[nabs-l] Social Stuff

Wed Sep 23 22:27:09 UTC 2009

I never poke at my eyes, but I do close them/stare at nothing a lot. I was 
in the library the other day and a kid asked me why I was looking at a point 
on a blank wall over my laptop screen. Lol.

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Teal Bloodworth" <tealbloodworth at gmail.com>
To: "National Association of Blind Students mailing list" 
<nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 5:15 PM
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social Stuff

> thinking about it i dont poke at my eyes but i do frequently rub them and 
> i keep them closed when i am really tired. Also i have found myself to 
> accidently touch people in inappropriate places when they are being quiet 
> and probably staring...i dont know if i am alone in that.
>
> I had a similar situation about roomates. I had some of the most 
> disgusting roomates when i lived on campus. Sink filled with nasty dishes 
> all of the time, trashcan overflowing whether there was a bag in it or 
> not, gum on the kitchen floors and since a couple were homosexual their 
> friends would use permanent marker and draw inappropriate pictures on the 
> door while writing inappropriate things as well.
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "Jason Mandarino" <blind.subscriber at gmail.com>
> To: "'National Association of Blind Students mailing list'" 
> <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 12:23 PM
> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social Stuff
>
>
>>I really enjoyed Arielle's post, and I felt that it alluded or perhaps 
>>more
>> so reminded me of a recent realization I had.
>>
>> I lost my sight in middle school, and since that point have encountered a
>> large array of social questions and appropriate behavior from countless
>> parents. My mother did not have to do much in regards to restricting
>> inappropriate behavior, but recognized that some of the mannerisms that 
>> come
>> with blindness are not limited to those who have been blind their whole
>> life. I was asked not to rock, poke my eyes, and several other things for
>> the first few years, in which those tendencies seemed to not be an issue 
>> any
>> more.
>>
>> My point however is that I personally find myself chasing this visual
>> perfection, and until recently I never stepped back to see how wrong it 
>> is.
>> I constantly find myself very embarrassed if I cook something wrong, 
>> spill a
>> glass of water, break a cheap whine glass, or something else that I
>> contribute to being blind related. However, thanks to my girlfriend I 
>> find
>> that I am also correcting her on various behaviors that I would not let
>> myself do. A great example is when she is filling up the sink for dishes 
>> she
>> turn the water to full blast, and she is not paying attention that it is
>> splashing. My room mate leaves crap everywhere, and is constantly loosing
>> his stuff as he has no idea where he put it down. As well as a weird
>> situation regarding a friend of mine who is an extremely sloppy eater and
>> she is commenting on how impressed she is that I can eat the same meal 
>> and
>> not have the same mess left over?
>>
>> Not that I am implying it is okay to be a mess, but I realize that my
>> expectations on myself are not realistic, and it is okay to make 
>> mistakes.
>>
>>
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On 
>> Behalf
>> Of Arielle Silverman
>> Sent: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 12:04 AM
>> To: nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>> Subject: [nabs-l] Social Stuff
>>
>> Hi all,
>>
>> As both a psychology student and someone interested in blindness
>> issues I think this is a very interesting and important topic.
>> Regarding the first issue, that of learning facial expressions, I
>> don't know much of the literature beyond what's already been stated. I
>> do think it's true that automatic things like smiling and frowning
>> shouldn't be affected by blindness, while more controlled expressions
>> of feelings would be. I will admit that as someone who has been
>> functionally totally blind since birth I get a little depressed when I
>> read about all the theories of development that emphasize visual
>> activities like mimicking other people's movements, etc. But, I'm also
>> optimistic because I know there are plenty of totally blind people out
>> there who developed without major issues or problems. People and
>> especially babies are amazingly resilient.
>>
>> Regarding the issue of social skills and awkwardness I have a lot
>> more to say. This issue inevitably comes up often among NFB circles
>> as well as in the psychology and education literature especially about
>> blind children. It's been well-documented that lots of blind kids and
>> adults engage in behaviors that are "socially inappropriate" or
>> whatever  you want to call them. The common opinion among many of us
>> seems to be that if someone who's blind consistently does anything
>> that's weird, obnoxious, etc. it's because they "just don't know any
>> better" and they've been so sheltered that they honestly have no clue
>> that what they're doing would have any negative effects on them or on
>> anyone else. If only someone would sit them down and explain the truth
>> to them, they'd immediately wise up and start acting more appropriate,
>> or whatever the term may be.
>>
>> OK, I may be exaggerating a little here, but I am quite convinced that
>> this "lack of knowledge" explanation is just the tip of the iceberg
>> and there's a lot more going on. I have this conviction because of
>> what I know about psychology and about human beings in general, and
>> also because of my personal experience.
>>
>> As I mentioned I have been blind all my life.  I will say I was
>> sheltered, but probably about as much as the average blind child-more
>> than some, less than others. I recall that when I was a kid I did some
>> things that almost everyone around me thought were socially
>> inappropriate. I won't go into a huge amount of detail but I would,
>> for instance, get really fixated on a certain topic of conversation
>> and want to talk about it to the exclusion of more popular topics. I
>> didn't reach out much to other kids or adults, I was often accused of
>> being bossy and argumentative, and I was frequently caught poking my
>> eyes. I have memories of being reprimanded for these activities as
>> early as kindergarten and as late as the sixth or seventh grade. And I
>> was definitely made aware repeatedly by multiple adults that what I
>> was doing was inappropriate, although to me at the time it seemed like
>> they were calling my behavior criminal. I know that "social skills"
>> made up the bulk of my IEP for most of those years. I was scolded and
>> punished for this wide array of bad deeds and occasionally rewarded
>> for "good" ones. And yet I kept doing the same  "bad" things anyway.
>> Why? I don't entirely know. Perhaps I knew they were "wrong" but I
>> didn't understand why; yet I still knew if I made those social
>> mistakes I would get in trouble and getting in trouble was definitely
>> painful. I think part of it is that I was really deeply confused about
>> what the adult world expected from me. I was repeatedly told that I
>> was socially deficient and it was somehow related to my blindness
>> because it was always on my IEP, but I didn't  know how I was supposed
>> to act, so I couldn't improve. I also think part of it had to do with
>> lack of motivation. I knew that adults didn't like it when I made
>> these social errors but most of them (fixating on my own interests and
>> being argumentative, for instance) came from me being self-centered,
>> so it really didn't matter to me that it was socially inappropriate. I
>> think I knew that I wasn't directly hurting anybody-I definitely
>> wanted to avoid doing that-and so I honestly didn't understand what
>> the big deal was. No, I never had the desire to wiggle my butt up
>> against someone, but honestly if I had a compelling enough reason to
>> do it, I probably would have kept it up despite admonitions.
>>
>> Around the end of middle school I noticed that I stopped getting
>> reprimanded for being socially deficient. And, what happened? Today I
>> still like to talk about things I find interesting, but that's almost
>> a survival skill for anyone in a Ph.D. program. I have definitely been
>> described by a few people as bossy and argumentative, and I know I'm
>> not always the most empathetic person. When I am very tired my hand
>> will occasionally wander into my eye. But, I've figured out how to get
>> along decently  with most people most of the time,  and when someone
>> else's needs supersede my own. I have a few good friends who've put up
>> with me for years and a boyfriend who's put up with me for a few
>> months. I don't poke my eyes when I am going out with him or giving a
>> speech. (If I ever do, you have the right to yell at me!) Heck, I even
>> managed to get elected president of this student organization. My
>> imperfections have  remained, but somehow I've figured out how to turn
>> them into assets rather than letting them get in my way. I've also
>> discovered, through life experience, what works and what doesn't work
>> in social interactions, and I've felt the rewards of good behavior.
>>
>> So why am I making this deep self-disclosure to all of you? I guess,
>> first of all, to make the point that we have all kinds in the NFB, in
>> NABS and among the leadership here. We all have flaws and we have all
>> had struggles of some kind in our lives. We shouldn't expect all blind
>> people or all NFB members to act exactly the same or to follow all the
>> so-called "rules" all the time. I think a lot of my issues had only a
>> little bit to do with blindness. Blindness might have made me care
>> less about whether or not my behavior was "appropriate", but I
>> probably would have been a pretty nerdy and opinionated child and
>> person had I been sighted. In our efforts to persuade other blind
>> folks to behave with social grace, I think we need to do more than
>> just tell them what they're doing isn't cool. First of all, we need to
>> stop making fun of and talking about them because that does nothing
>> but breed resentment and hostility. Second, I think we must role-model
>> good behavior-everything from good hygiene to being nice to each
>> other-as much as we can. Then, people we mentor (or will potentially
>> mentor later) will see what they can strive toward, not just what they
>> should strive away from. And finally, although I know we might not be
>> able to make this happen for our blind friends, I honestly think that
>> social norms and customs have to be personally meaningful and relevant
>> to people before they will consistently follow them. So Mr.
>> Butt-Wiggler probably won't stop until he decides he wants to to
>> impress a girl or to land a job. The tragedy is that once people
>> become adults, I think it's harder for them to get motivated to make
>> lasting change. But, it's certainly not impossible.
>>
>> Arielle
>>
>>
>> -- 
>> Arielle Silverman
>> President, National Association of Blind Students
>> Phone:  602-502-2255
>> Email:
>> nabs.president at gmail.com
>> Website:
>> www.nabslink.org
>>
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