[nabs-l] Social skills and blindness

Thu Mar 6 05:08:39 UTC 2014

To clarify, I don't often get shy or experience social anxiety. When I
was younger I wasn't afraid of social interaction. I just didn't
really desire it or seek it out that much. When I did it was usually
because adults or others wanted me to socialize rather than because I
was motivated to do so.
People often confuse introversion and shyness. Shyness is a fear or
anxiety about talking to people. Introversion or extroversion is a
personality trait that relates to how much social stimulation people
prefer. Extroverted people thrive on social stimulation and find it
energizing whereas introverts get tired if they are overstimulated
socially. There are theories that certain parts of the brain are less
sensitive to stimulation in extroverts than introverts. That's about
the extent of my neuroscience knowledge, but there is a spectrum and
being introverted is not dysfunctional. Being shy can become
dysfunctional if it makes it difficult for someone to work with others
or make friends. Everyone, including introverts, needs a little bit of
social connection.
I do think that social interaction with sighted kids can often be
non-rewarding for blind kids, especially when kids are doing things
that are not accessible, like playing certain kinds of sports,
coloring etc. Efforts to make playgrounds more accessible would do
more to build blind children's social skills than the textbooks or
classes, in my opinion.
I would also think that blind kids could learn about turn-taking,
sharing and play by interacting verbally with others. Why does
learning these things require sight? Of course, we have to be told
about nonverbal things like eye contact that we can't see. But most of
the social interaction that blind people will ultimately participate
in is verbal in nature.
And, let's not forget that sighted kids have to learn social skills
too, and have to be explicitly told to do or not do a lot of things.
That's why they call it "socialization" after all.

Arielle

On 3/5/14, Elif Emir <filerime at gmail.com> wrote:
> Hi all,
> This is a great topic to discuss. I'm a mental health counseling
> student who is about to graduate. Thus I'll talk from the mental
> health perspective.
> We have social anxiety disorder and avoidant personality sounds like
> just a little bit similar your experiences; however, the major
> difference is felled personal distress and distractive effects in your
> daily life.
> If you don't have enough social skills or courage to express yourself
> in a job interview, or a verbal presentation at work or class, this
> may be a problem for you. If you think this is disturbing, you can
> seek professional help. Otherwise this is just a personality trade.
> Every single person is unique, and has different skills. Furthermore,
> these disorders are not specific to the blind population. I didn't
> read any research talking about high prevalence among blinds. I have a
> sighted brother who is very introverted and my husband as well. I was
> always extraverted and still I'm the same.
> In my opinion blind kids can be taught about social skills. We don't
> observe people and sometimes don't know what is common. I learnt how
> important eye contact from the novels that I read. It was surprising
> for me. Then I started to turn my face to the person whom I'm talking
> to. Sighted kids learn these things implicitly during the daily life.
> So I believe talking about these kind of issues can be developmentally
> appropriate.
> On the other hand saying hello and putting a check mark seems
> artificial. It's also very deficit oriented. As a kid you feel you are
> wrong and you need to change yourself. This may lead the feeling of
> inferiority which is not helpful to be more social.
> We are not lab rats, so reinforcing the behavior is not the only way
> that we can learn. Just giving information is better. Supporting the
> personal positive points can be helpful to develop a better
> self-esteem. And high self-esteem is more helpful to feel more
> comfortable while interacting with others. Again this is valid for
> people who want to be more social. If the person is OK, so we as
> mental health professions don't do much.
> Furthermore, as you stated just saying hello to 1000 people is not the
> only social skill. Being a good listener, empathizing, and validating
> is more important to maintain a relationship. Maybe some sighted
> people initiate the relationships easier with the help of eye contact;
> however everyone has his or her unique style such as sometimes asking
> for help.
>
>
> 2014-03-05 22:03 GMT-05:00, justin williams <justin.williams2 at gmail.com>:
>> However, just do the best you can, and enjoy yourself.
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Loren
>> Wakefield
>> Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 9:55 PM
>> To: 'National Association of Blind Students mailing list';
>> jsoro620 at gmail.com
>> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness
>>
>> To me, if I ask someone to help with the buffett, than I am still in
>> control
>> of the situation.  That is part of independence to me.  Because of other
>> health issues, I seldom carry my plate in a public restaurant.
>>
>> I think that sometimes a le dysfunction of the wonderful federation
>> philosophy is that it makes one feel like if he or she is not a
>> superstar,
>> than you are letting down other blind individuals.  Even cDoctor Jernigan
>> walked with someone if it was more productive to do so.  Independence
>> does
>> not mean one is a super human.  If it does, I've failed many times and
>> probably will never achieve it.  And what does it say if you
>> determination
>> to do absolubely everything on your own, stops you from enjoying life or
>> advancing in your career?  Doesn't that dreffeat the purpose?
>>
>> Loren
>>
>>
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Chris
>> Nusbaum
>> Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 8:01 PM
>> To: jsoro620 at gmail.com; 'National Association of Blind Students mailing
>> list'
>> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness
>>
>> Dear Listers:
>>
>> Joe, very well said. Regarding buffet lines, sighted people in my
>> experience
>> often ask someone else to load their plate for them, whether a staff
>> member
>> or another person with whom they are eating. This, in fact, is a
>> principle
>> which sighted people tend to follow in many situations--they ask for help
>> when that would best serve their needs at any given time, and they go it
>> alone when that is preferred. I often wonder then why this is a subject
>> with
>> which our community struggles as much as we do. The object of
>> independence
>> for us, I believe, is to function on a level similar to that of our
>> sighted
>> counterparts. If this is true, are we placing unrealistic expectations on
>> ourselves and others? It seems to me that in striving to be
>> "independent,"
>> some of us expect ourselves to be *more* independent than our sighted
>> colleagues. If sighted people ask for someone to load their plate in a
>> buffet, why oughtn't we? Because we are blind and Federationists, should
>> that make us super-independent? Just some food for thought for whatever
>> it's
>> worth.
>>
>> Chris
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Joe
>> Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 7:49 PM
>> To: 'National Association of Blind Students mailing list'
>> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness
>>
>> Excellent post, Arielle. I wrote on this subject in my blog. I'll post
>> the
>> relevant portion here:
>>
>> Speaking for myself, I don't really look forward to buffet lines.
>> Independence is partially about looking graceful, and in my opinion there
>> is
>> nothing graceful about feeling around for serving spoons and running the
>> risk of dipping a finger in the casserole, embarrassing yourself and
>> making
>> the other guests feel dubious about where your fingers may've been. There
>> are methods to handling such tasks of course. You could move your hand
>> inward over the table surface, find the rim of the dish and move around
>> its
>> edge until you find the utensil. I paid attention in my independent
>> living
>> classes. Yet independence is also about seizing conveniences, so you
>> could
>> also just ask someone to help load your plate and go on about your
>> business.
>> I feel far more confident about carrying a tray and drink to my table
>> than
>> I
>> do about navigating someone else's logic about the way dishes should be
>> laid
>> out.
>>
>> I walk fast when I walk alone. In fact I experience my own version of
>> pedestrian's sidewalk rage, but I feel slow and stumbling when walking
>> with
>> someone else because my attention is divided between carrying a
>> conversation
>> and stopping myself from colliding with a lamp post. In some cases I
>> would
>> rather walk with a hand on the person's elbow to ensure the smooth
>> continuity of both our conversation and our journey. This is especially
>> true
>> in crowded restaurants.
>>
>> Something else that comes to mind is my attitude about how the rest of
>> the
>> world perceives me. As I grow older it matters less. If truth be told it
>> probably never mattered enough, but there was a point when I wondered
>> about
>> the stain on my shirt or the syrup on my cheek or the rip in my jeans. If
>> you saw either on a fellow sighted person, you would attribute it to
>> laziness or wouldn't think of it at all. If you saw this on a blind
>> person,
>> however, your first thought might be that it was because the person was
>> blind. I'd like you to point it out to me in the spirit of open
>> communication. No one likes to walk around attracting the wrong kind of
>> attention, but don't be surprised to discover that I can be every bit as
>> careless or clumsy as you.
>>
>> When you see me board a train or bus, it'd be nice if you offered me the
>> seat near the door. I will turn you down, but it's the thought that
>> counts.
>> My independence will not be threatened by the same type of courtesy I
>> would
>> extend if I were sighted and came upon a blind person. To that end, I may
>> not always take advantage of the discounts and freebies offered to senior
>> citizens and persons with disabilities. If I don't, chalk it up to a
>> desire
>> to equally contribute to society and not because I am an ungrateful
>> person.
>> I worked hard to be a tax payer.
>>
>> You can read the post in its entirety here:
>>
>> http://joeorozco.com/blog_facts_about_blindness_according_to_me
>>
>> --
>> Twitter: @ScribblingJoe
>>
>> Visit my blog:
>> http://joeorozco.com/blog
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Arielle
>> Silverman
>> Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 12:22 AM
>> To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
>> Subject: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness
>>
>> Hi all,
>>
>> OK. Since it was brought up here, I feel compelled to share some of my
>> experiences and controversial views on how blind people should learn
>> social
>> skills. Some of you have heard this rant before in part, but I think it
>> is
>> important enough to bear repeating every few years. I guess I'm also
>> curious
>> if any of you have had similar experiences growing up or if the things I
>> am
>> about to advocate make any sense to others besides me.
>>
>> I have been blind my whole life and I was always an introverted person.
>> As
>> a
>> child I had few close  friends, read a lot by myself.
>> When I did hang out with kids my age I tended to be bossy and want to
>> control what we were doing. When adults came into my house and tried to
>> interact with me in ways I thought were childish or silly, I would go to
>> my
>> room and read. I never was one for a lot of physical affection, hugging,
>> touching etc.
>> When I was growing up it was assumed that all my undesirable traits
>> linked
>> back to my blindness. So it was assumed that because of my blindness I
>> had
>> poor social skills. There were goals on my IEP throughout elementary and
>> middle school that dealt with my social skills and my TVI was tasked with
>> evaluating my progress. For example, in elementary school I would get
>> graded
>> on goals like "Shows interest in other children" or "asks others about
>> their
>> day". In middle school, one goal on my IEP was "compliments others when
>> she
>> likes something".
>> I am not even slightly joking. My TVI would ask me every day to tell her
>> how
>> many people I had complimented that day and she wrote it down on her
>> clipboard. The number of compliments I gave was expected to increase over
>> time. Since I  was usually a good student and I liked and respected this
>> teacher a lot, I tried my hardest to give her a good compliment report
>> every
>> day, by contriving situations where I could compliment my family and
>> classmates. I still don't understand what this had to do with my
>> blindness.
>> If I complimented people less than my parents or teachers expected it was
>> because that just wasn't a big part of how I liked to interact with
>> people.
>> Had I been sighted, I wouldn't have been graded on such a silly thing.
>> She
>> also read me passages from a social skills book as a way to teach me
>> social
>> skills.
>> Eventually my TVI and I discussed this and she told me that my parents
>> had
>> really expected her to do these things and she did even though she knew
>> they
>> were ridiculous.
>> When people in the blindness world talk about social skills, it seems
>> they're usually referring to two things: skills at winning friends and
>> influencing people (charisma, likability, popularity) or following social
>> conventions like being places on time, attempting eye contact, etc. (what
>> Jedi refers to as "blending in"). By the first set of criteria, winning
>> friends and influencing people, Adolf Hitler had wonderful social skills.
>> I
>> think there are other social skills that are much more important for
>> having
>> lasting relationships: things like sharing, helping others in need, being
>> sensitive to other people's feelings, respecting other people's opinions,
>> not holding grudges.
>> There are many sighted politicians who have absolutely terrible social
>> skills by these criteria! These are all things that blind people can
>> learn
>> just as well as sighted people by listening to other people's
>> conversations,
>> talking about issues going on in the world, and actually being a part of
>> close relationships. I think the most social skills I ever learned was by
>> becoming friends with blind people who were willing to be blunt and tell
>> me
>> if I was doing something obnoxious. There is a lot we can learn about
>> social
>> interaction just by listening, talking and sharing with others. Reading
>> about this stuff in a book, or being required to engage in artificial
>> interactions with others, doesn't help build these social skills in the
>> long
>> term. Role-playing social interactions doesn't help when you're out in
>> the
>> real world and the thing you practiced feels really awkward and fake.
>> On blending in, I do think there are certain nonverbal things that
>> congenitally blind people should be explicitly told about so we can make
>> informed decisions about whether or not we want to blend in. For example,
>> of
>> course blind folks should be told about which colors people usually wear
>> together or what kind of clothing is appropriate for a job interview vs.
>> the
>> movies. But then, we still have the right to choose to blend in or not.
>> So
>> often it seems that blind folks are labeled as having poor social skills
>> when the fact is that they've learned what is "appropriate" but chosen
>> not
>> to follow these norms for whatever reason.
>> I realize now that my parents and teachers were unfortunately using
>> blindness and the IEP system to try to change who I fundamentally was--to
>> turn me into an extroverted, gregarious, charismatic person.
>> It took a long time for me to realize that I was OK being myself, and
>> that
>> I
>> was just reared in an environment where I didn't quite belong.
>> Although I don't have tons of friends, I have great relationships with
>> the
>> friends I do have, a loving husband and co-workers who respect me, and I
>> try
>> to be the best person I can. Most of  the things I learned to get me to
>> this
>> place came from my firsthand experiences making friends, my real
>> discussions
>> with others and a lot of trial and error.
>> I don't think I missed out on the process because I am blind, but I also
>> don't think the attempts to teach me social skills from a textbook were
>> either effective or necessary.
>> In closing, I hope that any good blindness center would support students
>> in
>> developing social skills--by giving them opportunities to make friends
>> and
>> have real social encounters--instead of indoctrinating them with lessons
>> based on a narrow definition of social competence.
>>
>> Best,
>> Arielle
>>
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