: Jo Elizabeth Pinto [mailto:jopinto at msn.com] 
Sent: Wednesday, September 05, 2012 1:47 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Diffusing Temper Tantrums (Part of
Whoserulesshouldtake precedence?)

It's hard to sort out the reasons for someone wanting to be in control. 
Sometimes it's blindness related, sometimes it might be just the way that
person is.  That's true.

Jo Elizabeth

I am somehow less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein's
brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and
died in cotton fields and sweatshops.--Stephen Jay Gould -----Original
Message-----
From: Marla Wertman
Sent: Wednesday, September 05, 2012 12:03 PM
To: Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: Re: [blparent] Diffusing Temper Tantrums (Part of
Whoserulesshouldtake precedence?)

It is not always a blind vs sighted thing though. I'm not sure about this
particular situation. But there are just people who like to be in control no
matter what. My Mom is one of those people and I get it just as much as my
sighted brother. Yes sometimes sighted people try to take over because they
don't think the blind parent is capable, but not every problem is going to
be because of blindness.  Having said this I do believe that certain people
need to be avoided if they are in any way showing a child that their blind
parent is not capable.

On Wed, 5 Sep 2012 07:23:01 -0500
"Peggy" <pshald at neb.rr.com> wrote:

> I agree here, it was said if she didn't like the food she could go 
> hungry, she walked away and then was forced to eat the food, if you 
> don't eat what's on your plate, you go hungry, that's the rule around 
> here and she was given that option then it was changed on her when she 
> chose not to eat.  I don't believe you should ever force a child to 
> eat ... first of all it can lead to problems later on in life with 
> weight and second, would you like to eat something you really really 
> don't like to eat??  Yeah me neither.  But the rules were changed on 
> her, poor kid, if you don't like it then go hungry ...
> wait wait get back here and eat what's on your plate ... Um be 
> consistant!!
> Good luck with this whole situation Jo Elizabeth and I'm still under 
> the belief that it's your kid, it's your rules she follows no matter 
> who's house, and I do believe at times sighted folks take over because 
> they don't think you can handle or know what your kid is up to!!  Good 
> luck.
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Marla Wertman
> Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 4:07 PM
> To: Blind Parents Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [blparent] Diffusing Temper Tantrums (Part of Whose 
> rulesshouldtake precedence?)
>
> I agree with Kate. My parents did not make us eat food we didn't like, 
> but they didn't make special things for us if we didn't like what was 
> served.This is a difficult one. But my feelings are that if someone is 
> caring for your child in their home then the child must follow their 
> rules even if they are different from yours. If you as the parent are 
> present however, then you make the rules, but you can't expect people 
> to prepare special food for your child.
> On Tue, 4 Sep 2012 16:59:03 -0400
> "Kate McEachern" <kflsouth at gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > I think food at some one elses house is a tricky thing.  If you 
> > truly don't like the food and the person doesn't know, its just rude 
> > not to eat some of it.  Yes, your choice is to be hungry but your 
> > still being polight.  My two girls know most of the time they eat 
> > what there given or they don't eat till the next meal.  Because food 
> > is food, it doesn't matter if you like it.
> > So
> > I can see the food being tricky.  If one of my Daughter's friends 
> > was here for dinner and chose not to eat I wouldn't be upset if they 
> > either tried it or polightly declined to eat.  But if they kept at 
> > me to make them something else after the rule was explaned, then I 
> > would be anoyed.  And a tantrem would get them sent home.
> >
> > Just my thoughts.
> >  Katie
> > ----- Original Message -----
> > From: "Jo Elizabeth Pinto" <jopinto at msn.com>
> > To: "Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
> > Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 12:55 PM
> > Subject: Re: [blparent] Diffusing Temper Tantrums (Part of Whose 
> > rulesshould take precedence?)
> >
> >
> > > Oh, Nanna and I had words about the swatting incident.  Not 
> > > necessarily
> > > that it's never allowed, but I told her that was definitely not the
> > > first
> > > step in dealing with a temper tantrum as far as I'm concerned.  The
> > > issue
> > > arose when Nanna gave the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for
> > > lunch.  She didn't know Sarah had never liked peanut butter, and I
> > > wasn't
> > > there to tell her.  I assume Sarah didn't know or didn't remember till
> > > she
> > > got the sandwich that peanut butter was something she didn't care for.
> > > So
> > > she took a few nibbles and told Nanna she didn't like the sandwich.
> > > Nanna
> > > said she could either eat what was in front of her or go hungry, and
> > > Sarah, in a move I would have expected given the offered choices, laid
> > > down the sandwich and walked away from the table.  Nanna marched her
> > > back
> > > and said she had to eat, which I told her wasn't fair since she'd
> > > offered
> > > going hungry as one of the permitted options.  So Sarah started to 
> > > pitch
> > > a
> > > fit, which again wasn't unreasonable to me, and Nanna swatted her and
> > > made
> > > her sit down at the table and eat the sandwich.  Sarah ate it, but she
> > > told me later, "Mommy, it made my teeth feel funny."  What I said to
> > > Nanna
> > > was that she could have diffused the situation when Sarah first stated
> > > her
> > > dislike for the sandwich.  If she had gotten into a conversation about
> > > it,
> > > she might have realized that peanut butter made Sarah's teeth feel
> > > funny,
> > > and at least had some more information to go on.  But I said if she
> > > didn't
> > > see going hungry as one of the allowed options, then she shouldn't 
> > > have
> > > offered it.
> > >
> > > Actually, a learning moment came up at the barbecue, before the 
> > > dessert
> > > incident.  Sarah had asked for a cheeseburger, but there were no more
> > > burgers that had been grilled with the cheese melted on.  So Nanna 
> > > gave
> > > Sarah a hamburger with a piece of cold cheese on top.  Sarah started 
> > > to
> > > get upset, and Nanna was about to say something to her, but I told her
> > > to
> > > wait. Sarah gets frustrated when she can't find the words to express
> > > something quickly enough, and if pushed too hard, she'll go into a
> > > temper
> > > tantrum instead of thinking about the point she wants to get across. 
> > > So
> > > I
> > > had her take a few deep breaths, then asked her what she wanted to 
> > > say.
> > > She said, "Mom, it isn't sticky!"  I asked her what wasn't sticky, and
> > > she
> > > took my hand and put it on her burger with the cold piece of cheese on
> > > it.
> > > I picked up the cheese and asked her if that was what she meant, and 
> > > she
> > > said yes. The problem was she didn't want the cheese on the hamburger 
> > > if
> > > it wasn't melted.  So I explained to her what melted meant, and she 
> > > ate
> > > the hamburger without the cheese on it.  I wasn't about to eat the
> > > cheese
> > > because I don't like it, so Nanna ate it.  I had hoped Nanna would
> > > observe
> > > and realize I had a way of dealing with Sarah that tended to get the
> > > results I wanted better than responding with an iron fist, but then 
> > > the
> > > incident with the cake happened, so I guess the point wasn't made.
> > >
> > > Nanna has been a good friend to me, especially while I was pregnant 
> > > and
> > > a
> > > new mom, and didn't have my own mother to talk to.  She didn't get to
> > > watch her own grandchildren grow up because her daughter was in 
> > > another
> > > state and her son distanced himself from the family for a while.  So 
> > > she
> > > doted on Sarah from the beginning, and on me too, really.  She took 
> > > care
> > > of Sarah when I had my gallbladder out.  Once or twice a month, we've
> > > all
> > > gone on girls' day out, had lunch, maybe shopped a little.  Her
> > > pushiness
> > > does get to me often, especially because my personality is a little 
> > > more
> > > laid back than hers.  But what I told Sarah after the barbecue is that
> > > she
> > > needs to try really hard when she's with Nanna to stay calm and use 
> > > her
> > > words.  I'm also thinking of putting a signal in place for when Sarah 
> > > is
> > > alone with Nanna, something like, have Sarah tap her gently on the 
> > > hand
> > > and say, "Nanna, please let me tell you something."  I'll try to be
> > > around
> > > and support her in practicing that a few times if Nanna will buy into
> > > it,
> > > especially when there's nothing upsetting going on.   I don't want to
> > > break off a relationship that I think is beneficial to all of us.  I
> > > think
> > > I was reacting more to feeling pushed around than I was to the 
> > > question
> > > of
> > > the cake.  Also, some of our differing views about temper tantrums
> > > versus
> > > Sarah expressing herself in other ways will start to be non-issues as
> > > Sarah gets older and more confident in her verbal skills.  I'll just
> > > have
> > > to watch for other things that crop up.  Like Nanna telling Sarah 
> > > she'll
> > > teach her to sew in a few years--I was afraid she was going to say,
> > > "Because Mommy can't see to do it"--so I quickly interjected, "Yeah,
> > > because Mom doesn't enjoy that kind of thing."
> > >
> > > Jo Elizabeth
> > >
> > > I am somehow less interested in the weight and convolutions of
> > > Einstein's
> > > brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have 
> > > lived
> > > and died in cotton fields and sweatshops.--Stephen Jay Gould
> > > -----Original Message----- 
> > > From: Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC)
> > > Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 7:23 AM
> > > To: 'Blind Parents Mailing List'
> > > Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?
> > >
> > > Oh Jo Elizabeth I'd shutthe swatting down thing fast. Not. Cool!
> > > You two need to talk. Find out how you can defuse her since it seems 
> > > she
> > > can't do it herself. Sounds like she wants to but needs some kind of
> > > hint
> > > she's getting spun up and to just chill.
> > > Also think about why you've chosen this person to be a friend and why
> > > you
> > > continue to choose. You can always say no if need be.
> > > It sounds like she's doing a lot of old-school parenting but if you
> > > don't
> > > like it, then shut it down.
> > > I'm not as sure that your rules always win, you did choose to come to
> > > her
> > > house and people's houses do have different rules. Part of 
> > > participating
> > > in society is knowing how to balance my rules v. their rules.
> > >
> > >
> > > -----Original Message-----
> > > From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
> > > On
> > > Behalf Of Jo Elizabeth Pinto
> > > Sent: Monday, September 03, 2012 2:39 AM
> > > To: Blind Parents Mailing List
> > > Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?
> > >
> > > I guess maybe I could have gone a step further and not let her have 
> > > the
> > > cake
> > > at all, since I knew she was going to eat the frosting off and leave 
> > > the
> > > rest.  She always does that.  Nanna did see her with the cake, but I
> > > reached
> > > out and took it, so I knew how much was left.  A triangle piece, maybe
> > > the
> > > size of my palm.  Hardly worth going to war over, I suppose, except 
> > > that
> > > yesterday, Nanna swatted Sarah twice on the bottom and said, "Maybe 
> > > your
> > > mommy lets you get away with temper tantrums, but Nanna won't."  I
> > > don't,
> > > in
> > > fact, let my daughter have temper tantrums.  But I find that when she
> > > starts
> > > screeching and waving her arms around, it usually means she's 
> > > frustrated
> > > and
> > > can't find the words fast enough to say why.  So I'm willing to stop 
> > > her
> > > and
> > > make her calm down and take a deep breath, then think about what she
> > > wants
> > > to say and get her point across.  That's why I asked the original
> > > question,
> > > wondering if maybe I overreacted.  It sounds like most of the 
> > > consensus
> > > is
> > > that I did, which I appreciate hearing, in civil terms.  Nanna and I
> > > will
> > > get it figured out, but the bigger issue is that I have to stop her 
> > > when
> > > she
> > > does take over sometimes.  She's told me in the past that it's okay 
> > > for
> > > me
> > > to say she needs to back off a bit, but apparently when I did, it 
> > > wasn't
> > > right.  It all gets very confusing.  Still, it's called having family
> > > type
> > > relationships, and it takes work.  I don't believe there are only two
> > > legitimate choices, either walk away or give in.  I do believe it's 
> > > good
> > > for
> > > our children to see us resolve conflicts and go on loving those who 
> > > are
> > > in
> > > our world.
> > >
> > > Jo Elizabeth
> > >
> > > I am somehow less interested in the weight and convolutions of
> > > Einstein's
> > > brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have 
> > > lived
> > > and
> > > died in cotton fields and sweatshops.--Stephen Jay Gould
> > > -----Original Message-----
> > > From: Musiclady
> > > Sent: Monday, September 03, 2012 12:25 AM
> > > To: Blind Parents Mailing List
> > > Subject: Re: [blparent] Whose rules should take precedence?
> > >
> > > Personally, I would have gone with your nana.  Because she saw
> > > the kid with the cake, so she should deal with it.  I think it's
> > > important for our kids to receive correction for others not just
> > > us.
> > > Steph
> > >
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> -- 
> Marla Wertman <mwertman72 at gmail.com>
>
>
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-- 
Marla Wertman <mwertman72 at gmail.com>


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