[nagdu] stepper's remarks.

[Stepper]

First and foremost, thank you to each one of you that wrote to me.  Your words were more helpful and encouraging than you may realize. I would like to express my experience regarding my journey through this one of many life tough patches. Hopefully this effort will be of service to someone outside of myself.
For those of you that may not know I will say the following. Nine years ago come May 14-01 I was found to have multiple cancers. I have been successful in recovering from these cancers with horrendous treatment regiments. I then had my back go totally nuts. I then after several years was able to qualify for a internal pain pump for my back. This worked pretty well. I decided to try for a guide dog once again. I have had two guides for a total of 17 years. it been about 14 years since my last dog. GDB decided to give me a chance. I have worked towards this goal of another dog for five and a half years now. I really thought I could do it. However, just making the trip was way to much to my surprise. I did know that there was know way to really know if I could do it until I tried. I made the trip, and after getting to GDB I couldn't recover to take part in the training. In fact I scared them enough because I crash so hard and fast they thought about calling a ambulance at first. Five and a half years ago, GDB let me try for a dog then at there Oregon campus. I couldn't do it then either, to soon after my cancer treatments.  One of the things through these nine years of my life and my wife's lives being totally turned up-side-down because of these health issues the goal of having a guide dog once again was one of the brightest hopes, and motivator I hung on to with both hands day in and day out. It's very difficult to try and express how hard it was to cowboy up everyday, but the dream of having a guide once again pushed me through each and every day no matter what! In other words, the goals of trying for these guides over the last five and a half years helped in a great way to give me a reason to fight for my life. I can tell you the last week and a half has been one of the hardest I have been through in a very very long time. My depression was so overwhelming I could barely move my head laying in my bed. One of the most dangerous lines of comparative thinking I couldn't let go of was this. I kept asking myself what's is the matter with you, meaning me, why didn't you push through? After all you are the guy, the only blind person that to date has walked across America,  using a guide dog, and long white cane, and met President Regen in the Oval Office on October 25-1983 with your wife Lynda, and the national leaders of the NFB. What is the matter with you? I was thirty five years old then, I am now sixty three, with multiple serious physical and serious health issues and problems. That was then, this is here, and now. Stop it!stop it! stop it! So I have. I am now coming back up, I know deep inside me I didn't fail, I went to test if I could or could not do this, I now have the answer, and its a resounding NO! As of today, I am picking myself back up, dusting myself off, and climbing back on that horse that just through me right in to the rails, isn't that right Tommy!I made it out today and walked for one hour,and in that time frame I walked about a mile and a half. So you can see that's way to slow for any dog I know of. However, one of the most harmful results from my long term illnesses is that over the last nine years, all my friends, people I new, and everything else has gone away. Largely because I was so sick and hurt that people just had a very hard time being near that much pain and misery. Plus I was so weak I could hardly respond for any lengths of time. I couldn't make or keep commitments because I didn't know if would be strong enough or well enough a week or two ahead. However, I even if I don't sound like it am the best I have been in these several years. I know to keep myself from going in to a totally permanent hopeless depression I must find a way to get back in to life some how. I can not just live my life through a computer key board. I already  know that many if not most of us that are blind or blind with other problems end up isolated and alone. I have a wife that works outside of the home, she also drives ,so I am here alone much of the time. This is where I am asking you that have found meaning for your lives what were or are the ways of doing so outside of a full time job to please contact off list and share your stories how you have accomplished your fulfillment for your lives. Frankly I feel so overwhelmed and yes, frightened, and when thinking of how on earth am I as a blind person in this ultra most conservative backward state of Idaho in the country am going to be able to become a part of anything. If I can find something to do that is meaningful lets say two to three times a week where I am interacting with other people that would be enough. One last thing. I know this is written in one big paragraph, and did so, because I notice when I got my message back everytime I I press enter to go down a line it would say "greater", and I don't know how not to have that happen. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I really do need your input in what you have done to not be one of the isolated blind of our nation. Also if you would like we could talk by phone as well. If you write to me, and want to do so, I will then give you my phone number Thanks again. My address is, stepper12 at cableone.net