[blparent] Using your other senses to catch kids lying

[Judy Jones]

Hello,

My heart really goes out to you on this one.

My first thought as I read through this is that, you're right, the lying is 
a serious problem, and it can become an ingrained habit if not stopped right 
away.  And she needs to understand that lying is a serious offense for kids 
and adults alike.  The issue isn't the sweets but the lying.

A question also popped into my mind, what is causing her to think she has to 
lie about the sweets.  Why would she think she has to, and deal with that 
issue?  Did she disobey a rule by taking them to her room?

Maybe, all she needs to do is to ask first, or let you know when she is 
having sweets.  Would that solve the reason for lying?  Again, it's really 
not about the sweets, but whatever would force her to lie.

Also, I would not go with the circumstance of smelling candy on the breath. 
Although that could be true, many girl's chapsticks come in several candy 
flavors as well.  So, although it could be true, it may not necessarily be 
the case.

Then as your story progressed, as she cried and insisted she was telling the 
truth, my thought process. Changed.

Now, this may be a situation where you will need to seriously sit down with 
her and apologize, not because you are compromising your stand as an 
authority figure, but if you did this, and worked things out with her, this 
may be a moment she will remember for the rest of her life, and may pass on 
this lesson to her kids.  You will need to choose to believe her this time, 
and explain to her why you thought she may not have been telling the truth, 
so she can understand where you are coming from.  You can explain to her 
that parents can make mistakes, but the thing that will never never change 
is that you love her, and want her to grow up into a beautiful young lady 
who understands right from wrong.  This is a good time to help her to 
understand that she can come to you with anything and be believed and safe. 
You can say something like, "I choose to believe you now, and I'm sorry if I 
came down on you, but you do understand about telling the truth always, no 
matter how impossible it may seem sometimes, right?"

Let her know that adults, too, can get caught up in lying if they are not 
careful, and sometimes this is caused by a stressful moment, or being afraid 
of reprocussions, but the truth is always the best course regardless.  We 
told our daughters that even though they may get into trouble, it is always 
best to tell the truth from the start, because even if in trouble, will not 
be as hard on them.  And one of our daughters recently quoted this back to 
me, so apparently it stuck.  They are both 28 and 25 now.

My mother told a story which fits in with this.  She was accused of a 
wrong-doing as a child that really looked like she had done it, when she 
actually hadn't.  But when she tried to explain to her mom, Mom was going by 
the circumstantial evidence and didn't believe her and punished her.

Now, she and her mom had a good relationship, and my mom was in fact rightly 
punished for thing she did and shouldn't have done, but that one story stuck 
with her the rest of her life, about the one time her mom wouldn't believe 
her

Do you have a story in your life where you may have been caught up in a lie 
and learned from it?  Relate it if appropriate.  That will be an excellent 
lesson for her how her dad was in trouble and either overcame it with the 
truth, or what he should have done.  You won't lose your stance as her 
authority figure with isolated moments of vulnerability.  It's a trust 
issue, and there are going to be moments when you will need to trust her, as 
she trusts you.

Also, tell her the thing about lying is, that, you tell one, then you have 
to tell another to back up the one you told, then another to back up the 
second, then another, and another, and inevitably don't remember the first 
one you told in the chain, plus, this always catches up to you in the end, 
whether it is an hour later, day later, week, month, or years later with 
worse consequences.  The best thing to do is to come clean ASAP.

Also, another thing to tell her is that one loses the trust of others, 
because lying catches up with you, and then you gain the rep of not being 
relied upon.

One time, when our eldest was much younger, she wanted to be excused from 
the table.  Her plate was clean, so we excused her.  A few minutes later, I 
found her dinner in the trash, as there was  a new garbage bag in the trash 
can, with no other garbage.

We sat her down and confronted her with the seriousness of lying.  She was 
actually full and couldn't finish her dinner.  We let her know that that is 
understandable, and that an explanation would have been okay.  That was the 
issue that forced her to lie, in her mind.  Another instance of enforcing 
that they can come to us, but always tell the truth.

Anyway, I hope this helps you.  Being a tween can be a hard thing, and this 
isn't the first time she will be tempted to lie, we are all faced with the 
temptation, but the answer is to help her recognize the road signs of going 
down that path, of what could tempt her to lie in future, and help her avoid 
the temptation to lie.

Judy

-----Original Message----- 
From: Nate Trela via blparent
Sent: Sunday, March 22, 2015 10:49 PM
To: blparent at nfbnet.org
Subject: [blparent] Using your other senses to catch kids lying

Short ime lurker, first-time poster ...

I am a blind dad of two sighted kids (12 year old daughter, 8 year old
son), blind for three years and divorced about a year with 50-50
custody. My 12-year-old daughter lately has had a pattern of highly
improbable, but slightly possible, explanations for things. Or to be
more blunt, I am pretty sure she is lying about things she is doing
but haven't felt 100% sure - or certain enough to metaphorically throw
the book at her.

The problems revolve around sweets - she is almost certainly sneaking
treats, probably four suspicious events in the last six months. For
example, I found an empty  box of Girl Scout cookies in her room when
I brought something up there a few weeks ago; when I confronted her
about it, she said a lot of the girls at the performing arts school
she is going to had been eating such cookies and she thought the empty
box must have fallen into her bag because of the way they store their
bags outside of their dance studio. (I have seen the way it is set up
and she has ended up with other kids' stuff in her bag before, but the
box was slightly under her bed, like she shoved it under to hide it.)
My instincts were going off, but it was plausible. I did not notice
crumbs in her room or cookied breath. I was pretty suspicious but not
sure I could "convict."

Then tonight after my daughter came downstairs, my girlfriend let me
know she smelled candy on her breath. I thought I might have noticed
it too; it was the same kind of smell from a bag of Easter candy I had
left on my desk. I came upstairs and thought the bag was not how I
left it. I confronted my daughter, told her what I smelled and that
the bag was not how I left it on my desk, told her I knew she was
sneaking candy and that I didn't believe her when she insisted she did
not take it.

I have stressed that lying is never acceptable in my house. I usually
know her tells - and including that point where I feel pretty
confident she is not lying after heavy questioning. To date, that
threshold has been when she cried, but she cried tonight, insisting
she did not take the candy. I told her I did not believe her, that the
cover up was far worse than the crime, and sent her to bed.

So I am at a loss ... my girlfriend's instincts are impeccable and her
senses (particularly of smell) are far stronger than mine. I think it
is likely my daughter took the candy, but either she has gotten far
better at lying to me or she is telling the truth.

So what is the threshold you would use to "convict" your kid of lying.
I tried to think how this would have played out when I could see.
Because of the layout of our house, I would not have seen her go for
the candy and probably would not have noticed it on her breath. But
would I have accused her so forcefully - would I have felt as certain
when I could see that she was lying if I didn't actually see what
happen. I doubt I could have seen "candy residue" in her mouth or
anything like that.

On one hand, I know I have to trust my other senses more than I did
when I was sighted. My son, when I first lost my vision, tried
everything he could to test the boundaries and figure out what he
could get away with. (Short answer - a lot more than now.) Because my
girlfriend has been blind all her life and used alternative techniques
forever, she has much more certainty about what she sees, hears,
smells, etc.  I still second guess myself a lot and my daughter has a
reservoir of trust built up over the years. I don't think she is
trying to test what she can get away with a blind parent - it is just
that she is a tween. There will be testing of boundaries. There will
be lying, just like she probably does with her sighted mother.

So any feedback would be appreciated as I try to figure out how to
navigate this mess. Any suggestions for catching her red handed? How
do you deal with suspected lying from your kids?  How would you prove
this one to yourself?

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