[stylist] Section of story

[Angela fowler]

A few things, RJ. 
A few too many commas,
You mean "adopted mother?" 
Perhaps you should explain that Luis is the Foxs' grandson when you first
bring up the relationship. 
Too many retrogressions. You start on the bus, I assume, then you go back to
a conversation with Barbara, then you go to an apology Luis gave Jacqueline
for an argument we don't know anything about, then you go back again to when
Luis's friend was dying of cancer. It's a hell of an interesting story, RJ,
good plot, but you need to smooth it out. 

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of rjs059 at peoplepc.com
Sent: Saturday, November 15, 2008 4:18 PM
To: NFBnet Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: [stylist] Section of story

Guys please give your feed back concerning this section. RJ She knew what
was being asked of her, and she had resolved to do her duty by her country.
She thought about when she informed Barbra of her decision to Join the
United States army, Barbra was behind her 100 percent.
"Barbra, I've decided to join the Army." Jacqueline said with resolve in her
voice.
"Jacqueline, I've told you, that if you were to attend college, or Join the
Military, that I'd stand behind you 100 percent." Barbra Stockton her opted
mother said looking at Jacqueline with love.
However, Kay and David fox, despised Jacqueline Sutton because she always
went against the grain. She was what people referred to as a maverick. She
also exposed the Foxes hypocrisy, and so they detested her even more.
However, the straw that broke the camel's back, was when the Foxes learned
of Jacqueline and Luis's relationship and ever since then, the Foxes were
trying to split them up, because they felt Luis needed a Christian woman and
not some one such as Jacqueline. However, even people in church, were
beginning to notice that Jacqueline and Luis were together, and they
supported it, because they knew of Jacqueline's salvation and that
Jacqueline just didn't talk the talk, she walked the walk, and the foxes
were envious of this quality of Jacqueline's. Just the vary thought of the
Foxes Meddling in their relationship made Jacqueline's blood boil.
"Jacqueline, I'm sorry about last night and it'll never happen again!" Luis
said upset, as he sat in his living room.
"You need to tell Kay to stop asking me about Lisa. Barbra, made her wishes
known, before she died. I Jacqueline Mari Sutton and not Kay Elaine Foxx
have sole custody of Lisa. Barbra knew she was dieing, when she adopted
Lisa, and she asked the judge if I could have custody of Lisa upon Barbra's
death, and the judge said yes, and that I was a better alternative, than for
Lisa to go back into foster care. Luis, tell your grandmother to stay out of
our affairs!" Jacqueline said firmly, as she finished wiping Lisa's face
with a wash cloth.
Jacqueline thought of
the day at the river where she and Luis had their last conversation before
he went to Boston, to see his friend Virgil, who was dying of Cancer. 
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