[nabs-l] parent's attitudes and advocating with parents

Thu Sep 9 02:52:01 UTC 2010

Dear Ashley,
I am Hispanic, and in our culture, what you are goin through is very
common. I have an incredible mother, who supported me in absolutely
everything. To her I was as normal as my brother. Except when it came
to O&M. She tought me how to cook, she taught me how to iron, she
taught me how to do laundr. And she taught me everything a girl would
want to know about make-up. But mobility just made her nervous. it
wasn't so much that she had no faith in me, but to a sighted person,
they just can't imagine what it'd be like if they were blindfolded and
had to find the bus stop in the middle of the block. Or the train
station, and the platform you need to get to. And as parents, those
concerns are combined with the fact that they love you to pieces and
never want you to get hurt. It doesn't just happen to blind sons and
daughters, it happens to everyone. My mom's close friend, has a
daughter my age. she says that she can never let her go out of the
state, let alone the country by herself, because it's too dangerous.
She has perfect sight, no disabilities, but while my mother will let
me go to Paris for a whole summer without voicing any doubts about my
ability to get around, her friend couldn't imagine letting her
daughter go that far. As sons and daughters we have to understand
where they are coming from and then try to address it. Your mother
loves you a lot. But she doesn't understand what you feel. I agree
with Anita's suggstions. I would also add, that maybe you should,
1. Push yourself to get familiarized with your neighborhoodif you
haven't already done so.
2. If you are over 18, go ahead and sign up for para-transit.
3. Take your parents out to dinner, and talk to them about how you
feel. It's really hard to do this, because it's an emotional subject
and you don't want to hurt or disrespect them. But maybe prepare a
written statement. I suggest doing it outside the home because it is a
neutral environment, and so no one can just walk away and refuse to
face the issue.
4. Really emphasize to your mom how her comments have robbed you of
your confidence. It seems to me, that you really dont have that much
trouble with O&M, if you were so familiar and comfortable with the
businesses around your college. Point that out to your mom, I used to
go shopping independently, I could meet with friends etc.
5. Finally, point out how your inability to be able to travel
independently can affect you socially. Your mom wants you to have
friends and boyfriends, and eventually get out of the house and be
happy. tell her that, tell her al lthe benefits that being idependent
can bring.
Finally, do  get in touch with your local NFB chapter if you haven't
already, and if it is possible for you go with your parents to an NFB
state convention. Get some accomplished blind friends and venture out
in the world. And seriously look at and consider going to an NFB
training center. But mind you that while eventually they will come to
understand, it probably will never be to the level you want it to.
When i go home, my mom still likes to link arms when we go out
shopping. I am 20 years old, have travel outside the continent and
made it back in one piece, I attend school half away across the east
coast, but she is a mother, and that's what mothers do.
Hope that helps.
Mary F

On 9/8/10, Jedi <loneblindjedi at samobile.net> wrote:
> Ashley,
>
> First of all, I want to tell you that your experience is quite common
> and familiar to many of us, so we're right here with you. You probably
> don't have as many spacial deficits as you think. For most blind
> people, the problem isn't internal in terms of ability or external in
> terms of difficult environments, but is both internal and external in
> terms of attitude and availability of positive input to shape healthy
> attitudes.
>
> I would seriously consider getting involved with an NFB training
> center. There, you can get intense O and M training, as well as
> training in any other skills you like. You'll also have an opportunity
> to move out for a bit, thus giving you a break from those negative
> attitudes. LCB staff and students (for example) are very positive and
> encourage folks to do their best by way of both serving as cheerleaders
> and as role models. Other NFB centers are the same way.
>
> I can see two reasons why your parents might feel uncomfortable with
> you traveling independently. First, they probably haven't been around
> too many successful blind adults who feel comfortable with their
> ability to get around and who defy the stereotypes we're all so
> familiar with. Secondly, you may not have had much exposure to these
> same role models and may therefore not really know what you can do (or
> at least what's possible). That said, with no information comes no
> progress in beliefs and attitudes. Have you been able to connect with
> someone in your state from the NFB? Perhaps they could be of assistance
> to you? Good luck.
>
> Respectfully,
> Jedi
>
> Original message:
>> Hi all,
>
>> Growing up my parents were supportive for my academics and
>> accomodations.  They went to IEP meetings and actively participated.
>> However, when it comes to daily living and orientation and mobility I
>> don't feel as supported.  This is particular to O&M.  Growing up I only
>> had basics of O&M  given to me twice a month.  Then I got some good
>> training through the Dept for the blind here.  She was excellent
>> because she encouraged you to ask questions of the public and explore
>> your surroundings.  She was a general COMS, certified orientation and
>> mobility specialist but I think she included some discovery techniques
>> in her teaching style.
>
>> Anyway, I am so tired of my mom's negative attitude.  I have a rather
>> hard time with O&M and cannot reverse routes well.  I have spatial
>> deficits.
>> It takes me longer to learn O&M but when I finally learn a place I am a
>> pretty average walker and confident in that familiar environment.
>> When I lived at Marymount university I knew that campus well and
>> traveled on my own to restaurants, convenience stores and the nearby mall.
>> I did more indoor travel there because I wasn't confident with streets.
>
>> I say this because I give some background to show I was successful in
>> O&M to some extent and carried out some ndependent living tasks at
>> school except cooking.
>
>
>> My mother isn't encouraging me to go places on my own.  She is doubting
>> my ability to navigate my community college campus.  When I suggested I
>> take metro access, our paratransit, home from some job development
>> meetings she says things like "you couldn't find the bus to get picked
>> up." and You couldn't find the right room upstairs."
>> Despite those comments I am learning to navigate campus with another
>> O&M specialist I found through the lighthouse.
>> I will say though campus is challenging due to many open spaces such as
>> the quad and few edges to follow visually and/or tactually with the cane.
>
>> I'm so frustrated that I have to advocate for basic freedoms that most
>> young adults take for granted.
>> I sometimes doubt myself too and worry I'll prove to myself and my
>> parents I'm not a competent traveler.
>> I fear that I will internalize my mom's attitudes and stop challenging
>> myself and lose my optimism.
>
>> I know I can only improve by doing the skill I need to work on.
>> How do you advocate and stand up for your  needs when family members
>> doubt your abilities?
>> We're a close family and thing is also I generally respect my parents
>> and their opinions so when they doubt my abilities I sometimes doubt
>> myself too.
>
>> When I have the funding through employment I'm moving out so this won't
>> be an issue.  But till then I need to do the best I can here.
>
>> Ashley
>
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-- 
Mary Fernandez
Emory University 2012
P.O. Box 123056
Atlanta Ga.
30322
Phone: 732-857-7004
"Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the
most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of
teachers."
Charles W. Eliot