[nabs-l] Social skills and blindness

Thu Mar 6 13:17:14 UTC 2014

Sing it, my blind sister, Loren!
for today, Car
408-209-3239

07:03 PM 3/5/2014, justin williams wrote:
>However, just do the best you can, and enjoy yourself.
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Loren Wakefield
>Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 9:55 PM
>To: 'National Association of Blind Students mailing list';
>jsoro620 at gmail.com
>Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness
>
>To me, if I ask someone to help with the buffett, than I am still in control
>of the situation.  That is part of independence to me.  Because of other
>health issues, I seldom carry my plate in a public restaurant.
>
>I think that sometimes a le dysfunction of the wonderful federation
>philosophy is that it makes one feel like if he or she is not a superstar,
>than you are letting down other blind individuals.  Even cDoctor Jernigan
>walked with someone if it was more productive to do so.  Independence does
>not mean one is a super human.  If it does, I've failed many times and
>probably will never achieve it.  And what does it say if you determination
>to do absolubely everything on your own, stops you from enjoying life or
>advancing in your career?  Doesn't that dreffeat the purpose?
>
>Loren
>
>
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Chris Nusbaum
>Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 8:01 PM
>To: jsoro620 at gmail.com; 'National Association of Blind Students mailing
>list'
>Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness
>
>Dear Listers:
>
>Joe, very well said. Regarding buffet lines, sighted people in my experience
>often ask someone else to load their plate for them, whether a staff member
>or another person with whom they are eating. This, in fact, is a principle
>which sighted people tend to follow in many situations--they ask for help
>when that would best serve their needs at any given time, and they go it
>alone when that is preferred. I often wonder then why this is a subject with
>which our community struggles as much as we do. The object of independence
>for us, I believe, is to function on a level similar to that of our sighted
>counterparts. If this is true, are we placing unrealistic expectations on
>ourselves and others? It seems to me that in striving to be "independent,"
>some of us expect ourselves to be *more* independent than our sighted
>colleagues. If sighted people ask for someone to load their plate in a
>buffet, why oughtn't we? Because we are blind and Federationists, should
>that make us super-independent? Just some food for thought for whatever it's
>worth.
>
>Chris
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Joe
>Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 7:49 PM
>To: 'National Association of Blind Students mailing list'
>Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness
>
>Excellent post, Arielle. I wrote on this subject in my blog. I'll post the
>relevant portion here:
>
>Speaking for myself, I don't really look forward to buffet lines.
>Independence is partially about looking graceful, and in my opinion there is
>nothing graceful about feeling around for serving spoons and running the
>risk of dipping a finger in the casserole, embarrassing yourself and making
>the other guests feel dubious about where your fingers may've been. There
>are methods to handling such tasks of course. You could move your hand
>inward over the table surface, find the rim of the dish and move around its
>edge until you find the utensil. I paid attention in my independent living
>classes. Yet independence is also about seizing conveniences, so you could
>also just ask someone to help load your plate and go on about your business.
>I feel far more confident about carrying a tray and drink to my table than I
>do about navigating someone else's logic about the way dishes should be laid
>out.
>
>I walk fast when I walk alone. In fact I experience my own version of
>pedestrian's sidewalk rage, but I feel slow and stumbling when walking with
>someone else because my attention is divided between carrying a conversation
>and stopping myself from colliding with a lamp post. In some cases I would
>rather walk with a hand on the person's elbow to ensure the smooth
>continuity of both our conversation and our journey. This is especially true
>in crowded restaurants.
>
>Something else that comes to mind is my attitude about how the rest of the
>world perceives me. As I grow older it matters less. If truth be told it
>probably never mattered enough, but there was a point when I wondered about
>the stain on my shirt or the syrup on my cheek or the rip in my jeans. If
>you saw either on a fellow sighted person, you would attribute it to
>laziness or wouldn't think of it at all. If you saw this on a blind person,
>however, your first thought might be that it was because the person was
>blind. I'd like you to point it out to me in the spirit of open
>communication. No one likes to walk around attracting the wrong kind of
>attention, but don't be surprised to discover that I can be every bit as
>careless or clumsy as you.
>
>When you see me board a train or bus, it'd be nice if you offered me the
>seat near the door. I will turn you down, but it's the thought that counts.
>My independence will not be threatened by the same type of courtesy I would
>extend if I were sighted and came upon a blind person. To that end, I may
>not always take advantage of the discounts and freebies offered to senior
>citizens and persons with disabilities. If I don't, chalk it up to a desire
>to equally contribute to society and not because I am an ungrateful person.
>I worked hard to be a tax payer.
>
>You can read the post in its entirety here:
>
>http://joeorozco.com/blog_facts_about_blindness_according_to_me
>
>--
>Twitter: @ScribblingJoe
>
>Visit my blog:
>http://joeorozco.com/blog
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Arielle
>Silverman
>Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 12:22 AM
>To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
>Subject: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness
>
>Hi all,
>
>OK. Since it was brought up here, I feel compelled to share some of my
>experiences and controversial views on how blind people should learn social
>skills. Some of you have heard this rant before in part, but I think it is
>important enough to bear repeating every few years. I guess I'm also curious
>if any of you have had similar experiences growing up or if the things I am
>about to advocate make any sense to others besides me.
>
>I have been blind my whole life and I was always an introverted person. As a
>child I had few close  friends, read a lot by myself.
>When I did hang out with kids my age I tended to be bossy and want to
>control what we were doing. When adults came into my house and tried to
>interact with me in ways I thought were childish or silly, I would go to my
>room and read. I never was one for a lot of physical affection, hugging,
>touching etc.
>When I was growing up it was assumed that all my undesirable traits linked
>back to my blindness. So it was assumed that because of my blindness I had
>poor social skills. There were goals on my IEP throughout elementary and
>middle school that dealt with my social skills and my TVI was tasked with
>evaluating my progress. For example, in elementary school I would get graded
>on goals like "Shows interest in other children" or "asks others about their
>day". In middle school, one goal on my IEP was "compliments others when she
>likes something".
>I am not even slightly joking. My TVI would ask me every day to tell her how
>many people I had complimented that day and she wrote it down on her
>clipboard. The number of compliments I gave was expected to increase over
>time. Since I  was usually a good student and I liked and respected this
>teacher a lot, I tried my hardest to give her a good compliment report every
>day, by contriving situations where I could compliment my family and
>classmates. I still don't understand what this had to do with my blindness.
>If I complimented people less than my parents or teachers expected it was
>because that just wasn't a big part of how I liked to interact with people.
>Had I been sighted, I wouldn't have been graded on such a silly thing. She
>also read me passages from a social skills book as a way to teach me social
>skills.
>Eventually my TVI and I discussed this and she told me that my parents had
>really expected her to do these things and she did even though she knew they
>were ridiculous.
>When people in the blindness world talk about social skills, it seems
>they're usually referring to two things: skills at winning friends and
>influencing people (charisma, likability, popularity) or following social
>conventions like being places on time, attempting eye contact, etc. (what
>Jedi refers to as "blending in"). By the first set of criteria, winning
>friends and influencing people, Adolf Hitler had wonderful social skills. I
>think there are other social skills that are much more important for having
>lasting relationships: things like sharing, helping others in need, being
>sensitive to other people's feelings, respecting other people's opinions,
>not holding grudges.
>There are many sighted politicians who have absolutely terrible social
>skills by these criteria! These are all things that blind people can learn
>just as well as sighted people by listening to other people's conversations,
>talking about issues going on in the world, and actually being a part of
>close relationships. I think the most social skills I ever learned was by
>becoming friends with blind people who were willing to be blunt and tell me
>if I was doing something obnoxious. There is a lot we can learn about social
>interaction just by listening, talking and sharing with others. Reading
>about this stuff in a book, or being required to engage in artificial
>interactions with others, doesn't help build these social skills in the long
>term. Role-playing social interactions doesn't help when you're out in the
>real world and the thing you practiced feels really awkward and fake.
>On blending in, I do think there are certain nonverbal things that
>congenitally blind people should be explicitly told about so we can make
>informed decisions about whether or not we want to blend in. For example, of
>course blind folks should be told about which colors people usually wear
>together or what kind of clothing is appropriate for a job interview vs. the
>movies. But then, we still have the right to choose to blend in or not. So
>often it seems that blind folks are labeled as having poor social skills
>when the fact is that they've learned what is "appropriate" but chosen not
>to follow these norms for whatever reason.
>I realize now that my parents and teachers were unfortunately using
>blindness and the IEP system to try to change who I fundamentally was--to
>turn me into an extroverted, gregarious, charismatic person.
>It took a long time for me to realize that I was OK being myself, and that I
>was just reared in an environment where I didn't quite belong.
>Although I don't have tons of friends, I have great relationships with the
>friends I do have, a loving husband and co-workers who respect me, and I try
>to be the best person I can. Most of  the things I learned to get me to this
>place came from my firsthand experiences making friends, my real discussions
>with others and a lot of trial and error.
>I don't think I missed out on the process because I am blind, but I also
>don't think the attempts to teach me social skills from a textbook were
>either effective or necessary.
>In closing, I hope that any good blindness center would support students in
>developing social skills--by giving them opportunities to make friends and
>have real social encounters--instead of indoctrinating them with lessons
>based on a narrow definition of social competence.
>
>Best,
>Arielle
>
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