[stylist] sample of work rewritten. 3rd attempt.

[Fred Wurtzel]

Hi,

I have a little pet peve.  It seems incorrect to "exact same" or relate
similar phrases.  It is very common these days.  I recommend either exact or
same but not both.  It seems redundant.  Others may disagree and I would
welcome another view.

Warm Writing Regards,

Fred

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of LoriStay at aol.com
Sent: Saturday, October 25, 2008 10:56 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: Re: [stylist] sample of work rewritten. 3rd attempt.


In a message dated 10/25/08 9:37:24 PM, dreamavdb at googlemail.com writes:


> 
>   "Paril? I've come to show you how to use a long cane
" Hari Murdag
> called as he stood listening in front of Paril's tent.  He heard
> exactly the same snores that he had heard earlier on.  Their was
> something unnatural  about the noise he was hearing.
> 

Their was... Nope.   Wrong "there."   check your spelling.

Then their was a click
Same comment.   This should be spelled t h e r e

 Then their(that is, t h e r e) was a click a whirring noise and the snores 
started up again.
Put a comma after click.   Or use the word "and"

(A click and a whirring noise)


  How could he have been taken in so easily.
Need question mark here rather than a period.


 After all he'd once played the same trick himself.
comma after the word "all"


"Paril!" he called into the desert air around him.   Not really
expecting a response.
There's that sentence fragment again.   Try a comma after the word "him,"
and 
make the second sentence into a dependent clause.

Sometimes people dislike my editing their work without mentioning that I do 
this all the time (for those who do ask for it).   Let me know your
thoughts.
Lori


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