[stylist] sample of work rewritten. 3rd attempt.

[helene ryles]

Hi Lori,
No I don't mind you editing my work. After all if you can be bothered
to edit it it can't be too bad. Or at least I hope not.

Helene.

On 26/10/2008, LoriStay at aol.com <LoriStay at aol.com> wrote:
>
> In a message dated 10/25/08 9:37:24 PM, dreamavdb at googlemail.com writes:
>
>
>>
>>   "Paril? I've come to show you how to use a long cane…" Hari Murdag
>> called as he stood listening in front of Paril's tent.  He heard
>> exactly the same snores that he had heard earlier on.  Their was
>> something unnatural  about the noise he was hearing.
>>
>
> Their was... Nope.   Wrong "there."   check your spelling.
>
> Then their was a click
> Same comment.   This should be spelled t h e r e
>
>  Then their(that is, t h e r e) was a click a whirring noise and the snores
> started up again.
> Put a comma after click.   Or use the word "and"
>
> (A click and a whirring noise)
>
>
>   How could he have been taken in so easily.
> Need question mark here rather than a period.
>
>
>  After all he'd once played the same trick himself.
> comma after the word "all"
>
>
> "Paril!" he called into the desert air around him.   Not really
> expecting a response.
> There's that sentence fragment again.   Try a comma after the word "him,"
> and
> make the second sentence into a dependent clause.
>
> Sometimes people dislike my editing their work without mentioning that I do
> this all the time (for those who do ask for it).   Let me know your
> thoughts.
> Lori
>
>
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