[stylist] chapter one- need feedback

Judith Bron jbron at optonline.net
Mon Nov 2 18:27:10 UTC 2009


Great!  They all combine eventually.  They are all affected by "The Letter." 
How's that?  Judith
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 12:15 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback


> So are you saying with your chapter headings that what happens in Chapter 
> 1 is on the same day as what happens in chapter 2?
> Now if that's so, that makes me want to read the whole thing to know how 
> these lives will intertwine and which characters will it be that meet.
> Barbara
>
> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0!  Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
> Sent: Sunday, November 01, 2009 11:58 AM
> To: "Stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>
>> Perhaps I should have started with chapter one.  However, I wanted to 
>> make sure the reader would be just as engrossed in the second chapter as 
>> the first.  Obviously these first two chapters introduce the reader to 
>> the characters.  Judith
>>
>> CHAPTER ONE
>>
>>
>>
>> Curtis Cove, New York November 1977
>>
>> Jennifer's thoughts were a safe haven and the only place in the world she 
>> could escape to for security.  Usually while in her hypnotic state she 
>> managed to be cognizant of the world around her.  But this Saturday 
>> morning she was so deep in thought she managed to block out the sounds of 
>> people talking, kids playing and horns honking.    As she wandered 
>> aimlessly down the street in the teenage uniform of jeans, a sweater and 
>> navy ski jacket she thought about her inability to love anyone.  Suddenly 
>> horns blared, tires squealed and sirens wailed.  She lay on the street 
>> oblivious to the sounds and horror engulfing her.
>>
>> Randy, captain of her high school football team, happened to be jogging 
>> down the street when the accident happened.  He ran to the scene and saw 
>> Jennifer lying in the street with a policeman hovering over her.  "Is she 
>> all right?"
>>
>> "Don't know.  Just called for an ambulance.  Who is she?"
>>
>> "Jennifer Rabinowitz.  She lives a block from here."
>>
>> "Can you get her parents?"
>>
>> "She's an orphan.  I'll get her Foster mother.    Where are they taking 
>> her?"
>>
>> "Arthur Memorial Hospital.  They have a good trauma center.  They'll need 
>> her guardian's signature."
>>
>> Jennifer lay immobile, her long hair now covering her face.  Randy's 
>> inclination was to brush it aside, but he couldn't get that close.  With 
>> one last glance at Jennifer he took off for the Hamilton house.
>>
>> When Sheila answered the door he blurted out the story.
>>
>> "Where is she?"
>>
>> "When I left the scene she was lying in the middle of the street.  The 
>> policeman said they're taking her to Arthur Memorial."
>>
>> Sheila grabbed her coat screaming to her other foster daughter, "Cindy, 
>> watch the kids.  There's an emergency!"
>>
>> One of the technicians at the scene yelled, "Get the oxygen.  Respiratory 
>> distress!"
>>
>> Unaware of the flurry of activity around her Jennifer floated over her 
>> body ending up in a different place.  A woman approached her.  "Jennifer, 
>> it's me, mommy.  I want you to know I love you.  Your time is not up. 
>> Your life will get better.  Everything will be fine, dear.  I love you."
>>
>> Jennifer started following her mother.
>>
>> Sheila and Randy ran into the emergency room shortly after Jennifer had 
>> been brought in.
>>
>> The Waiting doctors began their examination immediately.  One doctor 
>> commanded, "Get me the defibrillator."
>>
>>  Oblivious to the furor around her Jennifer said, "Mommy, I want to stay 
>> here.  My life is awful.  I can't love anyone."
>>
>> "You need to continue.  Your life will get better.  Wonderful people will 
>> prove to you that you can love and be loved.  I love you.  Go back now."
>>
>> The medical staff brought the equipment necessary to resuscitate 
>> Jennifer. The doctors applied the panels to Jennifer's chest.  A huge 
>> burst of energy started her heart beating again.  Jennifer took a deep, 
>> labored breath.  In the hospital room a cheer went up among the doctors 
>> and nurses.  As soon as Jennifer began breathing on her own she was 
>> trundled at top speed to a CAT scan which showed the medical team that 
>> neither her spine nor limbs were broken.  She didn't have any internal 
>> bleeding.  Dr. Green thought, "This is one lucky girl."
>>
>> Randy and Sheila sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting word about 
>> Jennifer.  Randy glanced at his watch.  "I have to call the coach to tell 
>> him I'm not playing this afternoon and Jennifer's not cheering.  Be right 
>> back."
>>
>> Once Jennifer was put in a room Randy and Sheila kept vigil beside her 
>> bed gazing bleakly at the   oxygen, bottles of fluid and monitor.  Sheila 
>> thought, "This is a nightmare!"
>>
>> Randy wondered if his friend would ever cheer for a football game again. 
>> After her recovery would she still be the most beautiful girl in the 
>> world?  Once she was back to normal would she continue to refuse his 
>> dates?
>>
>> An alarm on the monitor went off bringing nurses and doctors rushing into 
>> the room pushing the platform that held those paddles.   Ignoring the 
>> panic around her body Jennifer told her mother, "Mommy, I don't want to 
>> go back.  I'm different from the other kids.  They remind me all the 
>> time."
>>
>> "Don't worry about being different.  Everything will be fine.  You have a 
>> beautiful life ahead of you.  It's time to go back now."
>>
>> "No, Mommy!  Don't make me go!"
>>
>> Jennifer slammed back into her body, aware again of the pain.  The doctor 
>> lifted the defibrillator, vastly relieved.  "Welcome back, Jennifer. 
>> Hang in there."
>>
>> Randy leaned forward speaking to the girl in the bed.  "Keep fighting, 
>> Jennifer.  We're all praying for you."
>>
>> They kept their vigil beside her bed.  At one point Randy said, "It looks 
>> like she's stabilized.  I think I'd better head over to the field.  Be 
>> back right after the game."  Sheila continued praying that her favorite 
>> foster child would be all right.  Jennifer seemed to be going in and out 
>> of consciousness.  She would open her eyes briefly before slipping back 
>> into either slumber or unconsciousness.  Sheila couldn't tell.  She just 
>> kept watching, waiting and praying while nurses and doctors entered the 
>> room to take Jennifer's vitals and read the monitors.
>>
>> When Randy got back after the game Jennifer woke for more than a few 
>> minutes.  Sheila asked, "How do you feel, Jennifer?"
>>
>> "Weak and sore.  When are they going to take away this oxygen?"
>>
>> "I'll check.  Can I get you something to eat?"
>>
>> "If it's not too much I would like a cheese sandwich."
>>
>> "Let me find out."
>>
>> After she left Randy said, "I played today.  Everyone sends their best 
>> wishes.  I was so upset that I blew a touchdown pass.  We lost."
>>
>> Jennifer responded weakly, "I'm sorry, Randy.  I know how much that 
>> trophy means to you."
>>
>> Carrying a sandwich and cup of juice Sheila appeared at her bedside. 
>> "The nurse said the doctor will be in soon to see about the oxygen.  I 
>> brought you a sandwich."
>>
>> "Thanks, Sheila."
>>
>> Jennifer started eating her sandwich and Sheila said, "I have to get 
>> going.  Cindy has plans for tonight and Ted has to work.  I'll send Ted 
>> up with your things.  I'll be back tomorrow morning."  She kissed 
>> Jennifer and left.
>>
>> A minute later a doctor came in.  "Good evening, Jennifer.  I'm Dr. 
>> Jackson.  I'm covering Dr. Green's patients tonight.  Mrs. Hamilton asked 
>> the nurse about the oxygen.  I want to keep it going until tomorrow 
>> morning.  Dr. Green will evaluate you at that time.  Is there anything 
>> else I can do for you?"
>>
>> "Can I take a shower?"
>>
>> "When the nurse comes in tomorrow she will help you with that.  Is 
>> everything else all right?"
>>
>> "I guess so.  Thanks."  He left the room.
>>
>> Jennifer turned to Randy.  "Thanks for everything, Randy.  I don't 
>> remember anything.  Can you tell me about it?"
>>
>> Randy described the activities that morning.  "A few times your heart 
>> stopped beating.  It was strange.  You looked so peaceful.  Do you 
>> remember anything?"
>>
>> She lied, "I don't remember a thing.  I had no idea it was that serious."
>>
>> "How are you feeling now?"
>>
>> "I still feel weak and sore, but other than that fine."
>>
>> "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>>
>> "Sure.  But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it."
>>
>> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>>
>> "Randy, there's a lot going on in my head.  I need time to straighten it 
>> all out.  Right now you are the best friend I have in the world.  Just 
>> keep on being my friend.  That's the best thing you can do for me."
>>
>> "I know others give you a hard time about your last name.  Is that part 
>> of the problem you have to work out?"
>>
>> "That's a big part of it.  I don't know who I am.  You guys know your 
>> parents, what they expect from you and people to turn to when you need 
>> answers to important questions.  I haven't had that since I was two.
>>
>> I also have my career in clothing design to think about.  I guess right 
>> now that's my identity.  But how can you create an identity out of a 
>> spool of thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions?  I need more than 
>> that.  I need to explore this Jewish thing.  I guess my parents were 
>> Jewish.  How else would I end up with a name like Rabinowitz?  Right now 
>> I don't know where to begin my search."
>>
>> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>>
>> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>>
>> Randy smiled.  "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world who 
>> got into a fight and almost lost."
>>
>> "I guess I didn't lose.  When I get up my courage I'll look in the 
>> mirror."
>>
>> "You're looking tired.  I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>>
>> "Good night, Randy.  Thanks again."
>>
>>
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>
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