[nabs-l] Social skills and blindness

Thu Mar 6 04:51:40 UTC 2014

Hi all,
This is a great topic to discuss. I'm a mental health counseling
student who is about to graduate. Thus I'll talk from the mental
health perspective.
We have social anxiety disorder and avoidant personality sounds like
just a little bit similar your experiences; however, the major
difference is felled personal distress and distractive effects in your
daily life.
If you don't have enough social skills or courage to express yourself
in a job interview, or a verbal presentation at work or class, this
may be a problem for you. If you think this is disturbing, you can
seek professional help. Otherwise this is just a personality trade.
Every single person is unique, and has different skills. Furthermore,
these disorders are not specific to the blind population. I didn't
read any research talking about high prevalence among blinds. I have a
sighted brother who is very introverted and my husband as well. I was
always extraverted and still I'm the same.
In my opinion blind kids can be taught about social skills. We don't
observe people and sometimes don't know what is common. I learnt how
important eye contact from the novels that I read. It was surprising
for me. Then I started to turn my face to the person whom I'm talking
to. Sighted kids learn these things implicitly during the daily life.
So I believe talking about these kind of issues can be developmentally
appropriate.
On the other hand saying hello and putting a check mark seems
artificial. It's also very deficit oriented. As a kid you feel you are
wrong and you need to change yourself. This may lead the feeling of
inferiority which is not helpful to be more social.
We are not lab rats, so reinforcing the behavior is not the only way
that we can learn. Just giving information is better. Supporting the
personal positive points can be helpful to develop a better
self-esteem. And high self-esteem is more helpful to feel more
comfortable while interacting with others. Again this is valid for
people who want to be more social. If the person is OK, so we as
mental health professions don't do much.
Furthermore, as you stated just saying hello to 1000 people is not the
only social skill. Being a good listener, empathizing, and validating
is more important to maintain a relationship. Maybe some sighted
people initiate the relationships easier with the help of eye contact;
however everyone has his or her unique style such as sometimes asking
for help.

2014-03-05 22:03 GMT-05:00, justin williams <justin.williams2 at gmail.com>:
> However, just do the best you can, and enjoy yourself.
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Loren
> Wakefield
> Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 9:55 PM
> To: 'National Association of Blind Students mailing list';
> jsoro620 at gmail.com
> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness
>
> To me, if I ask someone to help with the buffett, than I am still in
> control
> of the situation.  That is part of independence to me.  Because of other
> health issues, I seldom carry my plate in a public restaurant.
>
> I think that sometimes a le dysfunction of the wonderful federation
> philosophy is that it makes one feel like if he or she is not a superstar,
> than you are letting down other blind individuals.  Even cDoctor Jernigan
> walked with someone if it was more productive to do so.  Independence does
> not mean one is a super human.  If it does, I've failed many times and
> probably will never achieve it.  And what does it say if you determination
> to do absolubely everything on your own, stops you from enjoying life or
> advancing in your career?  Doesn't that dreffeat the purpose?
>
> Loren
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Chris Nusbaum
> Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 8:01 PM
> To: jsoro620 at gmail.com; 'National Association of Blind Students mailing
> list'
> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness
>
> Dear Listers:
>
> Joe, very well said. Regarding buffet lines, sighted people in my
> experience
> often ask someone else to load their plate for them, whether a staff member
> or another person with whom they are eating. This, in fact, is a principle
> which sighted people tend to follow in many situations--they ask for help
> when that would best serve their needs at any given time, and they go it
> alone when that is preferred. I often wonder then why this is a subject
> with
> which our community struggles as much as we do. The object of independence
> for us, I believe, is to function on a level similar to that of our sighted
> counterparts. If this is true, are we placing unrealistic expectations on
> ourselves and others? It seems to me that in striving to be "independent,"
> some of us expect ourselves to be *more* independent than our sighted
> colleagues. If sighted people ask for someone to load their plate in a
> buffet, why oughtn't we? Because we are blind and Federationists, should
> that make us super-independent? Just some food for thought for whatever
> it's
> worth.
>
> Chris
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Joe
> Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 7:49 PM
> To: 'National Association of Blind Students mailing list'
> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness
>
> Excellent post, Arielle. I wrote on this subject in my blog. I'll post the
> relevant portion here:
>
> Speaking for myself, I don't really look forward to buffet lines.
> Independence is partially about looking graceful, and in my opinion there
> is
> nothing graceful about feeling around for serving spoons and running the
> risk of dipping a finger in the casserole, embarrassing yourself and making
> the other guests feel dubious about where your fingers may've been. There
> are methods to handling such tasks of course. You could move your hand
> inward over the table surface, find the rim of the dish and move around its
> edge until you find the utensil. I paid attention in my independent living
> classes. Yet independence is also about seizing conveniences, so you could
> also just ask someone to help load your plate and go on about your
> business.
> I feel far more confident about carrying a tray and drink to my table than
> I
> do about navigating someone else's logic about the way dishes should be
> laid
> out.
>
> I walk fast when I walk alone. In fact I experience my own version of
> pedestrian's sidewalk rage, but I feel slow and stumbling when walking with
> someone else because my attention is divided between carrying a
> conversation
> and stopping myself from colliding with a lamp post. In some cases I would
> rather walk with a hand on the person's elbow to ensure the smooth
> continuity of both our conversation and our journey. This is especially
> true
> in crowded restaurants.
>
> Something else that comes to mind is my attitude about how the rest of the
> world perceives me. As I grow older it matters less. If truth be told it
> probably never mattered enough, but there was a point when I wondered about
> the stain on my shirt or the syrup on my cheek or the rip in my jeans. If
> you saw either on a fellow sighted person, you would attribute it to
> laziness or wouldn't think of it at all. If you saw this on a blind person,
> however, your first thought might be that it was because the person was
> blind. I'd like you to point it out to me in the spirit of open
> communication. No one likes to walk around attracting the wrong kind of
> attention, but don't be surprised to discover that I can be every bit as
> careless or clumsy as you.
>
> When you see me board a train or bus, it'd be nice if you offered me the
> seat near the door. I will turn you down, but it's the thought that counts.
> My independence will not be threatened by the same type of courtesy I would
> extend if I were sighted and came upon a blind person. To that end, I may
> not always take advantage of the discounts and freebies offered to senior
> citizens and persons with disabilities. If I don't, chalk it up to a desire
> to equally contribute to society and not because I am an ungrateful person.
> I worked hard to be a tax payer.
>
> You can read the post in its entirety here:
>
> http://joeorozco.com/blog_facts_about_blindness_according_to_me
>
> --
> Twitter: @ScribblingJoe
>
> Visit my blog:
> http://joeorozco.com/blog
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Arielle
> Silverman
> Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 12:22 AM
> To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
> Subject: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness
>
> Hi all,
>
> OK. Since it was brought up here, I feel compelled to share some of my
> experiences and controversial views on how blind people should learn social
> skills. Some of you have heard this rant before in part, but I think it is
> important enough to bear repeating every few years. I guess I'm also
> curious
> if any of you have had similar experiences growing up or if the things I am
> about to advocate make any sense to others besides me.
>
> I have been blind my whole life and I was always an introverted person. As
> a
> child I had few close  friends, read a lot by myself.
> When I did hang out with kids my age I tended to be bossy and want to
> control what we were doing. When adults came into my house and tried to
> interact with me in ways I thought were childish or silly, I would go to my
> room and read. I never was one for a lot of physical affection, hugging,
> touching etc.
> When I was growing up it was assumed that all my undesirable traits linked
> back to my blindness. So it was assumed that because of my blindness I had
> poor social skills. There were goals on my IEP throughout elementary and
> middle school that dealt with my social skills and my TVI was tasked with
> evaluating my progress. For example, in elementary school I would get
> graded
> on goals like "Shows interest in other children" or "asks others about
> their
> day". In middle school, one goal on my IEP was "compliments others when she
> likes something".
> I am not even slightly joking. My TVI would ask me every day to tell her
> how
> many people I had complimented that day and she wrote it down on her
> clipboard. The number of compliments I gave was expected to increase over
> time. Since I  was usually a good student and I liked and respected this
> teacher a lot, I tried my hardest to give her a good compliment report
> every
> day, by contriving situations where I could compliment my family and
> classmates. I still don't understand what this had to do with my blindness.
> If I complimented people less than my parents or teachers expected it was
> because that just wasn't a big part of how I liked to interact with people.
> Had I been sighted, I wouldn't have been graded on such a silly thing. She
> also read me passages from a social skills book as a way to teach me social
> skills.
> Eventually my TVI and I discussed this and she told me that my parents had
> really expected her to do these things and she did even though she knew
> they
> were ridiculous.
> When people in the blindness world talk about social skills, it seems
> they're usually referring to two things: skills at winning friends and
> influencing people (charisma, likability, popularity) or following social
> conventions like being places on time, attempting eye contact, etc. (what
> Jedi refers to as "blending in"). By the first set of criteria, winning
> friends and influencing people, Adolf Hitler had wonderful social skills. I
> think there are other social skills that are much more important for having
> lasting relationships: things like sharing, helping others in need, being
> sensitive to other people's feelings, respecting other people's opinions,
> not holding grudges.
> There are many sighted politicians who have absolutely terrible social
> skills by these criteria! These are all things that blind people can learn
> just as well as sighted people by listening to other people's
> conversations,
> talking about issues going on in the world, and actually being a part of
> close relationships. I think the most social skills I ever learned was by
> becoming friends with blind people who were willing to be blunt and tell me
> if I was doing something obnoxious. There is a lot we can learn about
> social
> interaction just by listening, talking and sharing with others. Reading
> about this stuff in a book, or being required to engage in artificial
> interactions with others, doesn't help build these social skills in the
> long
> term. Role-playing social interactions doesn't help when you're out in the
> real world and the thing you practiced feels really awkward and fake.
> On blending in, I do think there are certain nonverbal things that
> congenitally blind people should be explicitly told about so we can make
> informed decisions about whether or not we want to blend in. For example,
> of
> course blind folks should be told about which colors people usually wear
> together or what kind of clothing is appropriate for a job interview vs.
> the
> movies. But then, we still have the right to choose to blend in or not. So
> often it seems that blind folks are labeled as having poor social skills
> when the fact is that they've learned what is "appropriate" but chosen not
> to follow these norms for whatever reason.
> I realize now that my parents and teachers were unfortunately using
> blindness and the IEP system to try to change who I fundamentally was--to
> turn me into an extroverted, gregarious, charismatic person.
> It took a long time for me to realize that I was OK being myself, and that
> I
> was just reared in an environment where I didn't quite belong.
> Although I don't have tons of friends, I have great relationships with the
> friends I do have, a loving husband and co-workers who respect me, and I
> try
> to be the best person I can. Most of  the things I learned to get me to
> this
> place came from my firsthand experiences making friends, my real
> discussions
> with others and a lot of trial and error.
> I don't think I missed out on the process because I am blind, but I also
> don't think the attempts to teach me social skills from a textbook were
> either effective or necessary.
> In closing, I hope that any good blindness center would support students in
> developing social skills--by giving them opportunities to make friends and
> have real social encounters--instead of indoctrinating them with lessons
> based on a narrow definition of social competence.
>
> Best,
> Arielle
>
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