[nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative words

[Peter Donahue]

Good afternoon again everyone,

    This is all the more the reason to get away from that environment and 
attend an NFB Center. If they can help you find a job when training is 
complete by all means don't go back to that home environment. Call this 
tough love!

Peter Donahue


----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Melissa Hambleton" <nightfury19 at verizon.net>
To: "'National Association of Blind Students mailing list'" 
<nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, April 24, 2014 2:33 PM
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative words


> First thing to remember is that you can't change how your mother thinks or 
> feels, she has to change those things herself if some day she is willing 
> to do so.
>
> Now, either your mother may be over protective and says such things to 
> discourage you from doing things more independently so that you will 
> always be around or, she still lacks knowledge of what low vision and 
> blind people can do for themselves. It doesn't matter if you got involved 
> with braille or O&M and things like that, you got those resources and help 
> from other people and not your mother directly so, she doesn't have that 
> experience firsthand of what is possible for those who cannot see.
>
> Only you know how she will act/react to what you do and the things you try 
> and discuss with her and you have some choices to make. You can come out 
> and tell your mother what your plans are and try and express that you know 
> that both of you don't agree on what you will do or you can let your 
> mother hold you back and you will not progress. Try and come across to 
> your mother in a positive way and mention positive things you will be able 
> to do and accomplish and what your goals are. Try and stay away from 
> blaming your mother of how she doesn't support you and how she has handled 
> things in the past, this will only make her more defensive and more likely 
> she will say negative things that will only make things worse between the 
> both of you.
>
> The bad side is that you may have to live with hearing such things from 
> your mother and you just need to tell yourself that you "can" do this or 
> that and you will move forward in life and progress. Perhaps in time your 
> mother will come around when she sees you being more independent or maybe 
> she will not but, who is the one who needs to benefit right now with 
> learning more independence and other skills? You do and not your mother. 
> You know what you want to learn so that is a goal...so go out and manifest 
> what you want by learning more skills and becoming more independent. Your 
> mother is the one who has to learn other skills on her own, by owning up 
> to her being non-supportive over overly protective in a very negative 
> way--being protective is fine but, everything has a negative side too it 
> when a person lets it go to an extreme level. Your mother will need to 
> learn to be support and you not teach her that part...that will be her 
> learning process if she chooses to do so.
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Ashley 
> Bramlett
> Sent: Thursday, April 24, 2014 2:35 PM
> To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
> Subject: [nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative words
>
> Hi all,
>
> I am going to mainly vent here. Although I may not attend a nfb center, I 
> feel I should go for some training or get in house training from the 
> lighthouse.
>
> I want training tailored to the classes I need without sleepshades and nfb 
> centers have you take everything.
>
> Anyway, I’m very hurt that my mom won’t support training.
> For those who did not read much from me before, I’ll say I grew up in a 
> middle class family; pretty in tact. While I did receive fairly good 
> academic support to learn braille, large print, how to label and organize 
> papers, use a talking calculator, and even some jaws training, I did not 
> receive much training in regard to living skills.
> I did receive traditional O&M but did get much better O&M training as an 
> adult from our state agency.
> My vr agency instructor taught me in some what of a discovery fashion and 
> she encouraged exploration and had me plan routes.
> She taught me about our metro system too.
>
> I do have basic living skills from learning via a rehab teacher who came 
> to our home and attending our state center. but I did not get everything 
> at the state center as ADL was only twice a week.
>
> So, when possibly going to WSB for the IRS program came up, mom was 
> negative saying no way I cannot live on my own and how I don’t try 
> anything.
> She never says anything positive to move forward. I don’t like the idea of 
> WSB but it was brought up with my new counselor.
>
> She doesn’t support training. She blames me. I’m so tired and hurt she 
> keeps bllaming me. Okay, I cannot simply read a recipe and cook. you have 
> to know how to cut vegies better than I do. You have to know how to 
> measure well and cook meat.
> I’ve seen recipies and I don’t understand the lingo.
>
> She says things like
> “oh, you don’t need training you had enough. You  just need to try things. 
> You’re here often and don’t do much.” I say I do and I do my laundry and 
> make sandwiches for instance. I said I looked for work myself.
> I have used and tried to be actuve with the skills I have.
> “Why don’t you look around the kitchen and get recipies and try to cook? 
> you just aren’t adventurous. You should do more.”
>
> I tell her I don’t know how. she just fails to get it. I am not lazy. I’m 
> fairly resourceful; I even taught myself some stuff on the computer. those 
> fs webinars are helpful.
> When I was on my own in college, I did explore the area and went to a few 
> malls on my own. My parents wouldn’t support that except for going to the 
> mall where my gym is since they know I had a little orientation to it and 
> I know its layout mostly. So I did use my O&M skills.
> When I suggest going places, it seems I often hear from mom, I’ll be lost 
> and no way I could find my way. Okay, I cannot do outside safely, but 
> indoors there should be no excuse; there are people to gather directions 
> from, and walls around so you can only go so far astray.
> Thing is my mother is the least supportive person. Never has she showed me 
> to make a dish and she did not even teach me to tie my shoes. My TVI did 
> the shoe thing. Never has she tried to help me much learn anything. Well, 
> she did not help my brothers much but they can see others do it via tv or 
> something.
>
> I’m so tired she blames me when she is the big problem and then to say I 
> don’t need more training is worse. Its like to her, I’m a lost case, and 
> even if I’m trained I won’t learn and won’t try. Not true at all. I’ve 
> used a lot of skills I learned.
>
> It is just so amazing my mom won’t support my independence and feels I’m 
> incapable of it. I guess I’ll someday move and prove her otherwise.
>
> Ashley
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