[nabs-l] friends

Tue Nov 4 06:29:18 UTC 2008

Hi all,

This is such an interesting topic and it is great to see such a lively
discussion!

I can definitely relate to the difficulties that many of you describe
with friendship and dating in the sighted world. In my experience the
problem goes both ways—some sighted people may keep us at arm's
length, but at least as much awkwardness can come from our own fears
of rejection or of trusting sighted acquaintances and opening up to
them. I often remind myself that I probably think about my blindness
in a social interaction much more than my sighted partner actually
does. As for dating, while I  agree that tensions between blind and
sighted can compound the tensions that can exist between the sexes
already, we also have to remember that thousands of blind people (in
the NFB and out) have found happy long-term romantic relationships,
both with blind  and sighted partners. So although blindness can
present challenges, it by no means sets us up for loneliness. Many of
the most prominent figures in the NFB are happily married, and I
figure that if they can do it, so can I.

And speaking of other blind people, I can't overstate the value and
joy that can come with building friendships with others who are
blind—for people of all ages. I think becoming friends with other
blind people where the normal tensions and awkwardness between blind
and sighted are absent is a great way to develop self-confidence and
practice other social skills, like listening, building trust, managing
conflicts and becoming a leader. Of course, this doesn't mean that we
should segregate from the sighted world and only associate with other
blind people—we can and should build connections with all kinds of
people around us and not restrict ourselves to just the blind or just
the sighted. But getting to know other blind people can be a great
support against the challenges of being regarded as second-class
citizens, and together we can work to share strategies for solving
blindness-related problems, as the NFB has clearly demonstrated.

In Phoenix where I grew  up, we had a local nonprofit organization
that sponsored weekend programs and summer day camps for blind kids.
These programs were nothing like the NFB training centers in terms of
philosophy, but through my participation I was lucky enough to meet
other blind kids around my age who were, and still are, some of my
closest friends. I first started meeting these kids at the end of
elementary school. Though I have been blind all my life and never
thought blindness was really a big deal, it was around that time when
I really started to understand that "blindness mattered" to other
sighted kids and adults. In the sighted world around me (at school,
Hebrew school or with my family) I was generally quiet and
well-behaved and focused on my schoolwork. But when I got with my
blind peers, I would get talkative, joke around, flirt with boys, and
even help mastermind  some good-natured pranks on the other kids and
teachers. I still remember running around on the playground at the day
camp and feeling totally free—not being told that I had to sit out the
action because I was blind, not being tethered to some kid's elbow
when I wanted to go somewhere, and being teased in a fun way by the
other kids instead of just being treated politely or ignored. Since
the blind kids around me treated me like their equal, I was free to be
myself, reveal my insecurities, take social risks and eventually
assert myself as a leader in the group. I still feel the same sense of
freedom today when I meet new "partners in crime" in the NFB (although
my prankster days are, mostly, behind me!) Today most of my close
friends happen to be blind—and yet, despite my introverted tendencies
and worries about not fitting in with the sighted, I have been able to
take some big social risks. I spent five months in a foreign country
where I knew nobody, sighted or blind, for example. I seriously doubt
that I would have had the confidence or the social skill to do that or
to become active in groups on campus if I had not had those early deep
connections with blind peers and the ones I have today in the NFB.

As ambitious blind students who strive for the best, we can sit and
criticize the indecent behavior going on at our chapter meetings. We
can be part of the solution by giving our blind friends feedback about
their social behavior. Or we can go further—by reaching out to the
blind community around us and seeking out mentors, friends and
mentees. Each of us has a lot to learn from others around us who are
blind, and a lot to teach them as well. That is the beauty of our
organization, and I hope we can all make the most of it.

Cheers
Arielle

On 11/4/08, Sarah Jevnikar <sarah.jevnikar at utoronto.ca> wrote:
> Yeah for sure. I still struggle with athletics. It's a tough one - I'll
> think on it and see what I come up with.
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf
> Of Heather Rasmussen
> Sent: Monday, November 03, 2008 10:10 PM
> To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] freinds
>
>
>> Date: Mon, 3 Nov 2008 16:09:09 -0800> From: harryhogue at yahoo.com> To:
> nabs-l at nfbnet.org> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] freinds> > Great topic, guys.  I
> have never had really close friends, either.  Een in college, I neer
> developed close relationships--more like people I talk to during class, etc.
> Part of that is my personality--I get really quiet in a group and jsut
> naturally prefer to be in a smaller group of people (like one or two ther
> people).  I have joined the chess club--yes I am a nerd lol--and really like
> it, and get along great with those folks.  I go to the Spanish table once a
> weekand do other things--so I make a concerted effort.  It is good to know
> that I am not the only blind perso nthat suffers from these feelings.>  > I
> would loe to get out there and be able to play soccer--the real thing, not
> some weird modified ersion with sighted people helping.  Does anyone else
> feel this way?  If this is better addressed either off list or on the sports
> and rec list, that's fine.  Just thinking of extracurricular  activities
> that I would like to participate in but can't.  Soemthign we don't really
> say--but when we say that people can participate equally--I don't know that
> it is entirely true when it comes to sports.  Granted I've never done it the
> way they migh suggest, but bowling... I see no way of a totally blind person
> to bowl and get the same experience out of it with out sighted help that
> diminishes the experience; likewise, beep baseball and the other adapted
> sports.  Dont' mean to go off on something I don't know much about, but I
> think it does fit in well with our discussion of social integration and
> making friends, etc.  Thoughts?>  > Harry> > > --- On Mon, 11/3/08, Beth
> <thebluesisloose at gmail.com> wrote:> > From: Beth
> <thebluesisloose at gmail.com>> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] freinds> To: "National
> Association of Blind Students mailing list" <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>> Date:
> Monday, November 3, 2008, 1:56 PM> > You are right, Carey. The people in
> question could be too busy.> However, may I point out that my younger
> brother, eighteen years old,> already has a girlfriend and runs around
> everywhere with her? I am> envious of every sighted person who has a
> significant other, and you> know why he has her? Because he can immitate
> appropriate social> skills. I am a firm believer in having good social
> skills as a> prerequisite to scoring with the oppoite sex. The key to
> winning a> successful date and keeping that significant other is having
> good> social skills. I have a young man in college here at FSU who is a>
> friend, but he understands unlike the previous people I've dealt with,> the
> nature of blindness and its accessories because his mom had a> blind
> student. I've spoken to him and his mom about this issue and it> just makes
> sense that he wouldn't simply give up on me as a friend. I> admit I did a
> few things he didn't like, but then he admitted he> wouldn't give up.> Beth>
>> On 11/3/08, Carrie Gilmer <carrie.gilmer at gmail.com> wrote:> > I would just
> like to add to Beth and Hope,> >> > Jordan has not had many social offers
> himself. And he is well liked and> this> > is key-respected- in class and in
> the extra curricular groups. I have> found> > that blind people maybe
> especially need to be very pro-active on this. I> > told him once that to
> eat lunch with others he needed to initiate, or to> go> > out, he needed to
> call. I told him he was not like a Hollywood Star,> people> > were not going
> to line up to go out with him. In my own life, as a sighted> > person, I can
> tell you that nearly every one of my friendships are because> I> > my self
> kept in contact. I called, I made the lunch date, I invited them> > over, I
> remembered the birthday card. I have friends from grade school> > still, but
> most often I am the one to keep up the contact. It is often> that> > way,
> some people are better at it. I never care or make anyone feel it> >
> mattered if they haven't called me for three years, I don't even> listen to>
>> the "excuse" I just say forget it, how are you now, wanna do> lunch on> >
> Thursday and catch up?> >> > I know that there are people who will avoid the
> blindness, most are though> > just unsure. But I think it can affect fro
> your end too, in the can you> walk> > the walk you talk totally? Like that
> little girl I mentioned, IF your> skill> > level and independence is not
> truly equal that can effect. But on the> other> > hand kids know Jordan is
> equal to them in school, I think sometimes they> > don't realize he is
> equally independent out of school too. On the> other> > hand, he is often
> too busy to have any free time to go out, and these days> I> > know a lot of
> students (my husband is a high school teacher) who are high> > GPA, working
> jobs, volunteering and in extra curricular and they don't> have> > time much
> either. So I think they aren't calling like he isn't,> just too> > busy!> >>
>>> >> > Carrie Gilmer, President> > National Organization of Parents of
> Blind Children> > A Division of the National Federation of the Blind> > NFB
> National Center: > _______________________________________________> nabs-l
> mailing list> nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org> To unsubscribe,
> change your list options or get your account info for nabs-l:>
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/vaxite%40hotmail.com
> I can sympathize with all you people who don't have any friends.  I don't
> have any either.  It's kind of my fault, because, like Karry's son, I'm so
> busy with school that I really don't do much else right now.  Still, it's
> kind of depressing sometimes when I hear all these kid talk about what they
> did last weekend, or what they'll do Friday afternoon together after school.
> Then there's the problem that I go to a small school where anyone who didn't
> grow there, and tinks like the do, never really fits in.  It gets really
> lonely sometimes; some days are worse than others.  I've had several people
> tell me that it gets better in college, because you meet more people who
> think like you do.  Any thoughts on that?
> Heather
> _________________________________________________________________
> When your life is on the go-take your life with you.
> http://clk.atdmt.com/MRT/go/115298558/direct/01/
> _______________________________________________
> nabs-l mailing list
> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> nabs-l:
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/sarah.jevnikar%40uto
> ronto.ca
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> nabs-l mailing list
> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> nabs-l:
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/arielle71%40gmail.com
>