[nagdu] stepper's remarks.

[Tamara Smith-Kinney]

Stepper,

Thank you for sharing so deeply and publicly the emotional hardship you are
facing, as well as your self talk to get yourself dusted off and back on
that horse.  /smile/  For the record, I once had to lead my most favorite
horse ever around for about two weeks before I could get up the nerve after
a scary ride that wasn't even his fault and where he kept me safe.  Spent a
lot of time with that guy during those two weeks, and his coat really
gleamed from all the brushing.  Just took awhile to get to the getting back
on the horse part.  Sometimes, you really do have to work at that one.

Hang in there and keep us all posted.

Tami Smith-Kinney

-----Original Message-----
From: nagdu-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nagdu-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf
Of Stepper
Sent: Saturday, April 10, 2010 1:07 PM
To: NAGDU Mailing List,the National Association of Guide Dog Users
Cc: Lynda
Subject: [nagdu] stepper's remarks.

First and foremost, thank you to each one of you that wrote to me.  Your
words were more helpful and encouraging than you may realize. I would like
to express my experience regarding my journey through this one of many life
tough patches. Hopefully this effort will be of service to someone outside
of myself.
For those of you that may not know I will say the following. Nine years ago
come May 14-01 I was found to have multiple cancers. I have been successful
in recovering from these cancers with horrendous treatment regiments. I then
had my back go totally nuts. I then after several years was able to qualify
for a internal pain pump for my back. This worked pretty well. I decided to
try for a guide dog once again. I have had two guides for a total of 17
years. it been about 14 years since my last dog. GDB decided to give me a
chance. I have worked towards this goal of another dog for five and a half
years now. I really thought I could do it. However, just making the trip was
way to much to my surprise. I did know that there was know way to really
know if I could do it until I tried. I made the trip, and after getting to
GDB I couldn't recover to take part in the training. In fact I scared them
enough because I crash so hard and fast they thought about calling a
ambulance at first. Five and a half years ago, GDB let me try for a dog then
at there Oregon campus. I couldn't do it then either, to soon after my
cancer treatments.  One of the things through these nine years of my life
and my wife's lives being totally turned up-side-down because of these
health issues the goal of having a guide dog once again was one of the
brightest hopes, and motivator I hung on to with both hands day in and day
out. It's very difficult to try and express how hard it was to cowboy up
everyday, but the dream of having a guide once again pushed me through each
and every day no matter what! In other words, the goals of trying for these
guides over the last five and a half years helped in a great way to give me
a reason to fight for my life. I can tell you the last week and a half has
been one of the hardest I have been through in a very very long time. My
depression was so overwhelming I could barely move my head laying in my bed.
One of the most dangerous lines of comparative thinking I couldn't let go of
was this. I kept asking myself what's is the matter with you, meaning me,
why didn't you push through? After all you are the guy, the only blind
person that to date has walked across America,  using a guide dog, and long
white cane, and met President Regen in the Oval Office on October 25-1983
with your wife Lynda, and the national leaders of the NFB. What is the
matter with you? I was thirty five years old then, I am now sixty three,
with multiple serious physical and serious health issues and problems. That
was then, this is here, and now. Stop it!stop it! stop it! So I have. I am
now coming back up, I know deep inside me I didn't fail, I went to test if I
could or could not do this, I now have the answer, and its a resounding NO!
As of today, I am picking myself back up, dusting myself off, and climbing
back on that horse that just through me right in to the rails, isn't that
right Tommy!I made it out today and walked for one hour,and in that time
frame I walked about a mile and a half. So you can see that's way to slow
for any dog I know of. However, one of the most harmful results from my long
term illnesses is that over the last nine years, all my friends, people I
new, and everything else has gone away. Largely because I was so sick and
hurt that people just had a very hard time being near that much pain and
misery. Plus I was so weak I could hardly respond for any lengths of time. I
couldn't make or keep commitments because I didn't know if would be strong
enough or well enough a week or two ahead. However, I even if I don't sound
like it am the best I have been in these several years. I know to keep
myself from going in to a totally permanent hopeless depression I must find
a way to get back in to life some how. I can not just live my life through a
computer key board. I already  know that many if not most of us that are
blind or blind with other problems end up isolated and alone. I have a wife
that works outside of the home, she also drives ,so I am here alone much of
the time. This is where I am asking you that have found meaning for your
lives what were or are the ways of doing so outside of a full time job to
please contact off list and share your stories how you have accomplished
your fulfillment for your lives. Frankly I feel so overwhelmed and yes,
frightened, and when thinking of how on earth am I as a blind person in this
ultra most conservative backward state of Idaho in the country am going to
be able to become a part of anything. If I can find something to do that is
meaningful lets say two to three times a week where I am interacting with
other people that would be enough. One last thing. I know this is written in
one big paragraph, and did so, because I notice when I got my message back
everytime I I press enter to go down a line it would say "greater", and I
don't know how not to have that happen. Thank you for taking the time to
read this. I really do need your input in what you have done to not be one
of the isolated blind of our nation. Also if you would like we could talk by
phone as well. If you write to me, and want to do so, I will then give you
my phone number Thanks again. My address is, stepper12 at cableone.net
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