[Fopbc] Fw: [acb-hsp] Advice for Parents of Bullies

[Sherri]

I totally agree with what is stated below and hope no one is offended that I 
passed it on.

Sherri

> Advice for Parents of Bullies
>   Marybeth Hicks
>   A week ago, the tragic suicide of Rutgers University
> freshman Tyler Clementi prompted me and countless other
> columnists to consider the rising rates of bullying among our
> nationbs youth and young adults.
>   Clementi was the apparent victim of an invasion of privacy
> when a fellow student allegedly used a hidden camera to stream Mr.
> Clementi's sexual liaison over the Internet.  The humiliation
> of this incident led to his decision to end his life by
> jumping off the George Washington Bridge.
>   The nation is still reeling from this and several other
> recent suicides attributed to ongoing bullying and harassment.
> Meanwhile, news stories of more incidents of bullying are
> becoming as regular as the weather report.
>   To wit: Monday's headlines included this from CBSP-HILLYDDCOM:
> "Delaware Teen Knocks Over Portable Toilet With Boy Inside."
> This time, according to the report, a 14-year-old bully
> threatened a group of 7-year-olds in a Newark, Del.  park
> until one of them, in an attempt to diffuse the threats,
> complied with the bully's demand that he enter a portable toilet.
>   The older boy then knocked over the toilet, leaving the
> younger child screaming and covered in human waste.
>   Reports say the bully laughed and walked away, while the
> victimbs young companions scurried to get their pal out of the
> unit and find help.  Astonishing.
>   Just as reports of bullying seem to be on the rise, so too
> are advice columns telling parents how to deal with this
> destructive behavior.  The headline of one sent to me this
> week by the parenting web site Momlogicddcom caught my eye:
> "What if your kid's the bully?"
>   Assuming anyone whose child truly is a bully ever reads
> parenting advice columns (doubtful), you'd hope this article
> would do some good.  But what I found in it is the same
> pop-psychology message that has undermined the development of
> conscience and character for at least a generation -- the
> "feel good" parenting advice to "condemn the behavior, not
> your child."
> The article says parents should define bullying as
> "unacceptable," but it discourages parents from couching the
> issue in terms our children need most of all: Bullying
> reflects that you are bad.
>   Supposedly, bullies behave aggressively toward others
> because they themselves lack self-esteem, or because they seek
> to fulfill a need for power that perhaps is missing at home.
> They ought to be excused to a degree because they only act on
> emotional needs for which they're not responsible.  Therefore,
> the expert says, don't make matters worse.  Rather than
> condemn the bully, teach him to be empathetic towards others,
> especially those who are different.
>   Regarding such advice I say: Thanks, parenting expert, for
> helping our society raise the kinds of kids who would force a
> seven-year-old into a Porta-jon only to knock it over.  Which
> is to say, thanks for helping perpetuate an increase of Bad Kids.
>   Because of "expert" advice such as this, we're so consumed
> with protecting the feelings and self-esteem of our children
> -- even bullies -- that as a society, we've adopted the worst
> habits of the most unskilled parents.  There's a huge
> difference between telling a child, "I love you
> unconditionally," and saying, "You are always good, even if
> you do bad things." The first statement should be
> non-negotiable, but the second is a lie.
>   It's time to reconnect children's behavior to their character.
> The parents of bullies need to condemn both their children's
> actions and the character it reflects by speaking the truth:
> "You are turning into a bad boy.  Your words and actions are
> mean and they prove that you have developed a cruel and unkind heart."
>   But that's not all.  Children must also learn repentance (so
> much more effective than empathy -- and also the path to
> genuine respect for others, after all).  To do this, parents
> of bullies should lovingly say, "Together, we need to start
> over to teach you right from wrong so that you can show me and
> the whole world that you are a good person.  Anyone can go
> from bad to good.
> It's a decision only you can make and it will be reflected in
> your actions."
>   But hey, I'm no expert; I'm just a mom.
>   Marybeth Hicks is the author of Bringing up Geeks: How to
> Protect Your Kid's Childhood in a Grow-up-too-fast World
> (PenguinstBerkley, July 2008).
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