[blparent] Update on my daughter Ashlee

[Steve Jacobson]

Bernadetta,

It would be good to understand better what was taken out of context since my interpretation of your comments were pretty similar 
to Rebecca's.  Perhaps there isn't much more to say on this, but I'd like to make the following points as myself and not as list 
moderator.

My wife and I adopted two kids, and we have known others who have adopted kids, so some of what I feel is based upon my experience 
and that of others.  

It would be to our disadvantage for us to take an adversarial position any time we came in contact with social workers or with 
child protection agencies.  We should not assume that all social service agencies are out to get us.  If we take such a position, 
it detracts from our overall need to present ourselves as good parents.

Having said that, we need to recognize that there is very little knowledge of how blind people live built into the training that 
most social service people get.  Even those who have degrees may often start out thinking in terms of what kind of a parent they 
would be with their eyes closed.  I have known of some who can never get past that.  On the other hand, I have had the pleasure to 
have worked with some who were willing to learn and listen.  However, it didn't happen by me sitting back and assuming it would 
all come out right.  I had to think about how to explain how I do things as a blind person every day that would never have had to 
be 
explained as a sighted person.  I had to have patience with people for whom the default view of me was that I was not capable of 
being a parent.  It was never a matter of anybody having it in for me, rather it was a matter of forming conclusions based upon 
what they thought they new about how blind people live.  There views were not based upon courses they had taken, rather their 
conclusions were based upon the knowledge they had of blind people that they had learned as they grew up.  

While there are going to be cases where blind and sighted people alike are not in a good position to be a good parent, I believe 
that supporting each other means that we have to be sure that none of us assumes that a judge knows what blind people can do, that 
a social service agency by default knows what a blind person can do, or that even a sighted x-spouse is necessarily completely 
aware of what a single blind parent can do.  In the case of custody battles between a blind and sighted parent, it is not always 
in the interest of either to represent the other positively.  I don't think we can afford to allow perspective parents to feel 
that if they are 
anything less than perfect parents that they should consider giving up a child if they are confronted by a social service agency, 
nor should the default view be that the social service agency knows best.  Sometimes they may know best, but often there needs to 
be educating done.
In the end, each of us has to make decisions that are right for us, but no decision is truly final until it is actually executed.

I also felt very uneasy with statements made earlier, and I don't remember who made them and it isn't important, that there should 
be consideration given to the fact that kids might be better off left where they were familiar, with the people whom they knew as 
parents.  What disturbed me is that this statement was made regarding foster parents, whom in my experience, are by definition not 
taking care of kids permanently.  Of course, some foster parents do raise children until they are adults, and foster parents in 
general serve an extremely worthy purpose and need to be recognized for that.  Their role is often to take care of kids until they 
are adopted which means another change.  Many foster parents specialize in children of a specific age group, in which case, it is 
a matter of time before the child will be separated from them.  Therefore, it seems a contradiction to me to maintain that a child 
is better off being left in a familiar but likely temporary situation rather than undergoing the stress of a change but being in a 
permanent situation.  Clearly there are numerous variables that have to be considered, how temporary is temporary and how 
permanent is permanent to name two. 

I do not mean to appear hard on you in particular, most of my comments are really meant as a more general response.  In the end, I 
do not judge or second guess Jes's decision.  I think, though, it is important for all of us to think about situations like this 
and to be sure we don't sell ourselves short.  Regardless of what support we show her, we also need to think of other parents 
reading what is written hear who may not be as far along in the decision-making process or as sure of themselves.  We need to 
prepare people for the fact that they may need to educate social service agencies and they need to do it in a positive manner even 
if they feel second-guessed.  Support comes in different flavors sometimes.

Best regards,

Steve Jacobson

On Tue, 29 Jan 2013 10:14:28 -0500, Bernadetta wrote:

>Rebecca, you're taking my comments out of context. I'm not willing to 
>drag out this particular conversation any longer because it's a moot 
>point, save for one last comment. Blind or sighted, some parents have 
>had their kids taken away. What I merely pointed out was that blindness 
>alone isn't a single factor which endangers parents. If it were, this 
>list wouldnt' exist or else it would be a different sort of list 
>entirely,  because all of us would be childless.
>Bernadetta

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