[Faith-talk] Daily Thought for Monday, July 21, 2014

[Paul]

Well folks, another Monday is here, as it always comes every seven days, like the other days of the week.  I hope that you are all doing well, by God's matchless grace and His providential care.

Here is an article with some good advice in it written by Tammy Darling, a writer from Pennsylvania.  It's entitled "Learning To Listen" and is rendered as follows:

How often do we think about a response while our spouse is talking? Or assume we know or understand what the other is saying? How about interrupting our spouse while he or she is talking? Or maybe tune the other out altogether?

Someone once said that the most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and to be understood.  Often we come up short on both counts.  Mark Twain said it best:  "If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two mouths and one ear."

We become poor listeners out of habit.  These listening behaviors have been acquired and reinforced over the years.  Poor listening makes good communication impossible and can result in misunderstandings.  When my husband and I first got married we were not interested in listening to one another--we simply wanted to be heard.  As a result, any efforts at real communication were a disaster and usually ended in an argument.  Over the years we have come to see the importance and value of truly listening to one another.

Consider the many benefits of good listening within a marriage:

Good listening directs conversations toward important topics.  Since spouses don't have a plethora of time to converse one-to-one, cutting idle chatter is vitally important.

Being a good listener shows your spouse you care.  As a result, your spouse will enjoy talking to you and will be more open with you.

It's reassuring for your partner to know you're "Safe"--someone who won't criticize or use put-downs, and who will always lend an ear.

Good listening fosters a more intimate, meaningful relationship.  When you're better able to understand where your spouse is coming from, it reduces your frustration and irritation with him or her.



To really listen to your spouse is more than just hearing the words.  It is truly understanding and accepting the other person's message.  True listening is listening intently and identifying closely so that you experience the other person's situation, thoughts, and emotions.

There are a few barriers to good listening that we need to guard against:

Trying to be a mind reader, assuming we already know what our spouse is going to say or how he or she is feeling.

Planning what to say next, especially common during disputes--just when good communication is needed most.

Constantly comparing ourselves to our spouses ("I've had it worse than you)." 

Filtering so we hear only what we want to hear.

Judging our spouse to be boring, stupid, immature, hostile, etc. before he or she is even finished speaking.

Changing the subject or laughing it off to avoid a spouse discussion.

Placating our spouse by automatically agreeing in an attempt to get him or her to be quiet.



Everyone wants to be listened to, but that's especially difficult for spouses, who, on average, talk only about 10-20 minutes per day.  Combine that with poor listening skills and it's no wonder communication is one of the biggest complaints of couples.

To have a healthy relationship, good listening skills are a must.  Practice the following tips on a daily basis and you'll soon become a good listener:

When your spouse starts talking to you--stop what you're doing.  M. Scott Peck, author of "The Road Less Traveled," has said, "You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time." Listening itself is an active rather than a passive activity.  It's hard to listen if you're preoccupied with other tasks or are considering what you are going to say.  True listening is honoring and an act of love.

Listen with an open mind.  A subject that may seem trivial or boring at first can turn out to be fascinating if you listen with an open mind.  You cannot fully hear your spouse's point of view accurately or process information when you argue mentally or judge what is being said before he or she has finished speaking.

Provide feedback.  Show your spouse you understand by nodding your head, and, if appropriate, interjecting an occasional "I see" or "Yes." Demonstrate respect by responding in such a way that will show you're taking the other seriously.  For example, "That's very interesting.  I never realized you felt that way."

Listen reflectively.  Mirror back what your spouse says to you, restating his or her feelings in your own words.  For example, "I hear you saying that you're angry because I spent $50 that wasn't in our budget." This not only help you to understand the other's thoughts and feelings, it also helps the speaker know he or she has been heard.

Listen with your eyes and heart as well as your ears.  We don't always say what we mean so facial expressions, vocal tone, and gestures are accurate indicators of a person's attitude and emotional state.  Is his or her posture open and friendly or closed and cold? Is the facial expression friendly or accusatory? It's easy to see how these factors can influence how the same words will be received.  Eye contact is essential because that's how we pick up on the nonverbal signals all people send when they're speaking.

Don't jump to conclusions.  We sometimes interpret a speaker's words incorrectly due to varying backgrounds, culture, experience, knowledge, or attitudes.  Our own emotional reactions to what has been said can also cause misunderstandings.  For example, our spouse may say something that triggers our hurt, anger, insecurity, or defensiveness (not necessarily related to the speaker), and in turn we become distracted, unable to listen accurately.

Fight distractions.  Distractions, such as other people, traffic or TV can be minimized by positioning yourself away from them whenever possible.  If you find yourself drifting away while listening, physically change your body position and refocus.  Consciously move your mind to concentrate on what the other person is saying.  As our awareness develops, our minds become quiet and concentrated.



Everybody wants an opportunity to get their ideas, thoughts and opinions across, and a good listener lets them do just that.  But just knowing about good listening skills is not enough; we must apply these skills.  So while listening is the beginning of understanding, wisdom is the reward for a lifetime of listening.

And there you have Tammy's article which I trust was a blessing for you.

I understand that it is primarily directed toward married couples, but those of us who are single hopefully can glean something from it.  In fact, on an email list that I'm a part of we're in a somewhat contentious discussion about a matter which I won't go into.  I hope and pray that some suggestions here will be of help to members of this particular group.

And now may the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob just keep us safe, individually and collectively, in these last days in which we live.  Lord willing, tomorrow there will be another Daily Thought message for you.  Your Christian friend and brother, Paul